Monday, April 12, 2010

Xanax fail

Well, today is the first day of my Xanax being totally locked up because I was not using it responsibly. Like we couldn't all see that coming. All of my meds are locked up, but I get my meds for the day in a little pill case before Chris leaves in the morning. That used to include Xanax. Now it does not. If I want a Xanax, I have to wait until Chris is home, and I have to ask him for it, and I have to be ready to explain why I need it and which skills i have tried to use already.

Let me just state, though, that this was my idea and my decision. It came after 3 days in a row of me saying to Chris "I know I'm not using Xanax appropriately. i'm going to try to not take any today" and then taking it anyway. Last night I fell asleep on the couch watching COPS (it was 6:30!). Embarassing.

It's not that I have been taking too much Xanax. It's kind of subtle, just a bad feeling I had that I wasn't doing it right and I had better nip this in the bud before it became a problem. I am only supposed to take the Xanax when I am panicking freaking out might hurt myself, that sort of thing. But i have been taking it to relax. To unwind. Taking it if I felt like i had a hard day and "deserved" some. Taking it to loosen up for social situations. Taking it when I have been angry. Basically anytime I have felt a negative emotion in the last 10 days I have taken Xanax. Not that it hasn't been nice. But with my history, I KNOW better.

Le sigh. I am left with all these mesy, yucky emotions today, and I don't know what to do with them. Blogging is good. But I cant stay on the computer 24/7.

I guess I should congratulate myself that I have headed off catastrophe. But instead I feel ashamed. Why can't I control myself with the Xanax? Why am I so weak? I feel like I weak, stupid child, and a failure. I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could "handle it".

Sorry to be so negative. Just not feeling that great today. Maybe a cup of coffee will help.


Maeve said...

You are not weak. Your body craves Xanax, and you have been responding to those cravings (the fact it craves it for the wrong reasons is another story that has NOTHING to do with weakness).

You are strong. When you realised what was happening you took control of the situation. You made a decision that was very difficult because you knew it was for the best.

You are strong, you are not weak.

Remember this.

kristin said...

It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself. I think what you are doing is a good thing! You should be proud of yourself! :)