Monday, July 13, 2009

doing better

Well after a morning of listening to my kids (and ED) whine at me I was about ready to shoot myself in the head but of course I did not. Instead I called around until I found someone with kids who would want to meet me and my girls at a park. So I met up with my friend K at this one school's playground. It was an awesome playground; one of those big wooden ones with turrets and tire swings and secret passages. And K clued me in to the fact that the school system is serving free lunches there for the summer (for kids only) so we stayed and had lunch. Then K was taking her kids swimming, and Emma begged and begged, so even though I hate to swim I caved and we went to the pool. But to my suprise it turned out to be a lot of fun! It wasn't too crowded and the water was nice and warm (one of my big complaints about swimming is that I'm always cold). I took Annie down the water slide over and over and she giggled and laughed the whole time. And Emma found some friends from school so she had plenty of playmates.

Several times i just sat at the edge of the pool and this feeling of well-being and happiness come over me and I was so greatful that the day had turned around. It just goes to show me that if I put myself out there I have the ability to improve my situation for myself and the girls. I just have to make it happen

I was tempted to restrict because the lunches were just for the girls and I told myself it would be a good time to skip lunch. But I ended up grabbing a boost when we stopped home for our swimsuits. So that was ok.
Being in a swimsuit is reallly triggering for me right now. I bought the suit before I gained this weight, and it fits me differently now. I'm paranoid that it doesn't cover my massive booty and my cheeks are hanging out! And I'm constantly comparing myself to other women at the pool. It's hard. i keep telling myself that I will be happier and things will be better if I lose the weight that I gained, but I know that isn't true. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I'm a 30-year old who is just now learning how to live.


Keely said...

Yay! I'm glad you stepped out there and had a good time swimming. I am so proud of you for grabbing something for lunch instead of restricting. :) I think you look hot in your swimsuit. For reals. (hug) "you're one fine lookin' lady!" he he!

Zena said...

YIPPIE!!! for feeling better and for telling Ed to screw off, and really I agree with Keely, you are a hottie!!!

Love, Z said...

Hey, Lisa!

I'm caught up on your blog now. What a great day you had yesterday! Way for taking an active role in your life, reaching out, putting yourself out there, participating in life, and making your day so much better! Seriously!!! Next time I'm in a funk, I'm going to remember this blog entry and it'll motivate me to do the same thing you did.

Also, I know you know - but I totally understand the difficult body moments that you have sometimes. I'm trying to just live outwardly - with my energy going outwards - towards life, towards fun, towards others so that I can avoid getting caught up in negative body thoughts. Maybe you can join me in this effort to live outwardly? And, I've seen pictures - YOU ARE A VERY SLIM PERSON. I know you don't feel it, but take my word for it. Nothing is wrong with your weight. Just keep living life! You deserve a fulfilled life! Life is more fun that way. And other people like you better when you're not down about your weight too :) (This is all stuff I'm saying to myself too). said...

I wanted to add that I do think you live outwardly. I didn't mean to sound like I think you live "inwardly" when I suggested you join me in the effort to live outwardly. On the contrary, you are someone who inspires me to live outwardly!

Lisa said...

I'm glad you made the effort to call around and get out instead of letting the ED lock you inside.

And swimsuits are horrible for all women, but ESPECIALLY so for anyone with even a hint of a disorder. I hope you're doing okay.