I don't believe i've ever felt this desperate. Well, i'm sure that i have before, but right now it doesn't feel that way. I have just spent the last hour ransacking my bedroom looking for where Chris hides my meds. Oh, and i tried my hand at picking the lock on my med-dose box (which chris has the key to). Unfortunately my lock-picking skills suck because I was unsuccessful.
The problem is...the problem is...
I took my daily dose of Xanax waaay too early today, and for some reason it wore off after about an hour, leaving me with near paralyzing anxiety that i would do just about anything to get rid of again. I feel like a crazy person, like I would do just about anything to relax and "numb out". it is for this reason that we have no hand sanitizer in the house, all of out mouthwash is alcohol-free, and a few weeks ago Chris supervised as I threw out all of my baking exctracts.
What the heck is going on with me? Is the Xanax making everything worse? It seems like as soon as it wears off, I am gripped with an anxiety that is worse than before. I don't want to turn into the crazy person I was 3 years ago, when I was hospitalized 5 times in a matter of months. And we had to move back to iowa to have more family support. And DHS stepped in and made me put Annie in daycare, because they didn't think i was well enough to take care of her. There. I said it. My biggest secret and the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. The reason I am always questioning whether I am a good mom, and feeling so guilty for all the ways I fall short. The DHS case nearly destroyed me. It took the one thing about myself that made me feel worthwhile, the one thing that I thought I was good at, my source of pride (being a mom), and ripped it away. That is all over now, the case was closed a year and a half ago. but it still haunts me. I deal with the guilt, the shame, the anger, every week in therapy (my therapist, btw, doesn't think I should have ever had a case in the first place. Plus, i did appeal my case and won and had it dropped, but it took so long to go to an appeal hearing that my case was closed out before the hearing even took place. But I still went thoruogh the appeal hearing because I wanted my name off the child abuse registry because I am NOT A DAMN CHILD ABUSER I WOULD NEVER HURT ANY CHILD AND I NEVER HAD!!). Just because I am mentally ill does not make me a bad mom!!!!!
Wow, where did all that verbal diahrrea come from. I guess my point is, that the downfall a few years ago all started with abusing the Xanax and losing touch with reality, abusing the Xanax, overdosing on it several times, being taken off it abruptly and drinking hand sanitizer and perfume to cope, the hospitalizations, being moved to Iowa, and totally losing it, the DHS case, and the nightmare year and a half that followed, which I am still trying to get over.
Oh my gosh I cant believe I just wrote all that. The DHS case is pretty much my deepest darkest secret, something I am so ashamed of. I am really tempted to delete all of this. But on one hand, maybe getting it out there will help ease some of the shame. I figure i trust most people who read this blog, but still, I am worried about what you will all think of me. For over a year I did not make any friends. I quit the PTA, which was something I had dearly wanted to be a part of. I just felt so ashamed about my case, and I feared that if people really got to know me, they would think I was a bad mom and a terrible person. Finally i am starting to regain my confidence, to put myself out there again. Of course, the moms that I meet, I do not tell them all of this. I am trying to keep it in the past. It does not define me, it is not who I am. But for some reason, I feel I can share this all with you. Please do not judge me too harshly. i am a good person. I am a good mom (ok, still working on believing this one. It is like trying to retrain my thoughts after one and a half years of being told otherwise). I deserve to love myself, to forgive myself, and to put this behind me.
I guess the point of all this is, I worry about the Xanax. I worry that it will be the start of me losing my mind again. But I feel like I need it. I feel ruled by my emotions and anxiety. But this time around, I am being honest. My meds are locked up. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and telling him all of this. I dont know what the next step is for me. I dont knoe how to feel better, sane, and safe. But I am working on it.
5 months ago