I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?
I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.
I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.
i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.
Unsolicited Advice
7 years ago
13 comments:
YOu are vowing to me and I WILL hold you accoutable!!!I hope you will come back and report your success???
I know that not feeling "thin" which you are by the way put you into a bit of a spot, but you have got to put your head on something else ...wrap your identity around being a great mother (which you are) or a wonderful wife, daughter any of the above would fit...I know it so MUCH easier said then done but I see so much power and strength with in you that i know you can do it.
NO you will not throw up the rest of your life, i ts not what gods plans for you are, you will however use symptoms til you find better and lest i say more effective coping skills to replace them, you can do this ((lisa)) and yes it may be one meal at a time but so what thats how I live...nothing wrong with it as long as it is temporary.
ps we are haveing pancakes for dinner too :)
Love, Z
ugh I am so ashamed of myself, I did NOT make it through the evening without throwing up dinner. Zena and everyone else I am so sorry its like a slap in the face to those of you who are trying hard and doing so well, guess I shouldn't make promises I can't keep :( Oh well tomorrow is a new day but somehow that doesn't make me feel any better.
Struggling like this is seriously no fun. It sounds like you understand the triggers - eating something you're uncomfortable with + being uncomfortable in your own skin. I don't know how people live without meal plans. I currently (as in the last few weeks) am trying the no meal plan thing for the first time in over two years. I have literally been dependent on aiming to follow a meal plan for over the last two years. It's the only thing that has been my saving grace. I clenched the meal plan and held it dear to me. Anytime I tried to vear from it, total chaotic eating ensued along with crazy obsessive, anxious thoughts. I think having weekly (not bi weekly) dietitian appointments is REALLY good idea! And having a structured meal plan will make a big difference for you. I've had to go to my dietitian before and say, "I need to go back to a more structured meal plan" and we've basically re-created a meal plan everytime I have said that. The actual meal plan makes a big difference too. It has to be full of foods that you actually can enjoy eating and, yet, it can't be too challenging. I remember you saying earlier that your plan you made with your dietitian was to have a shake for breakfast and a bar for lunch? That might be wrong. But, if so, maybe you're missing the "Satisfaction factor" of eating...
Anyway, I think it's of utmost importance that you make a good meal plan (enough variety so you can stick with it, foods you actually enjoy eating, foods you are comfortable with, lots of structure - meals that include time frames etc.) with your current dietitian and either find a new dietitian when you move or stay in weekly phone contact (sending her your food diaries over e-mail... I've done that lots before) with your current one if you really connect well with your current one.
For today, remember to think before you eat at dinner. How much will you eat? Pick an amount that will not leave you on the prowl for more food later but that will also result in as few guilty/anxious feelings as possible. Maybe even think about what you are going to do after you eat. After dinner what will happen. Then just try to talk positively to yourself, taking yourself through the eating and evening. You can do this.
Meal by meal. Think. Plan. Eat. Do something. Decompress. Meal by meal. That's how I've lived for a long time. It works though. If you stick to it, it will work and it will pay off.
Please do check back in.
um, my comment is too long and it won't post - so it's going to be a string of comments. Get ready! haha
Hey I just read your comment. I think we posted at the same time.
Are you hungry now? I don't really know how purging works... are you hungry again afterwards? I've never purged but - trust me - have wanted to several several times. We all have our own things...
Anyway, are you hungry now? If so, can you plan an evening snack to take the edge off your hunger for tomorrow?
Can you do something relaxing this evening? What do you need? Do you need to talk to Chris? Do you need to ask Chris to watch the girls for a bit? Do you need a shower? A funny movie? Time to journal and reflecT? Can you find a way to give yourself what you need tonight?
Most importantly, there is no shame in throwing up tonight. We have ALL been there - been in the position where we do something that we really don't want to do. WE vow to not do it again, but we do. We all know what that's like. No one here is judging you. WE all understand all too well. This is a human thing to do - not just an eating disordered thing to do. People have habits that they don't want to have and, yet, they continue doing things they don't want to do. You are not a failure or a weirdo. You are like all of us in that way.
Now, let's focus on tomorrow. You don't have a full out meal plan so can you make a meal plan for yourself tonight for you to follow tomorrow? I am no dietitian but I will share with you a couple of the meal plans I have had in the recent past and perhaps you can use it for tomorrow? Or adjust it so that it fits your tastes/comforts/needs. I have a lot of "with or withouts." AT times, it has been mandatory that I eat it "with." At other times it has been optional. It all always had to do with my comfort level. Okay, here are some ideas:
Breakfast (between 7am - 10am):
OPTION 1: 1 egg (or 1/2 cup egg beaters), 1 slice toast with or without a slice of cheese
OPTION 2: 1 packet of regular oatmeal with or without a piece of fruit
OPTION 3: 1 container yogurt with or without a piece of fruit
LUNCH (between 11:30 - 2pm)
OPTION 1: Turkey sandwich (2 slices of bread, 2 or 3 slices of turkey) with or without a slice of cheese, with or without a spoonful of LF mayo, with or without a slice of avocado with or without a piece of fruit.
OPTION 2: Half of the above
OPTION 3: Salad made with lettuce, 1 heaping spoonful of beans, 2 or 3 slices of turkey, 1 spoonful of dressing with or without a slice of bread on the side
OPTION 4: I won't bother with this one since it's heavy on the cottage cheese and I know how you feel about that :)
SNACK:
OPTION 1: a piece of fruit with or without a container of yogurt.
OPTION 2: a square of chocolate
DINNER (between 6 and 8pm)
OPTION 1: 1/2 cup - 1 cup rice topped with 1 cup stirfry that has protein (tofu, chicken, beef)
OPTION 2: 1 cup vegetarian or regular chili with 1 slice toast
OPTION 3: same as lunch salad
OPTION 4: 2 tacos
OPTION 5: same as lunch sandwich
OPTION 6: Veggie (or chicken or beef) burger with or without a cup of soup.
OPTION 7: a cup of soup and a salad with protein (so 2 - 3 slices of turkey on the salad).
EVENING SNACK (9:30PM or later) (this was my time to have an indulgence/sweet)
OPTION 1: a popscicle
OPTION 2: 1 slice bread with 1 spoonful Peanut Butter (you can also turn this into half a PB sandwich
OPTION 3: one packet of oatmeal
OPTION 4: frozen yogurt
Everyone might be thinking this is the weirdest comment ever to leave. But I'm just trying to help. When my food gets chaotic - the only thing that can pull me out is for me to start planning entire days at a time.
Today my food is off. It's 5pm and I've only eaten a little frozen yogurt - even though I packed lunch and breakfast and 2 snacks. So in order for me to not spiral into a bad place, I have to plan the rest of the evening for myself. I've decided I'm going to have a 6'' subway with cheese or guacamole for dinner (if I restrict like this all day and then eat a dinner without fat the dietitian will be so sad... and I love the dietitian so I don't want to make her salad. Plus, cheese and guacamole do taste good). And then I know I struggle with food when I work in the evenings (as showcased by my eating the crust off of every slice of bread last night when I got home from work). So I know I have to have a planned evening snack. I will assume that I'll have berries and a veggie patty or I'll have a slice of toast an an egg - (PTC's favorite haha) (I don't normally have that type of thing as an evening snack, but I haven't had enough real food today that that will probably be what I want).
Planning can save you - it can save me at least.
The other thing with your plan is that you have to think of it as MANDATORY. When you're in a place of really unstable eating, it's always worked best for me when I've made altering the meal plan or adjusting it a non-option. Following the meal plan becomes your first priority. You are not allowed to tweak it no matter what. Espeically on the first few days of getting yourself out of a bad place - b/c those few days end up being crucial every time.
okay, this is a long enough comment you're probably rolling your eyes at me by now. :)
Lots of good vibes coming your way, okay?
oh - I have a question - how much does Chris know about your eating disorder? Can you talk to him about it? Can you tell him when you're struggling and ask him to help? Can you tell him ahead of time when you know a challenging situation is coming?
okay, lots of love!
Have you given any thought to a program?? Sounds like you need that extra help, whether it be a day program or IP.
Wow N.I.N. what a comment! Very helpfull though! I think I need a food plan the the ones you posted as an example. But I need more flexibility, because of the kids, I cant eat the same thing every day. I think maybe I need an "exchange system", like for instance lunch would be 2 starches, 1 protien, 1 veg, you get what I'm saying? Then I could tailor it to what we are eating as a family.
I can talk to chris about when I'm struggling. The thing is, I am more likely to go tell him after I purged than before. He always knows when I purge anyway; when I go into the bathroom and run the water for like 5 mins after eating it's pretty obvious. He used to knock on the door and try to stop me when we were first married but that got ugly sometimes, now he just doesn't say anything. I feel really bad for him, it must be hard.
I'm just so tired of all this.
Thanks for the support:)
PTC- I'm always hoping there is a program out there that would help me but it would also have to be FREE as i have only medicare/medicaid and the program in Ia that takes those is the one at UIHC and no way would I ever go back to that hellhole I have been committed there 5x. Last year I went voluntarily and they STILL treated me like crap. i'm telling you they just don't get ED's. It's basically a psych-ward where they force feed you and there is no individual therapy whatsoever. Ok sorry about the rant :)
Also my ex said if I had to go into the hospital again he would seek custody of Emma.
I would go the the Center for Change again, that place was wonderful. But then there is still the problem of my ex, and also where would I get the money. Bottom line i have been hospitalised 21 times and am so tired of that life. I think that if IP was going to work for me it would have already. I have the tools, I just need to be using them, you know, doing the "hard work". But I am a little concerned that I wont be able to stop purging on my own.
Yeah I totally understand how you need a meal plan that works with a family. I'm sure something like that is possible. You seem to know your needs. Bring them up with your dietitian and see what the two of you can put together.
I don't judge you for having a hard time with dinner. (hug) They have a partial day program at the center now. Maybe that could be an option if you didn't want to go full inpt? Money sucks. I hate how insurance and personal finances dictate your worthiness for treatment. (grr!) Maybe they can work with you? I set up a payment plan with the center (which is more than New life would do aka sorry, if you don't have the money upfront, we won't help you.)
You CAN do this. Is there anyone you could talk to during/after meal times to help decompress? Remember thanksgiving at chris' sisters? I was feeling soooo bad and we went on a walk afterwards and talked? I wish I was there to help more.
When I lived alone my ED was insane. The social support was really the key for me. I mean, going from full inpt treatment at the center to home alone for me was literally going from 100% love,security, and support to nothing and expecting myself to just keep it up, alone.
You can do this. (hug) How often are you seeing a counselor? Are you going to any groups? Do they have any groups in your new area? What about social activites for YOU, not just Emma and Annie. For me, food was okay if people were there to support me along the way.
I know some people say that they are SO much happier without ED and everything is just GREAT! But for me, ED was such a huge part of my identity, and was so hard to let go of. Not just for the behaviors, but for my own identity. Even though I haven't been practicing any behaviors, I still feel that void. My ED won't help me get the high or emotional relief even if I started again. I need to move forward and find something new that makes me feel like I have a purpose and that I haven't faded into the background of life. I can completely relate to the feeling that "there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder." The other half of the battle for me is re-creating my life. I love you. (hug)
N.I.N,
WOWSER what a comment, i wish I had such valuable information to share,;0
(((Lisa)))
sweet heart, babe, precious, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! shit happens as I like to say...as for "feeling guilty about purging when others of us are doing so well"....let me share a little sercret with you...hush hush everyone close your eyes...I couldnt handle the pancakes either, you were not alone in the pancake purging...SO do you think I am a failure, I am betting not, why cause I have been working hard to beat the Ed demon and you know what so are you, give yourself the same respect that you would give anyonf of us, you had a slip, it happens, now what can you do to try to make sure you can make it through your next MEAL, yes just one meal without purging, did you make yourself a MP, like N.i.N, said to do, and if not could you do it NOW!!!
I would also like to say I am not adversed to the idea of try ng a php program, I know there are none that you would go to in your area NOW, but what about where you are moving to..maybe something to look into, just a thought.
I want you to know that NO ONE here is judging you, that we all struggle, and that whil ethese blogs are filled with girls who struggle one day we will all be recovered and instead of helping each other get through the next purge free moment we will telling ur Recovery stories, hopefully inspiring some youth who are struggling to step up to the plate( like you are) and fight.
Much love to you sweets...we can fight this demon together, just have some faith K??
Love, Z
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