Friday, April 2, 2010

The Curious Case of the Missing Ativan

so yeasterday, Doc Sean gave me a presctiption for 7 ativan, or one per day for the week. Not 7 in one day, or 3 one day and 4 the next. One per day.

I tried so hard to be good.

But, 45 minutes after taking the first one, I was still anxious and basically felt no different. I told him I needed a stronger dose. So I decided to take another half of a pill. about 20 minutes after that, I was feeling a little better, so I decided that taking the other half wouldn't hurt. Two pills for the day, that's just one more than one. Not so bad, right? Ahh, sweet relief! I was golden for the rest of the night.

But today I am wondering, why is my memory last night so spotty. Like, full of holes. I just kind of remember bits and pieces of our evening, Chris and i (mostly Chris) babysitting our friends baby. Having dinner. I remember putting annie to bed and watching "fringe" with Chris. I don't know, I just feel so confused and hazy about the whole thing, which is not a feeling I like to have.

So just now I went to take an ativan and I noticed that there were only 4 left in the bottle. Which means that at some point last night I took a third ativan. Which I totally dont remember. I called Chris immediately and asked him if I was acting weird last night. Like, stumbling around and slurring my speech like I used to do when I was on Xanax. He said no, and if anything I just seemed happier and more relaxed than he had seen me for awhile. I told him about the phantom dosing and we talked about it and agreed that he should be the keeper of the benzos for now.

I admit, I feel just a little ashamed and embarassed that after only one day on ativan I was able to eff things up. So I am a little down on myself today. I don't know, maybe some of you reading this would say "hey, this is just a daily occurence for me". Or maybe you are horrified at my irresponsible drug taking and are ready to mount a cyber-intervention. Well, don't worry. i'm the first to admit that taking meds that you dont even know you are taking is a bad deal, and I am going to be totally honest with my doctor, also mentioning, of course, that this might not have happened if he had given me the higher dose that I wanted.

I just feel like a huge dumbass.


battleinmind said...

Good that you're going to be honest with your doctor, I always find it hard to control the amount I take. I stole my Dad's temazipan, not really knowing that much about it except it sent me to sleep and didn't look it up until I'd been taking it for three weeks, only to find it's highly addictive.
Love Battle xxx

Eating Alone said...

I have little pill box's with the day's of the week on it. If that day is empty I stop. Of course that was the only way I could remember. Yesterday I took double the amount of viatamines that I was supposed to.

Zena said...

I just got the privlegde of being the keeper of my benzos back...Its nothing to be ashamed of...I would take my "daily dose's" at once in the evening so I could "sleep"...apparently I did that one night forgot and took my second round of "daily dose's" not a good thing...i only realized because my i ran out of my pills 1 day before i should have when i had to call my pdoc and tell her i needed a new script a day early she was skeptical (im only given 2 weeks worth at a time) I had to confess to my self medicating and thus lost the priviledge of being the keeper of my shame happens to the best of us...good job on being honest!

bananas said...

You are not a dumbass. And Ativan will totally do that to you (make you forget). Like how I totally forgot that I told my boss my suicidal thoughts til HR was calling me and my emergency contact the next morning and putting me on medical leave! And I have NO clue how much I took, or if I drank with it. :\ Not really a good situation. Try not to be down on yourself for this. And good for you for being honest with everyone.

Telstaar said...

You know... the only thing that I want you to do is stop being sooo hard on yourself! Seriously. Like what happened wasn't great or ideal, that is clear and obvious... but you seem to hate yourself soooo very much and that makes me sad. I understand it on the one hand, I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling really similar... but hun, you don't need or deserve the beating you gave yourself!

I read the newer post... how did things turn out?? How are you??

Thinking of you lots and ltos xoxo