Wednesday, July 8, 2009

discouragement

Oh holy crap. Things are not going well at all. I love Emma dearly and am so glad she is home but I have forgotten what a handful she can be. And with no school for her it is just nonstop craziness around here. The girls fight almost constantly. When they are not fighting they are running around the house being wild and crazy. Excuse me, not house, but apartment. As in small apartment.
My nerves are shot. I think I have lost all my marbles. We had to go to Wal-Mart today, and I was the mom yelling at her kids in the middle of the store. In Wal-Mart. So sad.
I have been trying to get the girls outside to run off some of their energy. Yesterday I took then frog catching and berry picking, but they just whined and complained about the bugs and weeds the whole time. You would have thought it was the Battan Death March or something. But we did get enough berries for a pie, and I let the girls help me make the crust, and when I was done there was leftover dough that I let Annie just play with with the rolling pin. She was so cute rolling out her own piece of dough. And I took the girls to story time at the library yesterday and that went well. So I guess there are times when things aren't so bad and crazy.

Being a good parent is extra challenging for me because I just don't have the temperament for it. I was not given the gifts of patience, longsuffering, ect. My "distress tolerance" skills are seriously lacking. Every day I feel like I am on a big scary rollercoaster or having a ten hour panic attack. Some of my sisters-in-law have like 4 kids and babysit other kids on top of it and seem to be doing just fine. I will never be that woman. What comes naturally for some women, I have to work extra hard for.

One thing I am blessed with is an abundance of love for my children. I think this is the only thing keeping me going. My love for the girls is what makes me slow down often throughout the day to pray for patience to get through just one more shopping trip, mealtime, or playdate. It's what helps me sit down and read to the girls when what I really want to do is get on facebook. It's why I got out of bed this morning and made pancakes, instead of sleeping in (but i did go back to bed, though).

My recovery is not going so well lately. Perhaps in response to the stress, I have been purging quite a bit. I have been maintaining my weight though, but not really on purpose. At the store today I was so stressed out I bought a box of jujy fruits. Was it a healthy choice? No. Will I eat the whole box today? Probably.

I do have something to look forward to tommorrow, though. Tomorrow I am taking Annie to my mother in law's and Emma and I are going to spend the whole day together a Backbone park. Swimming, hiking, cave exploring, picnicking, just the two of us. I think she really needs some alone time with me. And the weather is supposed to be nice.

Sorry this post has been so negative. Please, nobody point out the obvious fact that I was waiting so long for Emma to come back and now I am complaining about her. And please, no comments about what a bad, ungreatful mom I am. I already feel it. Great, now I'm almost crying. I feel so ashamed! If you pray, please pray for me that I might rise to the many challenges of being a parent, and be worthy of these precious little ones that God has given me. Love you all.

7 comments:

Zena said...

Oh darling I feel your fustration, i could have written this post a few weeks back, hell I could have written it today, I could write it every day, Kids are very challangeing and can make even the most patient women ( a saint if you will) lose her marbels, I have to take teh kids to wal mart today to get a few things and a prescriptionand I am already not only dreading the trip but the time I will have to wait for the script. You are by far a bad mother and you by far deserve the negative self talk to are enduring on your poor self, you deserve soem encouragement and to know that the patience you have to work so hard for will one day pay off, you are a great mom just for loving your kids enough to work at it. ITs a JOB!!! never forget that , it has its ups and downs like any other, its fustrations and joys...your just going through a little slump and not to mention a major readjustment, you had one child for a whole month and now you have two...major difference. Hold tight dear one this to shall pass.

Love, Z

PTC said...

I'm guessing that it is the stress that's making you "throw" more these days. Try to think of some other ways to deal with it. Punch something, a pillow or something.

You're not a bad mom.

lisalisa said...

thank you so much for the encouragement! When my husband came home today he found the girls screaming at eachother and me crying silently in a corner of the kitchen- poor guy! I took a long walk and decided what we need right at this moment is something to look forward to, so i caame back and went online and booked a reservation at the Wasserbahn, a hotel and indoor waterpark in the Amana Colonies. i guess that when the going gets tough, the tough spend money(they don't have). But actually we were supposed to go camping this weekend but it is going to rain, and i couldnt bear the thought of staying in all weekend with the kids going nuts. i am determined to have fun this weekend, and fun we will have!

Zena said...

way to turn things around sweet pea..you sound like you took the Zena way out(spending money you dont have) lol..its fun isnt it...going into debt:)

Love, Z

Keely said...

I have never thought you were a bad, ungrateful mom! Ever. I think that's just exhaustion talking. Having kids is rough. I don't have any, but I am pulling my hair out after just a few hours of babysitting my niece. Kids are wild with all that energy and curiosity and they don't think twice before running through the halls or jumping on the couch (or getting into movies, playing in the dogs waterbowl, eating the plants, flicking plant dirt everywhere...) You are doing the best you can- which is ENOUGH!!! You are not a bad mom. Taking your kids frog and berry picking? Story time at the library? Reading to them at night? When I was a kid, my mom said "go outside and play" and that was it. You are a great mom! Having kids is like 2 full time jobs- and that's with just one! I don't blame you for the symptoms going along with all this stress. I think the getaway sounds great! Some time off to replenish sounds like just what you need. :)

Kara said...

You are worried about being an ungrateful mom, but when I was reading your post the thing I kept thinking in my head was "Wow, Lisa is a great mom." Seriously.

Entertaining and managing and care of kids 24/7 sounds like an impossibly tough job. I had a job where I had to entertain kids for 9 hours a day and it was TOUGH, I was at my wits end-- but I had a lot help and it wasn't 24/7. You are doing a GREAT job, despite all your trials.

I love you, pray for you, and think about you lots. (You were actually in my dream last night - but I don't remember the context.)

now.is.now said...

LISA, YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST MOMS EVER. You love your kids so much and they know it. I think being a mom has got to be the hardest job in the world. I couldn't do it! YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN!!!!!

I bet you every mom in the world feels the way you sometimes feel. It is HARD WORK!!!

I'm glad you booked a get away. Hopefully that'll be relaxing and nice.