Saturday, December 6, 2008

hmm, havent posted for awhile cause i have been really stressed out. Things with Zlatko have quieted down and for now i am just keeping an eye on the situation. I had considered taking him to court to change the visitation schedule, but just the thought of it stressed me out so bad that i abandoned the idea. For now.
I have been thinking about taking a break from therapy but have decided to keep going for now. Mostly this is because my husband was somewhat alarmed at tthe thought of me not being in therapy cause i am not doing so hot right now. but the thing is, i think therapy is making things worse. let me explain. Cory is an AMAZING therapist, the best i ever had. We are getting deeper into things that i have never explored before, and i am being more honest and open about my thought proccesses theen i have ever been. While this is ultimately a good thing, It causes me TONS of anxiety. For example, in our last session, i told Cory one of my secrets; a belief that i hold that is one of the things that keeps me sick. It felt right at the time, to reveal it, but later i began to be filled with anxiety and guilt and fear. i felt like i had exposed part of myself and i felt so vulnerable and unprotected. It terrified me. That night i severely restricted my food and spent the rest of the evening curled up in bed experiencing extreme anxiety. I woke up feeling bacically the same way. then i began to have thhoughts of cutting, something that i have not done on years. I felt panicked, i didnt know what to do. I had to find some way to express my emotions, to get them under control. Fortunately, i made a good choice. I decided to make a collage about how i was feeling. it sound childish, but it was actually very theraputic and helped me to focus on something. So anyway, im getting braver and taking risks in therapy, wich is good, but it seems to be making my anxiety and ed symptoms worse. On a more positive note, this was the first puke-free thanksgiving for me in about 12 years. Yay! Sorry if my posts are getting negative and whiny; im just having a bit of a struggle right now. Despite all this, though, i AM getting into the christmas spirit. I wish i knew how to post pictures. our apartment is all christmas-y and our tree is beautiful. I love this time of year!

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