I was scrutinizing my reflection in the mirror this morning and I felt the familiar feeling of despair settle into the pit of my stomach and I just felt so tired. Tired of hating myself. Every day it's the same thing, the same thoughts. Fat thighs...fat stomach...bad hair...ugly, plain face with all the lines and pores and pimples. Old...fat...ugly...plain...shame...shame...shame.
I don't give myself a break anywhere. When I am not criticizing my body, I am judging my life. My failures, shortcomings, mistakes I have made. Loser...failure...embarassment...shame...shame...shame.
There is no refuge for me anywhere. No feelings of kindness of love towards my body or my self. It's wearing me down.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Inside of me there is a well of pain and shame and self loathing so deep that I'm afraid I might never find the bottom. How did I get this way?
Today a voice whispered in my ear "Lisa, just stop. Just stop hating yourself. Just stop.".
How do I stop?
5 months ago