Well, today is the first day of my Xanax being totally locked up because I was not using it responsibly. Like we couldn't all see that coming. All of my meds are locked up, but I get my meds for the day in a little pill case before Chris leaves in the morning. That used to include Xanax. Now it does not. If I want a Xanax, I have to wait until Chris is home, and I have to ask him for it, and I have to be ready to explain why I need it and which skills i have tried to use already.
Let me just state, though, that this was my idea and my decision. It came after 3 days in a row of me saying to Chris "I know I'm not using Xanax appropriately. i'm going to try to not take any today" and then taking it anyway. Last night I fell asleep on the couch watching COPS (it was 6:30!). Embarassing.
It's not that I have been taking too much Xanax. It's kind of subtle, just a bad feeling I had that I wasn't doing it right and I had better nip this in the bud before it became a problem. I am only supposed to take the Xanax when I am panicking freaking out might hurt myself, that sort of thing. But i have been taking it to relax. To unwind. Taking it if I felt like i had a hard day and "deserved" some. Taking it to loosen up for social situations. Taking it when I have been angry. Basically anytime I have felt a negative emotion in the last 10 days I have taken Xanax. Not that it hasn't been nice. But with my history, I KNOW better.
Le sigh. I am left with all these mesy, yucky emotions today, and I don't know what to do with them. Blogging is good. But I cant stay on the computer 24/7.
I guess I should congratulate myself that I have headed off catastrophe. But instead I feel ashamed. Why can't I control myself with the Xanax? Why am I so weak? I feel like I weak, stupid child, and a failure. I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could "handle it".
Sorry to be so negative. Just not feeling that great today. Maybe a cup of coffee will help.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago