Tuesday, May 4, 2010

attention-seeking behavior

I have a confession to make. The last few days, I have been thinking about quitting eating altogether. Just stopping. Just throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Eff it, I'm done!".

Not because I think I'm fat (which I do ). But just so people will see. They will see that i am in the midst of a five alarm mental emergency. That I am anxious and depressed and everything is excrutiating and I'm not effing fine! I'm tired of looking so great. I hate it when I see people and they tell me how great I look! I dont feel great! I'm dying inside, and looking great isn't really paying off for me.

I just want my outsides to match my insides. I want people to see how much I am hurting. As I said to my therapist, there is no medical test or measurement of emotional pain. They cant draw my blood and look at it and say "gee, this kid is really losing it. Maybe we should try to get her in a little sooner." But if I quit eating....if I quit eating....that's a measurable and visible decline in health. Then suddenly, you are an urgent case. People move schedules around, they fit you in somehow.

My husband Chris is really the only one who knows how bad i am doing right now. Ironically, he is the one who I want NOT to know! It worries him so bad, and he has enough stress already. I hate to add to his burden.

This evening I made dinner for my family, then told Chris I wasn't up to eating and went in my room and laid down. As I lay there, I could hear Chris and the girls eating and the guilt began to gnaw at me and I asked myself "is this really what i want? Do I want my girls to have memories of dinnertimes where Mom wasn't there? Do I want Chris to sit at the table as the sole parent, his stomach churning with anxiety as he worries about his wife?". I told myself that this was not acceptable behavior, that I just needed to get my ass in gear and go into the kitchen and join them. So I went in and sat down and ate a little dinner. And purged afterwards.

I don't know how I got to the place where i am right now. I so desperately want to be the HEALTHY wife and mother that my family deserves! I can't "quit" eating. It would only make things worse. What do I do?

It occurs to me that I am not a bad person. I am just a person who is struggling with severe and persistent mental illness, who has been through some pretty drastic med shifts lately, who is currently between doctors right now, and who is not handling it very well. I am suffering. this is not my fault. I do, however, have a choice in how I will deal with things. Today I did not make good choices in regards to self care. I did, however, make other notable good choices. I emailed my daughter's teacher and volunteered to drive for a field trip. I took Annie to the park. I did 2 loads of laundry. I gave Emma an extra long backscratch because she is not feeling well.

See, I am hanging in there. By a thread.


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

It's okay. You made some unhealthy choices, but you have been going through a lot and considering all that, it's not surprising you're struggling.

It's also okay to want people to know you are hurting. They need to know. Just don't starve yourself to let them know; tell them and I think they will listen.

I am always here for you. {{{Hugs}}}


Jennifer said...

I think you did amazingly well.
You are extremely brave and a GOOD wife and mother!!
jennifer xxoo

SeCrEtCoWgIrL said...

I feel the same way about eating, but feel I need to hide it. I understand and feel your pain for sure. Know that better days are ahead. You are a great Mom, wife, and friend. Stay positive and things will get better. *hugs*

Missing In Sight said...

Something I try to remember is to use my voice, not my symptoms. And it helped. I had an open talk with my therapist recently regarding how I didn't feel he could see how much I'm hurting since I've gained weight and been on my mealplan. It was a good conversation to have because he assured me he knew I wasn't over the "hump", so to speak. Maybe worth having a convo. with your therapist.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about your post last night after I turned off my computer. This is exactly how I felt two years ago except that I didn't have anyone around me that cared for me the way you do. I felt like I was screaming inside that I was about to die but it was like nobody, including my doctors, could hear me. The last two years have been so awful for me because I didn't get the help you needed. You need to be more vocal and tell your doctors how you feel. If you can't do this, maybe your husband can help. Or maybe you just need to go to the ER. If you go into an emergency room, maybe they will see how dire your circumstances are. Don't stop eating. The food isn't the real problem right now so don't make it a problem. Then you will just have something else to worry about and deal with.

Keep us updated!

Alexandra Rising said...

I am really proud of you for getting up and going back down to dinner, even if you did purge after. You did it for your daughters and I think that shows so much strength.
I am glad [or hoping] that you are not cutting? The feelings you describe sound similar to some experienced by those who cut [some].
Allow yourself to feel and dont be afraid to share with others: it will make it easier for them to support you.

Oh, and do be sure to eat or drink something on the day you drive for the field trip :)