Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I am a good mom

I am a good mom who is having a shitty day and i am getting through this.

I took Annie to the library this morning and stayed there while she played on the computer and looked at books and I breathed in and out and tried not to cry. We came home, and even though I felt numb and sick inside I made Annie lunch and put in a load of laundry. At one point I stepped outside because I was afraid that I might cry, and Annie came out after a few minutes. We played with a bouncy ball and some sidewalk chalk and watched a rabbit. I showed her the string on the fence that still had some dried up cranberries from our Christmas popcorn string and we talked about how fun it was to make that and how the animals must have enjoyed it. It reminded me of happier times.

I went to therapy and cried my eyes out. My therapist, who is WONDERFUL, told me that it is ok to cry and feel sad and emotional because this is a big deal. He might just be another criminal in jail, he might not be the best dad, but he is MY DAD and I love him.

I got home not too long ago and feel totally emotionally drained. But Annie still needs me and wants to have fun and do something besides watch tv. I can't muster much to play with her, but I had the idea to fill a bucket with water and get a paintbrush and a sponge. So we are sitting outside on this warm day, and I am on the computer, and annie is "painting" on the sidewalk with water, and also sticking her foot in the water and making footprints. She is talking to herself the way little kids do and I believe I just heard her say "let's make the magic begin!". So I know she is having a good time.

I feel so weak, yet so strong at the same time. I am hurting, but I am keeping it together.

P.S. thank you all for your loving and non-judgemental words of support:)


battleinmind said...

You are an AMAZING mum! You can see the love for your children in this post.
Your therapist is right, it is a big deal, and you can cry about it.


Eating Alone said...

Crying is ok. He's your dad its allowed.

And yes you are a great mom. She will remember this day and be happy. You can be sad, but be proud of taking care of your children.

Happily Ever After said...

I just found your blog through a kind comment you left for a friend of mine... and thought that today might be the day I should say hi. You are right -- you are strong. And from what I've read, you're a great mom! You're doing just what your children need you to do, even as you are experiencing your own pain as a child of a parent who's made some not-so-great choices.

I say you sit down and have a good cry tonight after you tuck the babies in bed. No one expects you to be a super-hero, you shouldn't expect it of yourself either.

Lisa and Jim said...

You ARE a good mom. Oh goodness, darlin, if you knew some of the parents of the students I teach ...

I just caught up on your last entry and I'm so, so sorry. I hope you and your family are hanging in there.

kristin said...

I'm sorry that things are so difficult right now. I'm so sorry about your dad. Despite everything, it sounds like you are taking care of yourself and your family. You must be one strong woman. :)

Hang in there! It's okay to cry.

Jennifer said...

Lisa, you are such a BRILLIANT Mum!!
You are such an INCREDIBLY STRONG person!!
I truly admire you.
Heaps of love and care,
'Jennifer xx

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

"Let's make the magic begin!"

That is a beautiful phrase and sums up my hopes for recovery. Tell Annie thank you (and give her hugs and kisses) for me. Sometimes I think if only I really believed ... she knows what's important.

You are a great mom, who creates magic and wonder and fun for her children.



Keely said...

I love you (hug) And am so proud of you for being strong and pulling through this. And that means positive coping, crying, deep breaths at the library, and being there for annie. You are my hero.

Amber Rochelle said...

You are a good mom...and your dad is a good dad. Maybe he didn't have a wonderful profession, but that doesn't change that he loves you and vice versa. I can see how very much you love your children and are trying to do absolutely everything you can for them. And I have faith that your children will see that and know just how much they are loved. Wishing you the best through this hard time.