Sunday, December 14, 2008

made it through another week

like the title says, im still here. I saw the doc on thursdat and he increaced my lexapro, and put me back on the risperidol and topamax. plus the traxodone. oh, and i managed to squeeze some klonipin out of him. 20 .5 mg tablets that are supposed to last the entire month. so far i have 7 left. go figure. T he problem is that the .5's do nothing for my anxiety. i have to take at least two. so now my husband is mad at me because he thinks i am "abusing my medications". I think he is having flashbacks from last year. He really hurt my feelings today by telling me that by me abusing my meds and doing my eating disorder he thinks im trying to push him to see how much he will take and he really didnt appreciate it what whith finals going o and every thing. Well, i was just florred! It hurt so bad to hear him sat that! I mean, this is not about him! Mostly, i try to hide it from him! And i alraedy feel sad and guilty and ashamed all the time and now, to know that this is how he sees me, just destroyed me!. Well, hewe were on our way to church and when we got ther i just dropped him and anne off cause i was too upset to go so i drove home, but all the way home i was having crazy thoughts like driving off the road or killing myself or something. When i went home i went downstairs and talked to my friend jude and that helped a little. Then when i left judes apt chris was standing in the hallway. He was worried about me. we talked a little bit and that helped but i am still feeling pretty low. well they are home now so i have to go.

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