So I had my first (and likely my last) appointment with Dr. Goat today (not his real name). Although I do try not to judge people on appearances, I must say that that my first glimpse of Dr. Goat did not inspire confidence. He looked quite old, which I should have expected, since he is semi-retired. His hair was wiry and unkempt, he had a gnarly beard, and a mustache that grew right out of his nose. What I mean is, nosehair flowed out of his nostrils and onto his upper lip, where it formed a mustache. Yep, one of those. And the best part is that there was a huge dried booger stuck in the nosehair part of the 'stache, and it was nearly impossible for me to look at his face without focusing on the booger. Akward. So mostly I tried to look at Dr. Goat's feet. His high-water slacks revealed that he wore loafers without socks, and had a wicked tanline just above the ankle. Also very distracting.
Ok, now that I sound like a shallow biatch, let me get to our conversation. He asked me the the basic questions about my symptoms, family history, medications, ect. I tried to emphasise how depressed and anxious I have been, that I don't think my current meds are doing the job, also my extreme fatigue and not sleeping well. I also mentioned that I have struggled with "eating disorders" but am "doing ok".
Dr. Goat seemed very bored and rather unimpressed with my plight. He said that he thought my medications were "appropriate" and that what I needed to do was excercise every day. He started to drone on about the benefits of excercise and I immediately began to tune him out, until I heard him say "it even helps with weight!". What???? Then he looked me up and down and said "but that doesn't seem to be a problem for you" and I felt....relieved? Irritated? I don't know. By that point I was pretty much done anyways, the smiling and nodding had commenced.
I know about the benefits of regular excercise. I mean, duh! But come on, I think that expecting me to get up early and excercise every morning (which was his suggestion for my insomnia) is a bit ambitious, considering that I feel so fatigued in the morning that i get sick to my stomach, and it's a huge accomplishment if I am in the shower by 10. He also completely overlooked the fact that excercise is generally not helpful to people with chronic fatigue. The last time I tried regular, formal excercise it left me so wiped out that getting through the rest of the day was nearly impossible. But I hadn't put "chronic fatigue syndrome" on my history form, and I wasn't inclined to bring it up when he started going on about the excercise, so I guess that's not his fault. But I'm just guessing he is one of those who think that CFS isn't a "real" disease and could probably be cured by a little willpower and gumption. Whatever.
Finally, he asked me if I had any questions for him. I couldn't think of any, so there was a bit of an akward silence, after which I meekly said "so are you going to change any of my meds?". I guess that was a question. He said no.
Then he said he wanted to see me back in a month. Yeah, like that is going to happen.
I don't know what to do now. I guess I will go on taking these meds until I run out, then use the refills Dr. Goat gave me, and when those run out I will go back to Dr. Sean. IF things get worse or I have a crisis I suppose I will call Dr. Sean. He did say that if it didn't work out with the new doctor he would see me.
I'm not sure this post adequately describes how misunderstood I felt today. I just recently got out of the hospital (hospitalisation #21), am severely depressed and anxious, and it seems I have gotten a pat on the head and a "just take a walk and everything will be ok". Maybe I should have gone in unshowered, with my hair messed up and a booger in my nose.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago