Thursday, April 8, 2010

not going to put a title on this one....

....beacause I cant think of anything positive to say. No way to put a happy, peppy spin on the huge pile of crap this day has been. Well, here it is.

Was paralyzed by anxiety almost from the moment I got up, yet determined not to start the day out with a Xanax. Puttered around the house a bit, tried to clean things up and get ready for my day. I had an appointment with Dr Sean this afternoon, and my husband was going to come, and I was looking forward to all of the input. I was thinking it was going to be sort of a "where do we go from here" type of meeting. Oh, btw, my skype with the psychiatrist that was supposed to happen yesterday was cancelled because my insurance wouldnt cover it. SO Sean's still my main man.

One idea I had that I wanted to propose is doing iop at the local hospital. I called and got information about it and it seems pretty doable. Plus I think I have care for annie all arranged, and I would be home by the time Emma got home from school. Its actually only 3 hours 3 days a week, so I wouldnt even be away from annie too long. And if i had therapy on tues and thurs, that would be some form of treatment every day.

SO anyways, I was going to propose all this to the doctor, but his nurse called and told me he had a family emergency and had to leave for the day. UGH. I got rescheduled for tomorrow, but chris cant come too because he has class. And I really wanted chris to be there. Bolth to witness that I am being good with the xanax, and also to be a part of my treatment planning. Damnit.

Well, it is what it is. I did get an appointment with Kim tonight because I feel I am losing it. To get from here to there, I am just going to try to do one thing at a time. Finish this blog.make an early dinner. Do a little housekeeping. Like in the group home, when they told you it was therapy, but it was actually chores. Sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilet. You had to mark it off on a chart that said LBD (learning by doing). Can you believe that crap!? Never again will i be in a place like that. Thats why I am working so hard to keep it together, and reaching out for the help I know I need.


Lou Lou said...

Lisa! It sounds like you have had a tough day babe, I am sorry to hear that. I have missed you and your blog as Iv been off the net for a while, It is so frustrating when you are so ready and set and have plans to go to an appointment and it gets postponed, especially when you feel you need it and want to have your hubby there. I can understand why you would be feeling more than frustrated.
I am really glad youhave been so good wth your xanax, well done! well done lisa! give yourself a ferocious pat on the back for being so dedicated to your appointments! man thats awesome to see.
love light and serenity to you.
kia kaha be strong

bananas said...

Lisa, I'm sorry you're going through this. Anxiety is the suck! And depression + anxiety... ugh. Have you done DBT work in the past? Is it more helpful than cleaning toilets? ;)

I wish I could give you a big hug. The IOP thing sounds promising and I hope it works out!

Zena said...

(((hugs))) to you

not much to say as my day really hasnt been any better then yours...I just keep doing small things to try and feel like Im not totally loseing step at a time sweety...just one small baby step!!! I know how hard it is when it all feels like its crashing down, but one thing I do know is how strong and amazing you are! If anyone can pull it back together its you!! YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE AND YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN!!

I really really hope IOP works out for you...oh and Id have to agree with bananas, DBT is much more helpful then the toilet cleaning:)

you can just google it tons of info comes up...they even have DVD's you can order that actually do the exercises with you...

much much love


lisalisa said...

yeah, that group home sucked the big one. I was there in jan 09- the North Iowa Transitions Center. Look it up, they got a website. Anyways, it was supposed to be for transitioning the mentally ill out of institutions and eventually into your own apartment. But I totally didn't belong there! Seriously, I had to go to a "life skills" class all about how to tell if food should be thrown out of your fridge, life if it has expired or gone bad or what not. Yep, this is what i was doing while you all were in college.

Anyways, I think I blogged about this in a post titled "flashback 2000". If it sounds familiar. Anyways, thanks for the support you all. I managed to make it through the day. I even made meatloafs shaped like little teddy bears for dinner, with ketchup brushed on as jackets and pea buttons and corn eyes. They were cute.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Hang in there! I think the IOP sounds good, too, and I believe in your strength. Know we are all here for you.

Your meatloaf sounds adorable. I bet the girls loved it.



lisalisa said...

yeah I did blog about it. if anyone is interested, it was back in may 09 called "flashback 2000". Sorry I am too lame to set up a link. But check it out, its a good read. If anything, it shows how far i have come.

jodilynn said...

Lisa~If you seriously want a consult with a psychiatrist I would highly recommend Dr. Horvath at Pine Rest in Des office building right by Merle Hay. He's very just down to business but knows his shit. I know they are covered by medicare. His phone number for you or anyone else who reads this blog and is looking for a psych is 515-331-0303. said...

Aw, I hate when the appointment gets cancelled at last minute. I wish could come too. You wrote in your last paragraph: "It is what it is." The ED doctor that I went to this week (who was amazing and I love her) told me she has three phrases that help her: "It is what it is" & "oh well" & "such is life."