Saturday, July 25, 2009

"body Image nightmare" or "the walk of shame"

ok, so, last night i was experiencing some MAJOR anxiety post-dinner, so I decided to go for a walk before I ended up doing anything I would regret (ahempurgeahem). I started out for my walk and pretty soon noticed that there was something downright disturbing going on. That is, my stomach was sticking out so far that it seemed to be going on ahead of me. Like, as if to announce the arrival of the fatass behind it. I know, I know, you are all rolling your eyes, but i'm serious! I mean if I were to walk into a wall, my stomach would hit the wall a full two seconds before the rest of me did. As in, I look pregnant! Grrr!

And then it got worse! As I walked, the wind started to blow against me, flattening my t-shirt against my stomach and outlining every roll and pooch for all to behold! It was the worst! I had to cut my walk short because I couldn't handle it. I was so embarassed and ashamed.

I came home with new determination to lose weight, but two hours later i somehow found myself on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Which is ok i guess considering my last post about how I'm not going to focus on losing this weight Iv'e gained and so on. And I suppose, as awful as it was, it was probably progress that I was able to feel those feelings last night and resist the urge to throw it all up.

I know that, according to the number on the scale, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat? Or does the height/weight chart simply apply to everyone else but me?

i'm waiting for the recovery fairy to come along and wave a magic wand over my head and say "love yourself" and poof! I will have good body image. But it doesn't seem to be happening. I guess for now i will have to find something else about myself to love besides my looks. Scary.

4 comments: said...

Hey you wise, kind girl!

Sometimes stomachs do stick out - very, very far - but it's not fat. It's post-meal bloatedness. And it doesn't happen after every meal. It's actually more likely to happen if you have been restricting (or get overly hungry or just haven't eaten that much or haven't eaten in a while) and then you eat something. Sometimes there's no obvious cause for it and it just happens. It happens to me quite frequently actually in the evening. AFter dinner, my stomach will stick so so far out sometimes. It's just air. Just bloat. It goes away. It's freaky but it's temporary and not fat. Try not to judge your "fatness" ---well, at all, but if you're going to judge it...---try not to judge it by your stomach. Stomachs can change shape so easily (water, food, dehydration, overly hungry can all cause stomaches to be bigger for a bit).

Now besides that little "biology" lesson..

THAT IS HUGE THAT YOU DIDN'T PURGE! HUGE!!!!Are you throwing yourself a party in your head?! ARe there lots of little acrobatic dancers and high energy cheerleaders doing a little jig for you? A parade perhaps? Because that is AWESOME!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you I might just do a happy dance myself. Okay hang on...... okay I literally just got up and did a happy dance for you.

Last thing - I'm sorry but I laughed when I read "I know that, according to the number on the sclae, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat?" I laughed only because I have TOTALLY thought the exact same thing before! Like, "If that person is overweight and I'm not then how come I'm fatter than that person?" It must just be that we judge ourselves more harshly (and see ourselves incorrectly). When it comes to deciding if you are fat or not, don't let your brain weigh (no pun intended) in on the situation because your brain is not qualified for this.

Keep going - you're clearly putting in effort (going on a walk instead of giving in!)! KEEP GOING! YOU're doing great and you're amazing.

Cammy said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I have separate groups of shirts I can wear on morning walks (pre-breakfast) and afternoon walks (post-lunch) because I am ultra paranoid about my beachball stomach. And I determine my route by which way the wind is blowing on some days, choosing to walk against it on low-traffic streets so no one will see me. This post really hit home.

But, remember that 1) You are certainly way more aware of your stomach than anyone else, 2) bloat doesn't equal fat, and 3) sometimes if your stomach looks sticky outy it's just to contrast with the rest of your body, if you're too thin then a full stomach will look bigger in a relative sense. I have read that during weight restoration it takes time to rebuild your inner abs, which act to control holding the tummy in when it's full.

Hang in there. And it is TERRIFIC that you decided to take a walk to remove yourself from the temptation of purging. I'm sorry that you still had anxiety, but at least you avoided the purging, that's something to be really proud of.

Also, good luck with your upcoming move! I've been stressed about mine, but I can't imagine doing it with kids! Hang in there, take care and treat yourself kindly.

Lisa said...

My stomach is by far the most anxiety-inducing part of me. I find that if I can't go for a walk (raining, zombies, etc) I pop a Gas-X and lie on my stomach for 10 minutes or so. Either it really works or I just think it does.

And I second Cammy, kudos for walking it off.

PTC said...

I am glad you resisted the urge to do anything bad. That's a great thing. I know you were imagining this huge stomach, but it wasn't really there.