Sunday, May 23, 2010

I just want to stop

I was scrutinizing my reflection in the mirror this morning and I felt the familiar feeling of despair settle into the pit of my stomach and I just felt so tired. Tired of hating myself. Every day it's the same thing, the same thoughts. Fat thighs...fat stomach...bad hair...ugly, plain face with all the lines and pores and pimples. Old...fat...ugly...plain...shame...shame...shame.

I don't give myself a break anywhere. When I am not criticizing my body, I am judging my life. My failures, shortcomings, mistakes I have made. Loser...failure...embarassment...shame...shame...shame.

There is no refuge for me anywhere. No feelings of kindness of love towards my body or my self. It's wearing me down.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Inside of me there is a well of pain and shame and self loathing so deep that I'm afraid I might never find the bottom. How did I get this way?

Today a voice whispered in my ear "Lisa, just stop. Just stop hating yourself. Just stop.".

How do I stop?


susana said...

you don't know me, but I came across you page a few months ago, quite by accident and have been reading ever since. Don't freak out, but after reading what you wrote this morning, I felt compelled to tell you what it is I like about you.
1. I like your honesty and sincerity.
2. I like the way you hang out with your children and speak highly of them.
3. I like your hair so much that I had mine cut in the same fashion.
4. I have a close friend with ED and your blog has helped me better understand and relate to her plight.

Being nice to yourself is hard for everyone. I remember being a self conscious teenager when my PE teacher gave us an assignment. We had to go 24 hours with out speaking negative to ourselves. It was hard, I had made it such a habit of saying bad things (like the ones you listed about yourself). The teacher also pointed out that we most likely speak nicer to dogs than we do to ourselves.
Anyway I just wanted to share that.
From what little I know about you, I think you are gorgeous. Outside and in.

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

Wow...My every day, my every morning...summed up in this post. It's horrible, isn't it? Except I suppose you could add in the whole stepping on and off of the scale portion a few times to my routine...ridiculous, all the same. It's so painful, and so damaging.

I don't think I could add anything more right on than what Susana did. She's right. You're gorgeous. You're beautiful. It may not seem so to you; it's so hard to believe it, coming from anyone else.

Doesn't make it any less true.


Stay lovely, precious.

Sairs said...

it's really hard to stop, but it is possible. I don't remember when I realised that I was doing okay and more and more everyday okay. I wish I could say something that would magically take it away, but I can't. All I can do is be an ear to listen while you vent :-)

Lou Lou said...

wow this is so great that this voice came in! im so happy about that! that was the voice of who you really are!!!!!!
the compassionate loving person you are lisa! and you were able to hold yourself for a moment there in a time where ED was yelling its abuse!!!
who you really are is a beautiful soul, a kind heart, a loving nature, a compassionate and intelligent woman, and ED is a bastard who continuously finds lies to tell you, and right now it sounds like its going right into the heart of your appearance. you are gorgeous and you are love, i find for me that the voice of ED is one thing and the voice of who i really am is another. and to support the voice of who i really am i have to do affirmations. and often the first few times i say something like "I accept myself and love myself" I hear "NO YOU DONT YOUR SHIT" but thats the voice of ED, the more i affirm myself the quieter ED voice can be, these affirmations suport the voice of who i realy am, and that little voice that came to you in a time of sadness could use a little nurturing right now! xoxoxoxo
my yoga teacher says focus on 3 different affirmations a day, and make them in present tense
"I am a loving and kind mother today"
"I look after my health and nurture my body"
"I depply love and accept myself"

xoxoxoxo kia kaha

Zena said...

((((hugs)))) me too sweetie, me too, I dont have an answer...gosh I wish I did, I wish you could see what we all see, there is so much love, kindness, goodness, sincerity, in every ounce of your being...I wish you could see it like we all do, I wish I could fix your broken mirror, you dont see what we all hurts me to see you hurt...I love you sweetie, and if I could make it stop, I have my prayers though (((Lisa)))

Love, Tara

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I could have written every word. I feel exactly the same. I'm so close to leaving treatment ... so close.

Does anyone know - how do we stop hating ourselves?

You are a beautiful person, inside and out and a good person. You have no reason to hate yourself. Try to be kind.

Hugs and love,

bananas said...

I don't know what to say but... listen to that whisper. You are beautiful, inside and out, Lisa.

Alexandra Rising said...

I seriously think you are so beautiful. I know that what *I* think cant change how you feel or think--oh, how I wish it could!--but I do see a beautiful, pixie-like woman with a gorgeous facial structure, piercing eyes, and the ability to rock the short hair.

I wish there was a pill to fix those feelings. You also have wonderful, caring, creative, imaginative insides. You are beautiful inside AND out.