4th of july

 Ok here are some overdue pictures from the 4th of July. We went to Living History Farms in Des Moines. It's this old fashioned village with with people dressed in period costumes demonstrating what life was like in the 1800's. There were lots of hands-on activities for kids, and since it was the 4th of july there were additional games and fun things to do. It was a really fun day and I also thought that it was an educational and appropriate thing to do for the holiday.

Here is Emma in the blacksmith's shop hammering a red hot steel rod. Yeah, I thought it was a bit dangerous, but they seemed to know what they were doing.

 Here is Annie working the bellows. You cant see the bellow because it is really huge and is hanging from the ceilling. The air from the bellows blew into a pipe the went down to where the fire was.

 Here is the one room schoolhouse. Do you see those kids sitting at the front? Well, MY girls were sitting there, but they got up for a second and these kids took their spots. Grrrrrr. In case I haven't mentioned it, other people's kids get on my nerves.

 Annie trying out some stilts. I tried them too and they are ALOT harder than they look.

 Chris letting one go in a watermelon seed spitting contest. He got 19 feet.

 I gave it a shot but I only got about 3 feet. It was kind of pathetic.

 Even the girls got about 9 feet each!

 Potato sack race. MUCH harder than it looks.

 Pie eating contest (Emma and Annie are on the left). I thought about participating but I wanted it to be a fair competition hehe.

 Emma got second place. See the look on her face? Yeah, it took her awhile to recover.

 Annie going for the gusto. When she realized that she didnt get a ribbon she was sad, but this really nice guy who had third place gave her his ribbon. Isn't that nice?

BEST. PHARMACY. EVER. Too bad I didn't have a prescription.

 These pigs were cute but they smelled SO bad. I thought I was going to vomit.

The girls playing with old fashioned hoops, and an annoying kid who kept getting in my pictures.

The girls are playing "penny scramble", which involveds tossing some pennies into a pile of hay and having the kids try to find them. They loved it so much I am thinking of buying a bale of hay.



Emma is scraping a bison hide at the indian farm.

Well that is about it. We had a pretty good day and also watched some fireworks and did sparklers that night. The fourth of July has not been my favorite holiday because I have a very bad memories associated with it, but I am healing from that and have found that actually going out and celebrating the holiday and making new memories (instead of sitting around and pretending the 4th didnt exist) has actually helped to put it behind me.

Well I still have more to update on but this is going to be it for now.

XOLisa 

gingerbread house, and a few words about fudge

finally got to upload pictures of our gingerbread house. So, without further ado...

Yes, yes, I know. It's lovely.



Ok, so I made fudge for the first time this year. the other day I made white chocolate peppermint fudge, and today I made plain and rocky road. I finally get why fudge has such a bad rap. I looked at this recipie and was like "ok, there are 2 bags of chocolate chips, and a can of marshmallow fluff. So why does it need FOUR CUPS of sugar again?". Wow.

It's good stuff, though. And I really firmly believe that there is no "bad" food. I actually have not been eating too many of the sweets. All the dental work I have been getting done has made my mouth super sensitive.

Well thats about it

big huge update with picures and everything

So I was sitting down the other day to write a post about my Thanksgiving and stuff and my computer crapped out. I guess it had some gnarly virus. I just got it back from Geek Squad today ($160). Awesome.
So anyways, here is an update on my life. I guess I will start with Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in years that I not only didn't have any eating disorder behaviors, but it wasn't even a struggle. There have been a few Thanksgivings that I didn't purge, but I always got really upset and anxious about the food. Not this year though. I ate, well, normally. It was really nice to just eat and visit and not be off in ED lala land in my head.
I still get uncomfortable about some things, though. I feel weird if I have to go to the bathroom shortly after eating because I wonder if people think I am purging. But I have decided that people can think what they want. I gotta pee, you know?

Speak of bathroom matters, I ran into a bit of a bind last week (bind haha). I didn't take my miralax regularly while I was out of town, and that combined with all the food cause me some problems. I ended up in the urgent care last night feeling really sick and after examining me and poking on my tummy the doctor concluded that I was really constipated. She told me to go drink a bottle of magnisium citrate to get cleaned out. I nearly broke into tears. The thought of taking the mag citrate terrified me. With my hypochondriasis, I know that drinking a bottle of that stuff could result in cramping, weakness, shakiness, ect, which in turn might make me panic and think I was in heart failure/having a stroke/bleeding internally/whatever. I was worried I would be up all night freaking out, or worse, in the ER feeling irritating the doctors and feeling stupid. I just didnt want to go through all that. The doctor told me that mag citrate was totally safe. I mean, they give it to children, the elderly, people with all kinds of medical problems. And I know she wouldnt tell me to take it if it could hurt me. Doctors dont want to get sued, right? I just feel so tired of this.
SO I went to the pharmacy, where I interrigated the pharmacist for about a half hour (fortunately she wasn't busy). I didnt even try to act normal. I asked her "what if I have an intestinal blockage? Would this stuff kill me then? NO I dont have a blockage but what if I did and didn't know it? What if I were bleeding internally? Well, could this CAUSE me to bleed internally?" and so on and so forth. I pretty much covered all my bases.
In the end I came home and drank the stuff and spent all night crapping my guts out and didn't panic and nothing bad happened. So all of that was over nothing. Just think of what I could accomplish if I didn't make up all this trouble for myself. Geez....

Anyways, with everything cleared out, my stomach looked pretty flat this morning. It was scary how much I liked that feeling. The feeling of my body clearing out, my stomach flat and empty. It only lasted for a few minutes, though. Then I was like "hey, wake up, kid! How do you think your intestines got so messed up anyways?". Seriously, I haven't abused laxatives in nearly ten years, and my body still hasnt recovered. No way am I going to start down that road again.

Oh, and when I finally did get to sleep last night, Annie woke up with the croup. I hate the croup. It sounds like your child can't breathe. It's scary. I took her to the doctor today and he gave her a shot of steroids to help open up her airways. SO I am praying tonight goes ok.

There is STILL no snow here! Boo! But I put up my Christmas stuff and am trying to get in the spirit. See below, a sideways photo of my tree....
And here are the stockings. We don't have a mantle to hang them on but the bookcase works.
This picture didn't turn out that great but I put together this garland with lights and (fake) cranberries and it is really pretty.

Oh and our table centerpiece. Believe it or not, I went from Hobby Lobby to salvation army to Target to Walmart back to Hobby Lobby to figure this thing out. My three criteria were: it had to be cheap, it had to match our decor, and it had to incorperate fruit. SO, the cloth thingy is a placemat from Walmart ($2), the dish was $7 at Walmart, ant the picks were about $1.75 total. Plus the fresh fruit. I think it worked out well.

See, how could I ever have a job or go to school? It would leave me no time to drive all over town obsessing over fruity centerpieces.

Here is a lovely picture of my husband cutting the cheese.

Annie, helping my mom cook.

Awww crap, I posted the fuzzy one.....

Here is a dance party I had with the girls a few Sundays ago, a result of Sunday afternoon boredom. We got dressed up in our funkiest stuff (yes, I am wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie over a tanktop) and busted a move. I decided what we need is a rotating color-light disco ball, so I am getting the girls one for Christmas.

I introduced them to the "GO" soundtrack, well, parts off it. It made me feel kind of old.
Emma, fast asleep.... ....and little Annie bug.

And here they are playing covered wagon with their bunk beds.

This is my blog! If you want to read it, you have to see pictures of my kids!

Just kidding......kind of.....

Sorry I have sucked at commenting (out of town, broke computer). I will try to get back on track.

XOLisa

just a short update

I am ok. This weekend I was dealing with family/marital issues which sucked. But we got through it.

I took Emma on a mother/daughter overnight camp on Friday and we had SO MUCH FUN! I will do a post on that, with pictures, hopefully soon.

I have been really struggling with the health anxiety lately. Monday night I was up late, convinced I had a brain tumor and/or some heart problem that I cant remember how to spell. I was crying and scared and at times I felt like I was really losing it. My poor husband stayed up late with me until I finally calmed down and could sleep. He is being more understanding about this lately. I think he realizes now that it really is "real" in my head and has been more sympathetic.

My body image is in the crapper right now. When I am depressed I lose my appetite, and when I am anxious I tend to overeat. So guess which one is going on right now? Fortunately I don't have a scale, but all my clothes are tight. Even my skin feels tight. And it doesn't help that it is the week before my period. Oh well. I'm sure I will fall into a depression soon and it will all even out. How's that for positive thinking?

Well I will leave you with this lovely photo. If you were driving down south 5th street or Duff avenue last Wed afternoon, you might have seen Annie and I squatting at the edge of this puddle behind the bowling alley, nets in hand, staring at the muddy water, and wondered what the hell we were doing. We were waiting for the frogs to pop back up. I discovered that there were a bunch of frogs living here earlier in the day when I was walking to the bank. And if I see a frog, I just cant leave it alone. It's a sickness or something. So we got our nets and went over there. After about 45 minuted we came home covered with mud, but successful. We got 2 frogs. We just played with them and showed them to our neighbors/landlord/anyone who was outside. That night I was just going to let them go in our back yard, but the girls got upset and worried that they would get eaten by a snake or something. So I drove the frogs (in my pajamas) back home to their puddle and let them go.

Anyways, I had alot of fun catching those frogs because I like to find animals and nature where you wouldn't expect it, like the parking lot behind the bowling alley.

Well thats about it. Have a nice day and thanks for reading!

apple orchard

Well here it is 10:15 in the AM and I am just sitting around in my pajamas eating gumdrops. Not really an epic start to my day. I have been doing pretty ok this week with the health related anxiety, so that is good. But I have been kind of cranky all week. I am tapering off the Pristiq and have been having some gnarly withdrawl going on, but despite this I have actually been getting alot done lately. Monday I took my girls to an orchard to pick apples. I have been making dinner every night. Yesterday I took Annie to the library, took my girls to Reiman Gardens, made a huge batch of meatballs, and did 3 loads of laundry! I don't even recognise myself ;).

I finally got an appointment with the psychiatrist I wanted but it is not until Nov 19th! Grrr...
It's ok though, I still have Dr. Sean in the meantime.

Well thats about it. Here are some pictures from the orchard. Please kindly ignore the fact that I look like an old lady and focus on the cuteness of my girls......

It was like 75 degrees that day; very warm for oct in iowa.

My cuties.....

Most of the apples were too high to reach so we had to use an apple picker.

I couldn't figure out how to get this picture rotated. Anyways, that is an apple cider slushy she is drinking! I have never seen one before, and it was really good! It is 100% apple cider that they just put in a slushy maker.

Annie picking an apple she could reach!

It was a pretty fun time. I made a little apple sauce to go with dinner that night, but I left most of the apples for eating. They were just too good to turn into sauce!

Well that's about it. Have a nice day!!!!

today is not my favorite day....

Ames (city I live in) has flooded and their is several feet of nasty brown water in our apartment. Also, my lovely car is at the shop, which is flooded. So I am assuming it is toast. So we are stuck with Chris's piece of crap car and a few clothes in a suitcase.

I don't know how long it will be before we can go back to live there. Fortunately we have some friends we are staying with and the animals are ok and I was able to get the girls some clothes from the goodwill. But our suck-ass renters insurance doesnt cover flooding so I'm not sure about what we are going to do about the rest of it.

We just went back to school shopping and packed all the things into my girls' backpacks yesterday. I keep thinking about those school supplies. I can't remember where I put them; if the backpacks are hanging up or not. But then I realized, where will we even be living when school starts next week? How am I going to slove all these problems? One at a time, I guess.

We have alot of support from Chris' church, and I know we will be ok. It just might be hairy for a bit.

Thank you so much Zena (the struggle within) for your kind words. It really means alot that you are thinking of me even with all you are going through.

I have to go but I will post later.

camping

Finall, I have the energy for another post! Can you believe I am still recovering from the camping trip? Seriously, I am getting so old...

Here's the girls on their floaties. We swam for hours (well, they did anyway)!
Emma is my Sneaky Sea Monster!
Here they are roasting marshmallows....

Here is my perfect s'more!

Here is this dumbass turtle we caught. Actually, I caught it several times. I kept letting it go and it kept coming back for more!

We also caught two crawdads, ten toads, and dozens of minnows. Harassing the wildlife was the main form of entertainment (other than swimming). We also caught fireflys and kept them in a bugcatcher in our tent at night but they wouldn't light up, lazy things!

We had a beautiful moon!

The girls, waiting for mom to get up.

And this is me on the last morning. Scarier than anything you'll find in those woods!

p.s. blogger's being stupid so if you want to leave a comment you have to scroll way down.

hello

squirrel junk

Yesterday a squirrel climbed up the screen on our sliding back door. I think he was after the birdfeeder on the balcony above. He didn't seem to be bothered that Chris and Annie and I were all right there watching him.

I commented on how funny the squirrel was and Chris said "yeah, you can see his junk!". And Annie was like "what junk?" and I said "nothing, nothing" and gave Chris the evil eye. Chris was right, though. You cant tell from these pictures, but this squirrel had some huge, um, nuts.
After that I just kind of wanted him to go away and quit pressing his big hairy business up against my window.And yes, those are Easter eggs on the window. Annie made them herself and I can't throw them out yet.

ANYWAYS.......

Fast forward a few hours. We are driving to my family reunion and my aunt who is in town from Washington is sitting in the back seat next to Annie. We were chatting and I told her about the squirrel climbing up the screen and Annie said (loudly and with enthusiasm) "YEAH AND WE SAW HIS JUNK!!!!!

It. Was. Awesome.

why I hate the pool

We got a family pass to the new aquatic center. It has waterslides, fountains, a zero-depth play area, and a lazy river. The girls are super psyched. Me, not so much. Here's why:

1. I have to wear a swimsuit. 'Nuff said.

2. At some point durring a trip to the pool, I will be either too cold or too hot. Not being the "right temperature" makes me anxious. I can't stand it.

3. I hate getting splashed! I can't stand the feeling of water hitting my skin. It makes me feel like I am being attacked and I get anxious. This is why I hate showers, but baths are ok.
There are usually alot of kids at the pool, and I end up getting splashed.

4. I get panicky in crowded places, and the pool is usually crowded. I can't stop looking at all the other people and worrying about if they are looking at me. Logically I know they aren't but I still worry about it.

Hmm, I guess that about covers it. Oh, also when I saw Dr. Sean yesterday he mentioned that he saw me at the pool, which makes me feel even more paranoid, especially since he saw me but I didn't see him.

But we did shell out for the pass, and the girls have a really great time there, so I guess I will have to suck it up.

When we were leaving the pool after our first time there, the girls were all excited and talking about their favorite parts and they asked me "mom, what was your favorite part?" and I said "the part where we left" and they just groaned. I am such a party pooper.

Party on

Thanks so much for the nice comments. I don't feel like such an obsessive weirdo anymore. Actually, I have not been thinking so much about Dr. Tolin the past few days because I have been thinking about Annie's birthday party non stop. First I obsessed over assembling the perfect goody bags for the kids who are coming, which included running back and forth from store to store comparing the merits of various party favors and candies. Oh, and there will be 9 kids at the party and party favors seem to only be sold in packs of 8. Nice.
Also I have been worrying about the weather because I rented a wading pool at a local park for the party. The party was supposed to be yesterday but it ended up raining so I had to move it to today, reschedule the rental, baloons, cake, and call everyone and see if they could come today instead.
Sooooo....the party is at 4:30 this afternoon and I have to pick up baloons and cake and all the food for the party and prepare soem of the food and I have therapy at 3. What the crap am I doing sitting around on the computer?????
We are grilling hamburgers aka "crabby patties", because it is a Spongebob party.

Ok ok I have to get moving. Wish me luck! I have more ED related things to talk about but they will have to wait for another post.

Have a great day!!!!!

it was an awkward situation but I handled it well

I haven't been around blogland much this weekend because I did some impromptu camping with my sister, her boyfriend, and about 50 member's of her boyfriend's family. Ok, so not 5o. It was me, my sister and Kevin, and 3 other families. That's alot of new people for this shy girl to meet, but I put my best foot forward and I think I did ok. Well, how could I go wrong when I had Annie with me, she is so cute and everyone just loved her. Emma was at her dad's house so she wasn't there, and I missed her the whole time.

So here's my personal drama/awkward situation from this weekend: one of Kevin's (my sister's boyfriend) in-laws (who was there this weekend) is a staffperson at the UIHC eating disorders program!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, the place I was hospitalised at 5 times, where I was drug in twice in handcuffs (once still drunk from the escapade I chronicled in my previous post, once kicking and screaming like a lunatic)! The place I escaped from in '98, only to end up back 3 months later. The place that still gives me nightmares. Yeah, that place.

When I looked up and saw Staffperson there I felt like the universe had shifted, or I was in some weird time/place warp, or possibly I was hallucinating. What was Staffperson doing on a campout with my sister? I think it was a little suprising for Staffperson to see me there as well, but they handled it well (yes, I'm being specifically vague and not even revealing the gender of staffperson, because maybe someone who reads this might end up in UIHC sometime, and if it got back to Staffperson that I blogged about them I would just die).

Fortunately, this Staffperson was one of the few people in that program who was nice to me and who I didn't have a problem with. So that was good. We actually got along really well this weekend. It did get a little weird once when we were alone and Staffperson said "so, how have things been going? Things going ok?" I felt really uncomfortable and wished that it hadn't been brought up, but fortunately I was have been doing ok in the ED department so I was able to answer truthfully "Good! Things are going really good!". Staffperson has a little boy who is Annie's age and they played together alot and sometimes I felt a little funny, like if you would have told me 8 years ago that we would be camping together and our kids would play together and I would be helping Staff's son catch fireflies, I wouldn't have believed you.

I know I will see staffperson again because Jessica and Kevin's relationship is serious; they just bought a house together and I wouldn't be suprised if they get married. Jessica hang's out with Kevin's family alot (including Staffperson) and so I will probably see Staffperson at barbeques/camping/ect. But I think after this weekend I can handle it.

One thing, though. Staffperson has kind of a unique voice. Not really a lisp, but there is something about it that is just different. It is definitely a voice I only associate with being at UIHC. So once in awhile this weekend, Staffperson would say something and I would be caught off guard hearing the voice and have this weird fight or flight response, the one I get when I am in Iowa City, or hear of someone going into treatment at UIHC, or spend time in therapy talking about my experiences there. So yeah, there was some some anxiety this weekend. But I handled it well.

Other things crossed my mind this weekend. Like, if Staff sees me drinking Diet Coke with breakfast, will they think I am still sick? If I have to go to the bathroom right after a meal, will they think I am purging? You know, stuff like that. I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that the world does not revolve around me. Contrary to my paranoia, other people are not thinking about me all the time. Other people are thinking about their own lives! Duh! People have better things to think about than how much food is on my plate or how often I go to the bathroom. It was very helpful to remind myself of this.

Mostly, I just had a really good time this weekend and did some really healthy things. Things you can't really do well with an eating disorder, like swimming and boating and climbing a really tall observation tower and roasting marshmallows (and eating them). I had a blast!

*hot*hot*hot*

Well, I guess it is summer here now that it is 90 FREAKIN' DEGREES out! I took the girls to Ledges State Park to cool off in the creek this weekend. We actually went Sat and Sun. Sunday we brought Emma's friend Espie, which was fun for the girls. Here is a picture of them all jumping off a rock at the same time.

And splash! You might notice that the rock they jumped off recently fell off the canyon wall behind it. I thought that was kind of cool.
After we got home from the park Annie wanted to play with the ice in the cooler, so I dragged it out back for her. I got her a pitcher of warm water and she started doing "experiments. She was putting ice cubes in the warm water to see how they melted, and to see how many ice cubes it would take to turn the warm water cold. She also put ice on the sidewalk to see how long it would take to melt, and eventually how long it took for the water left behind to dry up.

She was entertained for over an hour with her "experiments"! I guess anything that involves ice and water on a hot day would be a hit.

We walked over to the hawaiian shave ice shack after dinner for some treats. I got a strawberry colada and it was delicious. Kind of like a sugar rush and a brain freeze at the same time!

Emma is starting to feel the effects of the brain freeze, and Annie is just trying to get the last bits of her ice.

Predictably, the girls got stomach aches on the walk home. But it was ok. I got a punch card as I bet we will be frequent customers of the shave ice shack this summer.

Did I mention it's freaking hot outside?