I am a good mom who is having a shitty day and i am getting through this.
I took Annie to the library this morning and stayed there while she played on the computer and looked at books and I breathed in and out and tried not to cry. We came home, and even though I felt numb and sick inside I made Annie lunch and put in a load of laundry. At one point I stepped outside because I was afraid that I might cry, and Annie came out after a few minutes. We played with a bouncy ball and some sidewalk chalk and watched a rabbit. I showed her the string on the fence that still had some dried up cranberries from our Christmas popcorn string and we talked about how fun it was to make that and how the animals must have enjoyed it. It reminded me of happier times.
I went to therapy and cried my eyes out. My therapist, who is WONDERFUL, told me that it is ok to cry and feel sad and emotional because this is a big deal. He might just be another criminal in jail, he might not be the best dad, but he is MY DAD and I love him.
I got home not too long ago and feel totally emotionally drained. But Annie still needs me and wants to have fun and do something besides watch tv. I can't muster much to play with her, but I had the idea to fill a bucket with water and get a paintbrush and a sponge. So we are sitting outside on this warm day, and I am on the computer, and annie is "painting" on the sidewalk with water, and also sticking her foot in the water and making footprints. She is talking to herself the way little kids do and I believe I just heard her say "let's make the magic begin!". So I know she is having a good time.
I feel so weak, yet so strong at the same time. I am hurting, but I am keeping it together.
P.S. thank you all for your loving and non-judgemental words of support:)
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago