Oh holy crap. Things are not going well at all. I love Emma dearly and am so glad she is home but I have forgotten what a handful she can be. And with no school for her it is just nonstop craziness around here. The girls fight almost constantly. When they are not fighting they are running around the house being wild and crazy. Excuse me, not house, but apartment. As in small apartment.
My nerves are shot. I think I have lost all my marbles. We had to go to Wal-Mart today, and I was the mom yelling at her kids in the middle of the store. In Wal-Mart. So sad.
I have been trying to get the girls outside to run off some of their energy. Yesterday I took then frog catching and berry picking, but they just whined and complained about the bugs and weeds the whole time. You would have thought it was the Battan Death March or something. But we did get enough berries for a pie, and I let the girls help me make the crust, and when I was done there was leftover dough that I let Annie just play with with the rolling pin. She was so cute rolling out her own piece of dough. And I took the girls to story time at the library yesterday and that went well. So I guess there are times when things aren't so bad and crazy.
Being a good parent is extra challenging for me because I just don't have the temperament for it. I was not given the gifts of patience, longsuffering, ect. My "distress tolerance" skills are seriously lacking. Every day I feel like I am on a big scary rollercoaster or having a ten hour panic attack. Some of my sisters-in-law have like 4 kids and babysit other kids on top of it and seem to be doing just fine. I will never be that woman. What comes naturally for some women, I have to work extra hard for.
One thing I am blessed with is an abundance of love for my children. I think this is the only thing keeping me going. My love for the girls is what makes me slow down often throughout the day to pray for patience to get through just one more shopping trip, mealtime, or playdate. It's what helps me sit down and read to the girls when what I really want to do is get on facebook. It's why I got out of bed this morning and made pancakes, instead of sleeping in (but i did go back to bed, though).
My recovery is not going so well lately. Perhaps in response to the stress, I have been purging quite a bit. I have been maintaining my weight though, but not really on purpose. At the store today I was so stressed out I bought a box of jujy fruits. Was it a healthy choice? No. Will I eat the whole box today? Probably.
I do have something to look forward to tommorrow, though. Tomorrow I am taking Annie to my mother in law's and Emma and I are going to spend the whole day together a Backbone park. Swimming, hiking, cave exploring, picnicking, just the two of us. I think she really needs some alone time with me. And the weather is supposed to be nice.
Sorry this post has been so negative. Please, nobody point out the obvious fact that I was waiting so long for Emma to come back and now I am complaining about her. And please, no comments about what a bad, ungreatful mom I am. I already feel it. Great, now I'm almost crying. I feel so ashamed! If you pray, please pray for me that I might rise to the many challenges of being a parent, and be worthy of these precious little ones that God has given me. Love you all.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago