humiliation

Note to self: no more blogging under the influence of Xanax!

I woke up this morning, packed Emma's lunch, unloaded the dishwasher, basically did all my normal morning stuff. I started thinking about blogging and facebook, looking forward to going online like i do every morning after Chris and Emma leave for school. Then, it all came back to me. The hazy memory of last night's blogging, typing out my most shameful secret for everyone to read.

I felt like a rock had landed in my stomach! Was it too late to delete it? What would people think of me now? I know I have never met most of you, but I feel like you are my best friends. There are few people in my "real life" who understand me the way you do. When I am struggling, this blog is the first place I turn to. When I have success, I cant wait to share it with you all. And I love reading about your lives, sharing your ups and downs, hoping in some small way I can support you, the way you support me.

Please, please, I thought to myself as I logged on, dont let them hate me!

but the support and understanding you have all shown me has brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt so accepted. Even a few bloggers i don't know had nice things to say.

It's hard for me to even express in words how awful the whole DHS ordeal was. Every minute of every day I was burdened with feelings of shame and failure. My worker did her best to drill it into my head that I was not a capable parent. Even when things were going well and I reported progress to her, she accused me of "painting a rosy picture". I couldn't win for losing. And the worst part is, before that all happened, i thought I was a really good mom. I mean, there is not alot in my life that I am proud of. I have never completed college. I don't have a career, ect. But I was a good mom, and I knew it. From the beginning. I breastfed both my girls. I read to them before they were old enough to sit up, and were more interested in eating the book than listening to the story. I took them on stroller walks, playdates, the library, the park. I handmade haloween costumes and baked fabulous birthday cakes. Sure, once in awhile I had a bad day, and they spent a few hours in front of the tv while I read or just napped on the couch. Nobody is perfect. But I did feel that being a mom was the one thing I was good at, and it was the most important thing in my life.

Then I hit a rough patch, and all that changed.

Maybe some day I will write about everything that happened. All I want to say right now is this: I have never hurt my children, and never put them in danger. And I stand by that. My DHS case never should have happened, as was confirmed by the success of my appeal. But due to the court backlog, my appeal did not go to hearing until after my case was closed, so even though i won I had to endure a year and a half of hell.

Ok ok I am done blogging about this. I consider it officially closed. I just felt the need to further explain. And to thank you all for your wonderful support.