Thursday, May 28, 2009

picture of health

These are the pictures that I had such a problem with and deleted from my Backbone post a few days ago. I'm putting them back up. This is me, being brave.

After looking at them for a little bit, I have decided that I dont think they make me look particularly fat. No, that's not the problem.


The problem , in my mind, is that they dont make me look sickly, bony thin. Why do I care? This is why, and it's embarrassing, and hard to admit.
I'm afraid that if you see how normal, how average I am, you won't care about me anymore, wont bother to read my blog or comment on it. I won't be interesting to anyone anymore, and nobody will care about me.
There, I said it.



9 comments:

Zena said...

You freaking made me cry...I will always care, you are far from average...and you are very thin, but that s not important whats important is YOU the real you! The mom, the daughter, the wife, teh girl who has endured so much and still came out on top, the YOU who is caring and sweet and positive...the YOU who gets sad and falls and gets back UP! The you who makes plans to Recover..teh you who takes a daughter with pink eye mushroom hunting...thats who matters YOU, the Real YOU!!!

Love, Z

Kara said...

I really understand that fear - even though I know that intellectually it's not true. I will always care about you no matter what size or shape you are. You rock my world!

Kara said...

PS - I'm glad that you re-posted the pictures. :)

lisalisa said...

wow...wow...you guys made me cry...all i can say is thanks so much. THis means alot to me!

Lisa said...

I get the fear, too. Since you're not the only one who feels that way, rest assured that we will keep reading.

On a different note, you guys are ADORABLE! I love the pic of you crawling under the rock.

Nicole said...

I care, even though I know I've never said that before. Hope it's not creepy or anything. I can totally understand how you feel. I took some pics of Shaun and I in Nauvoo last weekend and I wanted to post it as my new facebook picture and on my blog but I look huge and I can't stand looking at them...so for now they are hidden away in a folder on my computer. I think you look great in your pictures. It looks like a lot of fun too. Maybe Shaun and I can venture that way sometime.

now.is.now said...

I am new to blogging and have just started reading your blog, but I want to let you know a couple of things. One - that I understand that fear. Two - that in just the past few days of entering this blogging community, I've come to care about reading your blog and have no plans to give that up :) You seem amazing and I look forward to reading more of your honest thoughts.

Cammy said...

Wow, great job with facing up your fears about putting yourself out there, I know that takes guts.

You also pinned down something I usually feel but have never really articulated before: about being afraid people won't care if they think you look normal. I go through the same thing when I upload pictures on Facebook. I have professional contacts on there, so no sick pictures, but at the same time I get self-conscious about my profile presenting my image to the world as "normal," when so much of my life has been controlled about building an identity around the ED.

You look great in the pictures, by the way, and I mean that because it looks like you're having a good time with your family, and that glow will make someone more beautiful than any diet ever could. And your kids are absolutely ADORABLE. Thanks for the thought-provoking post, and congrats again on challenging yourself.

Keely said...

I care no matter what size you are. And I think those pictures are beautiful. And you're beautiful. And I love you even more for saying that you are scared and embarassed for not being on the brink of death. Because I feel exactly the same way. I love you and miss you. (hug)