Wednesday, April 7, 2010

lets see how many of you still like me after you read this

I don't believe i've ever felt this desperate. Well, i'm sure that i have before, but right now it doesn't feel that way. I have just spent the last hour ransacking my bedroom looking for where Chris hides my meds. Oh, and i tried my hand at picking the lock on my med-dose box (which chris has the key to). Unfortunately my lock-picking skills suck because I was unsuccessful.

The problem is...the problem is...

I took my daily dose of Xanax waaay too early today, and for some reason it wore off after about an hour, leaving me with near paralyzing anxiety that i would do just about anything to get rid of again. I feel like a crazy person, like I would do just about anything to relax and "numb out". it is for this reason that we have no hand sanitizer in the house, all of out mouthwash is alcohol-free, and a few weeks ago Chris supervised as I threw out all of my baking exctracts.

What the heck is going on with me? Is the Xanax making everything worse? It seems like as soon as it wears off, I am gripped with an anxiety that is worse than before. I don't want to turn into the crazy person I was 3 years ago, when I was hospitalized 5 times in a matter of months. And we had to move back to iowa to have more family support. And DHS stepped in and made me put Annie in daycare, because they didn't think i was well enough to take care of her. There. I said it. My biggest secret and the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. The reason I am always questioning whether I am a good mom, and feeling so guilty for all the ways I fall short. The DHS case nearly destroyed me. It took the one thing about myself that made me feel worthwhile, the one thing that I thought I was good at, my source of pride (being a mom), and ripped it away. That is all over now, the case was closed a year and a half ago. but it still haunts me. I deal with the guilt, the shame, the anger, every week in therapy (my therapist, btw, doesn't think I should have ever had a case in the first place. Plus, i did appeal my case and won and had it dropped, but it took so long to go to an appeal hearing that my case was closed out before the hearing even took place. But I still went thoruogh the appeal hearing because I wanted my name off the child abuse registry because I am NOT A DAMN CHILD ABUSER I WOULD NEVER HURT ANY CHILD AND I NEVER HAD!!). Just because I am mentally ill does not make me a bad mom!!!!!

Wow, where did all that verbal diahrrea come from. I guess my point is, that the downfall a few years ago all started with abusing the Xanax and losing touch with reality, abusing the Xanax, overdosing on it several times, being taken off it abruptly and drinking hand sanitizer and perfume to cope, the hospitalizations, being moved to Iowa, and totally losing it, the DHS case, and the nightmare year and a half that followed, which I am still trying to get over.

Oh my gosh I cant believe I just wrote all that. The DHS case is pretty much my deepest darkest secret, something I am so ashamed of. I am really tempted to delete all of this. But on one hand, maybe getting it out there will help ease some of the shame. I figure i trust most people who read this blog, but still, I am worried about what you will all think of me. For over a year I did not make any friends. I quit the PTA, which was something I had dearly wanted to be a part of. I just felt so ashamed about my case, and I feared that if people really got to know me, they would think I was a bad mom and a terrible person. Finally i am starting to regain my confidence, to put myself out there again. Of course, the moms that I meet, I do not tell them all of this. I am trying to keep it in the past. It does not define me, it is not who I am. But for some reason, I feel I can share this all with you. Please do not judge me too harshly. i am a good person. I am a good mom (ok, still working on believing this one. It is like trying to retrain my thoughts after one and a half years of being told otherwise). I deserve to love myself, to forgive myself, and to put this behind me.

I guess the point of all this is, I worry about the Xanax. I worry that it will be the start of me losing my mind again. But I feel like I need it. I feel ruled by my emotions and anxiety. But this time around, I am being honest. My meds are locked up. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and telling him all of this. I dont know what the next step is for me. I dont knoe how to feel better, sane, and safe. But I am working on it.


ksgirl said...

We all have secrets and things that we are ashamed of and I admire you for having the guts to put yours out there today. Lisa, I just want to let you know that after reading your blog for a while and this post, I KNOW you are not a bad person, a mom, or a child abuser.

You are working so incredibly hard to do what is best for yourself and your family and I admire that and wish you strength.

Sensory Overload said...

I have in the past month come across your blog (via another blog) and have found many aspects I relate with. I genuinely appreciate what you do share. Even though you have these struggles, you are willing to share them with some people who know you personally and then those of us who you don't. You've touched my life in a positive way and I want you to know this.

I certainly am not judging you.

Nobody has it all sorted. In fact, you simply sharing and acknowledging what is going on and what has been going on to me states the strength you hold.

If anything, maybe you can try to be a little more gentle with yourself.

May you feel the strength of your spirit and know that you offer light to life.

Maeve said...

If it's possible I like you even more after reading this!

The message I took from this post is that Lisa is an unbelievably strong woman who has proven that she can overcome anything!

I think I may have used the cancer analogy before, but please allow me to use it again. If you were sick with cancer it is highly likely you would move across country to be closer to family. It is also likely that you would put your daughter in day care because of your health. No one would EVER judge you for doing those things, and no one SHOULD EVER judge you for doing them when you were too sick with your illnesses.

It breaks my heart to know you've suffered in this way, and I can understand why you would feel so rotten, but I also know that you shouldn't feel guilty. You are an AMAZING MOTHER. If I ever become a mother I hope that I can be half as caring and loving as you are, and I mean that.

Keep us posted on the doctor's appointment. And I for one promise to stand by you no matter what.

You are strong, and this post shows it. So yeah, I like you even more since you've displayed both strength and honesty (both amazing qualities) :-)

battleinmind said...

I'm not judging you at all. From what I have read you are a fabulous mum, and that is proved by how caring you are! Thank you so much for sharing this secret with us


Missing In Sight said...

Sorry, but I don't dislike you after reading your post. DHS isn't always right.

As for your Xanax...I used to be on prescription pain killers. I legitimately had low back pain, but the pain killers weren't working anymore. I was in a lot of pain. I thought once I was off the pain killers my back pain would be worse but once I detoxed my back pain actually got BETTER!

I wonder if your Xanax is making your anxiety worse like my pain killers made my back worse. Might be worth exploring with you doctor.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Oh my gosh, Lisa, you would have to do so so so much worse than what you've written, and I would still like you. You're like a kindred spirit!

You have a mental illness; that doesn't make you bad, it just makes you sick.

Let me tell you some of the things I've done - cutting, becoming so desperate about the food in me that I stopped at a KFC and inserted a laxative suppository to get the food out immediately, dug through the trash after my husband threw away my laxative pills to try and get them, throwing away more food than I care to remember ... I could go on; but maybe you don't like me now.

And between Dec. 2008 and February 2009, I was in the hospital five times. I made it one year before being admitted this past February.

About the Xanax. Before my current doctor cut me off, I had a quack who prescribed me Xanax for six years. And I took them like candy; 1 to 2 mg pills four to five times a day - even when I weighed 92 pounds. I'm lucky it didn't kill me. Now my current doctor is very cautious with meds, and when I started seeing him in Aug. 2008, he tapered off the Xanax, appalled that I had been on it for so long and had been given such free access to it.

As far as being a mother, you are a wonderful mother. Your children know you love them, you create many fun and memorable moments for them, they look very happy in the pics and the DHS can be wrong, you know.

My point is that we have all done really bad things while dealing with our illnesses; believe me, it was not the shining moment of my life with anorexia to stop at a KFC and do that. I was so ashamed to tell my doctor (but I promised him I would tell all).

I will like you no matter what. You are strong and brave and you never give up, and I admire you immensely.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

P.S. There - now you know some of the worse things about me.

I Hate to Weight said...

i'm so, so sorry for what you've been through.

for whatever you're feeling i hope you can be gentle with yourself. i, myself, am working very hard on forgiveness.

the xanax. benzos make it hard. xanax always left my system fast and then i felt even more anxious. for me, klonopin was better with that. but i certainly don't want to recommend meds!

take absoloutely the best care of yourself. try not to judge (not too easy, right). be well

Amber Rochelle said...

I don't think any less of you. In fact, quite the opposite. You've overcome some major obsacles, and I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I can tell by your posts that you are an amazing mother. Sometimes we need a little help, but that certainly doesn't make you an abuser, or mean that you don't love your kids, or that you wouldn't do everything in your power for them. It just means you're human. I don't doubt that your kids know they are loved.

Single said...

It's true. We all do have secrets we are ashamed of. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. Repeat this over and over until you believe it. Xanax is a strange medicine. It makes my boyfriend crazy and I can't stand when he takes it but it doesn't have any affect on me. However, I sometimes react pretty strangely to Ambien. Anyway, hang in there! said...

Okay... this is what I was thinking while reading this:

1) Oh my gosh what a horrible thing to go through. CAse dropped or not, that is a REALLY REALLY tough thing to go through, Lisa, and you did not deserve all of that! I am SO, SO, SO sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could give you a hug and chase down the DHS people and scream at them, telling them they dont' know you, telling them they did the wrong thing. It makes SO MUCH sense that you would take a while to regain your confidence. Having your confidence shaken to its core is a TOUGH thing to recover from. And, worst of all, the whole thing was totally uncalled for.

2. I am being very honest when I tell you that "good mom" is the FIRST thing I think of when I think of you. Even if I couldn't read English and wasn't able to read your blog, I would still think "good mom" because I can see how happy and cared for your children are in their photos.

3. I do not think ANYTHING less of you AT ALL. I think you feel SO MUCH SHAME and EMBARASSMENT.... but I want you to know that, knowing this, nothing has changed in my mind except that now I'm pissed at the DHS.

4. You ARE being responsible with your meds, with chris having the key, etc. GOOD FOR YOU. You don't wnat to go back to xanax abuse or perfume/sanitizer drinking... and so you're playing it safe by keeping those items out of the house and by giving Chris the key to your meds. It is really good that you are going to tell your doctor about your concerns about the xanax tomorrow.

5. You had a ROUGH year and some things happened to you (THAT YOU DIDN'T DESERVE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that really shook you. It's okay to be shaken by this. Anyone would be.

6. I AM SO IMPRESSED at how much you've come back to life as I've been reading your blog (almost a year now). I've seen you plan parties, decorate your house, seek out activities for you and your family to do, seek out places for you and your family to visit. I've seen you wake up in a low mood, and take care of yourself by making a play date or getting dressed and taking the girls somewhere. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN'T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AND THEIR FAMILIES THE WAY YOU DO? I really mean all of this.

Oh, Lisa, HUGE HUG, okay? I think so highly of your parenting skills and of your ability to pull yourself up from a low mood.

You are afraid this is SUCH a shameful thing... but I want you to know that I read this and dind't even CONSIDER changing my opinion about you. AT ALL. okay?

Keely said...

I still LOVE you. (hug) I don't know what more to say (with your fan club taking the words right out of my mouth :) but just know that I love you and think you're a great mom and friend.

dietcolagirl said...

I second what Maeve said - I like you more for your openness and your genuineness and being able to look back on the past without it paralyzing you from moving forward. We all have things we are ashamed of but even from a distance I can see what a great person you are and you inspire me to be a better mom too :) look at those April fool's "eggs" and "toast"... you're an awesoeme mommy and you show me that even with an ED you can still be a good mom.

jodilynn said...

I definitely don't judge you after reading this post. I am probably one of the few readers who have actually seen you interact with your children and can say you are an AWESOME mom. I wish I would have had a mom who cared as much for me as you do for your girls. They come before anything else in your life. You may not even realize it, but you are even putting them before your eating disorder. I know there are times where you want to engage in behaviors but don't because you want to avoid treatment because you WANT to be there for your girls. I could go on and on with examples of why you are a good mother. You are fighting and that's what counts. DHS makes mistakes all of the time and misjudged your situation. Unfortunately.

I hope you know that I am always here for you. Feel free to text, call, message, or chat any time.