Thursday, April 8, 2010

humiliation

Note to self: no more blogging under the influence of Xanax!

I woke up this morning, packed Emma's lunch, unloaded the dishwasher, basically did all my normal morning stuff. I started thinking about blogging and facebook, looking forward to going online like i do every morning after Chris and Emma leave for school. Then, it all came back to me. The hazy memory of last night's blogging, typing out my most shameful secret for everyone to read.

I felt like a rock had landed in my stomach! Was it too late to delete it? What would people think of me now? I know I have never met most of you, but I feel like you are my best friends. There are few people in my "real life" who understand me the way you do. When I am struggling, this blog is the first place I turn to. When I have success, I cant wait to share it with you all. And I love reading about your lives, sharing your ups and downs, hoping in some small way I can support you, the way you support me.

Please, please, I thought to myself as I logged on, dont let them hate me!

but the support and understanding you have all shown me has brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt so accepted. Even a few bloggers i don't know had nice things to say.

It's hard for me to even express in words how awful the whole DHS ordeal was. Every minute of every day I was burdened with feelings of shame and failure. My worker did her best to drill it into my head that I was not a capable parent. Even when things were going well and I reported progress to her, she accused me of "painting a rosy picture". I couldn't win for losing. And the worst part is, before that all happened, i thought I was a really good mom. I mean, there is not alot in my life that I am proud of. I have never completed college. I don't have a career, ect. But I was a good mom, and I knew it. From the beginning. I breastfed both my girls. I read to them before they were old enough to sit up, and were more interested in eating the book than listening to the story. I took them on stroller walks, playdates, the library, the park. I handmade haloween costumes and baked fabulous birthday cakes. Sure, once in awhile I had a bad day, and they spent a few hours in front of the tv while I read or just napped on the couch. Nobody is perfect. But I did feel that being a mom was the one thing I was good at, and it was the most important thing in my life.

Then I hit a rough patch, and all that changed.

Maybe some day I will write about everything that happened. All I want to say right now is this: I have never hurt my children, and never put them in danger. And I stand by that. My DHS case never should have happened, as was confirmed by the success of my appeal. But due to the court backlog, my appeal did not go to hearing until after my case was closed, so even though i won I had to endure a year and a half of hell.

Ok ok I am done blogging about this. I consider it officially closed. I just felt the need to further explain. And to thank you all for your wonderful support.

7 comments:

lisalisa said...

ps. Maeve, Can I be invited to read your blog?

Eating Alone said...

If you had any idea of the stuff that I've done under the influence of ED. So many things I'm ashamed of. That's what happens with mental illness's we act in ways that we don't want to.

Big HUG! Glad Chris keeps it under lock and key.

Maeve said...

of course you can be invited! I just need to know your email so that I can send you an invite. You can email me at maeve.jones(at)live.com if you don't want to post it here :-)

Sairs said...

I'm so glad you are able to get the stuff that is on your mind out here, that is awesome. I read your last post and you are so brave and I don't think what you said is anything to be ashamed about. It's hard enough without anxiety and anxiety is a huge enormous thing in my life, it's horrible. One thing that I do though rather than xanax and it's worked for me, I've been addicted to xanax before, but I have a very low dose of anti-psychotics. They take the edge off of my anxiety and they are non addictive and for me they don't wear off so fast. I am always scared of xanax cos I love it so much, lol! You're doing awesome. Be kind to yourself.
*hugs*
Sarah

lisalisa said...

yeah, i'm on risperdal and also until recently was on seroquel. My doc is thinking of adding geodon or invega. I dont know

bananas said...

I still like you. I have great respect for you. You've been through so much, and it wasn't fair, and your caseworker sounds so evil! Aren't they supposed to advocate FOR the parent?

I really can't imagine the hurt that this has all caused and I can't say I understand fully BUT I definitely, definitely, definitely believe 100% what you said and you ARE a good mother to your girls! They are lucky to have you as a mom.

Alexandra Rising said...

I think you are a great mother, it shows. It really shows.