Friday, April 16, 2010

Fear and Change

A lot has happened the past two days, or it seems like. I am trying to collect my thoughts. I wish my therapist was in on Fridays, but she isn't. I guess this blog will have to sub for therapy, which is ok because it has before.

Yesterday I completely freaked out. I think it was the strain of the past few days just wearing me down. I woke up very anxious and jumpy and had Chris dole me out a Xanax before he left for school. But at about 11:30 the Xanax wore off and I was even more anxious and then I started feeling suicidal. My meds are all locked up, but Chris had recently gotten some Lunesta which was not locked up and I had a strong feeling that if I was in the house any longer I was going to overdose on it. So I got Annie in the car and called Chris and told him that I was on my way to pick him up. His class was out but usually he takes the bus home, but I felt I had to get out of the house and cold not wait.
When we got home I was very upset and could not go back in the house. So I sat out in the car while Chris and Annie went in the house and had lunch. Then they came back and it was time for my appointment with Dr. Sean so we went there.
I was very upset at Dr.Sean's office, shaking, unable to talk or focus. Chris and the doctor talked most of the time. Dr. S decided to take me off Xanax, put me on librium instead, and increase my oral risperidone and also put me on risperidone injections right away. He wanted us to go to Walgreens (the only place that had the risperidal shot in stock) and come right back and have the nurse give me the shot. So we went to Walgreens but found out my insurance hadnt authorized the shot yet and it was like $280. So we called the Dr's office and he said it would be ok to wait until today after I had IOP, it would be authorized by then. He also had me make an appointment for next tues to come back to see him.
Then we went to hy-vee to get my librium but they didn't have any in stock. So I came home and took a Xanax and the rest of the evening was kind of a blur. At one point I asked Chris if it would be easier if I was just in a group home and he didn't have to be my caretaker and could go on with his life, but his answer was an emphatic "no". He got me a very lovely card at the Hy-vee and if made me feel alot better.

Ok, so I woke up this morning with these goals: go to IOP, pick up the risperdal shot and the Librium, take the shot to the Dr's office to have them inject it, stay calm and don't have a crisis.
At IOP, everything got shaken up.

I was supposed to see the psychiatrist at IOP for the first time today, but he was busy so he sent his physician's assistant to see me. The PA took my history, including the new meds from yesterday, and I could tell she was not happy. She had me wait while she consulted the doctor, and then she came back and told me to NOT get the shot, or the librium, and they want to take me off of most of my meds, starting with the methylphenidate right away. I just started to cry, because I was so anxious about this. I mean, i just had this "breakdown" yesterday, and Dr. S had changed some things and that was supposed to help, and here was this PA telling me to do the opposite. And the thing is, i know Dr. Sean and I trust him. These people don't know me at all.
On the way home i called Dr Seans nurse and talked to her and I was very upset and I didn't know what to do. Get the shot, dont get the shot? Go off the methylP? What about the librium? The PA told me to take Xanax in a pinch, but DR S didn't want me to take it anymore. AARRGH!

Dr. Sean called me back and told me that he had talked with the PA and I'm not even going to go into that whole conversation but basically he though I should do what they told me to do. So I was like "ok, see you tues" and he said no, they cancelled that appointment because the psychiatrist was going to do my meds now. So I just said "ok, well, take it easy then."

I feel as though my whole world has been shaken up. On one hand, I was looking forward to having a psychiatrist take a look at my meds. But I didn't know that he would switch everything around (without meeting me)! Who is this guy, anyway? Can I trust him? That might sound like a paranoid question, but I have dealt with psychiatrists who just as soon commit you as look at you. In the condition I was in yesterday, a psychiatrist might have committed me. I have always appreciated Dr. Seans's willingness to trust me and work with me. Now he is gone (or it feels like he is). Have I started down a risky road? Today at IOP I was signing releases and I noticed that one of them was for CPC, with is county case management, and i got really scared and asked them why they needed that release. I was thinking "are they thinking of putting me in a group home?"! But the lady said it was just a funding source, in case my insurance didn't pay for the IOP.

Part of me is thinking "run! run while you still can!". Have I started down a risky road that will lead to having my life controlled by psychiatrists and social workers again? Or am I just worrying too much. Should I quit IOP and just go back to DR Sean? But maybe he wouldn't take me back, after all, he agreed with the PA.

I don't know what to do. i will just try not to "be crazy". I am not going to give them any reason to committ me. I wish my therapist was in today. I would love to hear her take on all this.

I know I am getting paraniod because I was just in the tub and there was a knock on the door and the door bell rang at the same time, you know, like "officaial" people do. I felt cold all over because I knew it was the sherriff, come to take me to the psych ward, and all I could think is "no they cant do this! I'm ok! I'm not doing anything wrong!". But it was just the UPS guy with a book from Barnes and Sigh of relief.


Anonymous said...

for me, change = fear. i have yet to embrace the idea that 'the only constant thing is change'.
I'm wishing you luck over the weekend and in embracing the changes in life and medications. How sweet of Chris to get you a card. He loves you so much, it's so touching :)

Sairs said...

I hope you are feeling a little better since you wrote this. I'm sorry it's been such and awful day for you. Change is scary but sometimes it works out, you never know, it might go really well and you'll feel better. Maybe just give it a chance and think of what it would be like to not be anxious anymore.

Maeve said...

I really hope that by the time you read this you are feeling less anxious!

It sounds like you have had one heck of a stressful week, and breakdowns or not you have displayed unbelievable strength throughout it.

Take care of yourself, and remember that we're here for you!

Alexandra Rising said...

Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry. None of this sounds easy to handle, even for someone without anxiety! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and how overwhelming it may feel.
I'm so happy you have a wonderful husband and I hope you believe him when he assures you. How awful the mind can be!
<3 Will be thinking of you.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm sorry you are going through all this. Change is hard, and trusting is even harder. i wish they would have eased you into this; anyone would feel anxious which such abrupt and sudden changes and counter-changes.

Remember you do have rights, they can't just take you to the psych ward (they usually have to petition you in and have strong valid reasons to do so) and you have Chris on your side (he's not going to let anything bad happen to you.) But I can understand feeling paranoid.


Jenn said...

oh girly, changes in meds and the un-sureity (is that a word?) in life is so so scary but I ADMIRE you for so many things right now.

Some of those things are:

1-recognizing it was not safe to be in the house with the Lunesta and getting out!
2- being willing to keep trying the different meds and working with your treatment team and all the changes.
3- writing on this blog and reaching out for help.
4- trying to face the fear and changes instead of completely running away.

Thos are just a few, but I admire your strength! I know you might not recognize or belive that strength but WE ALL DO and it's in there! It's inside of you trying to push it's way out!

keep fighting, and I hope you will be able to get through the weekend and until you are able to see your doc and therapist again.


Keely said...

I am so sorry lisa. I don't know what I could say to help. But I love you and care about you and hope that this gets better. (hug) Call me if you need to talk.

Lou Lou said...

hey lise
it sounds like you are having a tough time and i wanted to say that i know you can get through this. i believe in you so much, and there is always a way out. well done for getting out of the house hat day and picking up chris, you are incredibly strong. and brave, and you are really really amazing!
i think your strength is unbelievably inspiring and you sure have helped me look at today (which started out with huge ED voices) and think, we can get through this, because if i know you can, i must know it is possible, which means i can too.
change can be incredibly challenging, and i am thinking of you! kia kaha, stay strong

Anonymous said...


I Hate to Weight said...

wow. a ton to handle. how confusing for you.

i wonder -- is Dr.Sean a psychiatrist?

hallelujah that you have Chris. and you have yourself. hang in there.

i hope and pray that things have been sorted out and you have been recognized in this process.

take good care. sending the warmest, warmest of thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are doing okay! I've been thinking about you.

I Hate to Weight said...

lisa, just wanted you to know i've been thinking about you. this is really tough and you are brave and strong. hang in there. sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way.

let us know how you're doing, whenever you are ready. take care,

Zena said...

"where for art thou Lisa?" I hope its not/kinda do though hope its where I think you are...thinking about you((hugs))

update when you can...Im worried

love you


Alexandra Rising said...

Lisa, where are you? We havent heard from you in 10 days: I hope you are OKAY. As long as you are okay whereever you are, that's most important.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. With a heart <3 and a smile :)

Cammy said...

Hey Lisa, I noticed you haven't updated in over a week, just checking in to send some support and let you know that you're being thought of! I really hope you're ok. <3