Thursday, July 23, 2009

recommitted

ok, time to get back on the recovery train. Choo Choo! I have been thinking about losing weight lately, which has led to more purging because I was no longer willing to let myself eat what I needed, which has led to more bingeing and purging. Yesterday I restricted all day, which only made me feel weak and stressed out while I was trying to pack. Plus, I almost cancelled my dietitian appointment today because i didn't want to face the decision of whether or not to weigh myself. And I felt like, whats the use anyway, since I have decided to give up on recovery and lose weight?

SO, I did go to the dietitcian, and I DID weigh myself, and found I have gained 2 pounds since 3 weeks ago. But you know what, My weight still wasn't as high as I thought it was. So I was sitting there telling my D all my thoughts that I just wrote here above, and she reminded me that I am going through a stressful time and I was just trying to get some control back by trying to lose weight. She thought i would benefit from some excercise, which I havent been doing lately. And she reminded me that as long as I was purging my weight wouldn,t stabalize, which i already knew.

So since I have left my appointment I have been doing some thinking. I have decided to recommit to recovery. I have not been happy since I have been thinking about losing weight (nor have I lost any weight, so what's the freaking point?). All I have accomplished is increased purging and decreased satisfaction with my body. Plus, I need to be strong and healthy for the move. And lets face it, restricting is just deppressing. All I do when I am restricting is think about food and what I can or can't eat and when I am going to eat next and so on. We are havving sloppy joes tonight and I had been planning to eat only a quarter cup of the meat and no bun and no chips. Or, eat what I wanted but then I would purge. That's no way to live! Why not just give myself permission to eat, like everyone else does!?

So, I am getting back on the horse. No, I do not like my weight. but it will stabalize if I quit messing with it. I am going to eat reasonable portions tonight and not purge. If I feel full, or fat, or guilty, or like freaking out, that will just have to be ok. Because I recognise that If I keep doing what I have been doing, I will just be in the same place I was 5 months ago, starting all over again. Year after year, as has been the pattern the last 14 years.

The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.

I am just going to tell myself the samr thing that I would tell any of you if you were struggling. That there is going to be some discomfort. That it will not be fun. But the rewards are long term. It will be worth it.

6 comments:

lisalisa said...

Wow- I just had the worst experience! Feeling enregized by my renewed committment to recovery, I decided to go out for a run. I forgot that i was coming off 2 days of restricting and purging, and it was noon and i hadn't yet had a decent meal. So, I started running along, and everything was going great, and i was feeling good. Then about halfway I started to get tired and sore so i just began walking. then I started to get really weak, I mean WEAK, shaky, dizzy, like I was going to pass out. If you have ever passed out from malnutrition/dehydration you never forget the feeling! Well, that's what i felt like. And here I was almost a mile from home with no cell phone! Well, I found a bench and sat down and put my head down between my knees- who knows what I looked like to the passing traffic!. After a little bit I decided I had to try to head for home because I didn't really have a choice. So I walked, one foot infront of the other, feeling dizzy and weak and delirious and scared, all the way home. Oddly i forgot to pray. I think I was just focusing on getting home and not passing out. So I made it home and drank some juice right away to get my blood sugar up and am now having lunch.
I guess i need to have a day or two or three of healthy balanced eating and no opurging before I start excercising again. It hadn't dawned on me that just because I was mentally ready to restart the healthy lifestyle, my body was still suffering from the recent abuse.
This has all served to remind me how much I want to be healthy. How maany times have I excercised on an empty stomach, weak and tired? Or prayed to get through a workout with out passing out? It sucks! And its just not worth it.
I'm excited to be healthy and to start feeling better!

Kara said...

I really needed to read this post today about recommitting to recovery. I am soooooooo glad that you made it home safely after your run. You are right that your body needs some steady fuel before you can exercise.

now.is.now said...

oh, I know that shaky/weak/dizzy/going-to-faint feeling. It's scary! I'm glad you attached the feeling to your restriction/purging, though. And I'm glad you were able to make it home safely.

I really liked this post. This is how I have felt recently. It's like - well, the restriction isn't even causing weight less. Well, I'm not loving life due to focusing on restriction. It's almost like you realize there's just really no other choice except for to commit.

And I think talking to yourself the way you would talk to us is exactly the best thing to do. We should all be doing that.

And, yup, the only way out is through. Totally sucks. But it's true.

How are you doing after lunch?

Zena said...

okay i am going to lecture you before I say I love you and am glad you are safe...okay okay..i had to say I am glad you are safe and gosh I am relieved you are of the "I need to lose wieght' kick... okay I dont have much to say except...

1) NEVER do you hear me NEVER run with out your cellphone, you could be mugged or raped or something really aweful....like harrassed to buy magizines:)

2) NEVER EVER RUN without eating...EVER ..It can make you pass out in dangerous places, like under trolls bridges or under the leprachon looking for gold....seriously things like that happen...no joke!!

3) and lastly but not leastly...DONT FORGET TO PRAY..cause sometimes whether we like it or not ...HE has all the control...he could have said...hey wander into the street and get hit by a bus..but he didnt..he saved you...so he desereves some thanks...in fact WE should ALL thank him for saving you cause what you did was bad..very very bad...dont ever do it again you here me...or I will have to talk to the big guy himself..and you dont want that cause I think hes pissed at me...like for reals..havent been yo church in 4 weeks..Im definately on the out s list


okay start..over...and my friend

TRUST THE PROCESS!!!

love, Z

burpandslurp said...

All the best wishes to you! I'm so glad you've decide to make the right choice to fight on! Choo choo, I hope the train runs on forever until it reaches its destination! FIGHT ON!

Cammy said...

You have a lot to be proud of, my friend. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight, it is the best possible gift you can give to your loved ones, and most importantly, yourself.