mother's day

Really big stump.
Us in a tree.

My little tree-climbers.

The girls got their faces painted! So cute!

Yes, we went to the zoo again.

Why is she always throwing up gang signs when I take her picture?

Love this otter!

the last couple of years I have spent mother's day feeling depressed and ashamed, reflecting on my total failure as a mom, and getting angry at all the "perfect moms" in those mother's day tv commercials. So far, mother's day this year has been pleasantly different. I actually feel ok today. I know I am not the best mom in the world, but I am by far not the worst. My girls are happy and healthy and know they are loved. I guess that's more than I can say for alot of kids on this planet.

I don't feel like writing anymore because my brain feels tired today. Tired but happy. I guess I will post some pictures of some things we did this weekend to celebrate mother's day.

Oops the pictures went up there and i cant figure out how to bring them down. Deal with it ;)!

we got out da house!

So Emma is home from school today for spring break. I woke up rough, in a bad mood, with a major headache, and had a strong feeling that it was not going to be a good day. I sat on the couch, doing my usual internet crap in my pj's, but I had a feeling that I just wanted to escape the house. Get the heck out of here. I sat there and thought about it a bit and decided it would be fun to go into Des Moines to the zoo. We have a membership afterll, might as well use it. So I got ready and got the kids ready but when we got outside it was cloudy and colder than I thought it would be. So as we hit the road I informed then of a quick plan change. We would not go to the zoo, we would go to the Des Moines Botanical Center. Annie started to cry and I felt bad; she really wanted to go to the zoo. But I told her we would go another day. I told her that today we were going to the JUNGLE! So she got a little excited about that.

Getting to the Botanical Center was kind of nervewracking. It is right in downtown Des Moines and I didn't know where I was going, but eventually we found it. The minute we stepped into the warm, tropical air I knew I had made the best choice. The air was moist and fragrant, and everywhere there were palms and flowers and tropical plants. It is like a jungle under a huge dome. There are paths through it and a stream with koi and a waterfall. The girls were delighted! We explored the different kind of trunks and leaves and flowers; we even found a banana tree with little bananas growing on it. There was also a little desert section with all kinds of cactuses (cacti?), large and small, thin and fat and flowering. We watched a small bird hopping near a cactus. We watched the fish in the stream and saw a painted turtle. There was a coloring activity upstairs and we sat and colored for awhile. It was just a nice time.

On the drive home as I was listening to the girls playing in the backseat with the toys I got them at the gift shop, I felt a surge of love for them swell in my heart. A feeling of joy just came over me. It is so rare lately for me to feel truly happy that I just basked in the sensation. I thought about my girls. It is truly amazing that I have them in my life. And I thought about the fact that they save my life, every day, and make it liveable. They pull me out of myself and remind me that the world is not all about me. It is easy for me to forget this. I get so wound up in thinking about myself, MY depression, MY recovery, MY goals, MY appointments, MY illness. The girls have shown me a world outside of all of this. A world where happiness is found not in self-denial, but in discovery and simple pleasures. Like coloring a picture, or finding a secret hiding spot in a tree trunk, or sharing a funny joke or a hug.

I don't know where I would be without Emma and Anne. Probably in some crappy group home. I don't really want to think about it. The point is, I love my girls. They are the greatest blessing in my life.
I will post some pictures of today later.

blah

I can't tell if I am so tired because I am depressed, or depressed because I am so tired.

How is it that I am on twice-daily methylphenidate (stimulant), yet my @ss is still magnetically attracted to the couch.

Also, my body image is in the toilet. Today is one of those days when it seems that all my problems would be solved if I lost 20 pounds.

Sigh.

On a more positive note, I built an awesome snow fort with my kids the other day. We have a mold for making snow bricks, so the fort looked all proffessional and stuff. I was going to take a picture, but then one of the walls collapsed (it was kind of a warm day). And, my date with Emma was lots of fun! It was really nice to spend some quality time with her. We went bowling and played arcade games and bounced in the bounce house.

I'm trying to look at the positive things. I'm trying to find sources of self-esteem that are not based on looks/weight. I guess feeling good about myself as a parent is part of that. When I am feeling bad about myself and all the ways I fall short, my knee jerk reaction is to fall back on restricting to cope. But I know better now. That isn't going to help anything. Still, the thought of losing weight is just so seductive.

I don't even know what I am talking about right now. My brain is tired and I'm rambling. I must pull myself together because in a few minutes Annie and I are going to go visit some friends. Then i am just going to take it easy I think. Tomorrow I have a plan to go with the girls to Cedar Rapids and see my mom and sister. There is a nature center there that is having a maple syrup festival and we might go to that (if I get on the road by 8 in the morning!). But while I am looking forward to seeing my family, I am kind of dreading such a big day, because Chris isn't coming as he has homework to do. I like it better when he comes because he helps with the girls, plus if I get really tired he could drive home. But tomorrow I have to do it all myself. I think it will be ok, if I get to bed early tonight.

Blah blah blah I'm probably borring the crap out of anyone reading this. BTW i haven't been commenting so much on blogs lately because my brain has just felt like mush and I feel I have nothing useful to say. But I am thinking of everyone and reading and keeping up. Hopefully my higher functions will come back online soon :)

pinkeye rocks!

When I woke up this morning my left eye was crusted shut. EEEWWW! Yesterday it was all red and itchy. So, instead of going to my friend Amanda's house for a playdate, I dropped Annie off there and headed for the doctors office. Diagnosis: pinkeye! Whaaaat? I thought only kids are supposed to get pinkeye! Apparently not.

So here I am at home giving myself eyedrops and bored to tears. It is so hot and humid; too hot to go outside. What to do.......

I downloaded some music from itunes and before i knew it Annie and I were dancing around the living room. She even went and put on one of her "ballgowns"- fancy lady!

These are pictures of Annie dancing to "Out on the Street" by Bruce Springsteen. It's the song that Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle were playing the drums to in "Reign Over Me", if you know that movie. It seriously rocks!

I love Annie so much; she is so sweet and cute and good. I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with her and not miss out on this precious time in her life. Sometimes i wish she could stay little forever.
Well, on to the rest of my day. I'm sure it will consist of total social isolation, since i am contagious. Come to think about it, that wouldn't make it much different than any other day :) !

Thought for the day: Always make time for random fun!

BACK HOME

Well i got back from my road trip on friday and i must say i had such a great time! And my girls are SO good on the road- 1300 miles in the car and no crying or complaining! Of course, i try to make it fun, with lots of stops and this road bingo game i made for emma, with prizes and everything. We spent two days at the Great Wolf lodge in traverse city, michigan, wich was AWESOME! It had an indoor waterpark and a "cave" in our room the first night and a "cabin" the ssecond night (we switched rooms). And Emma played this game called Magic Quest. You buy a wand, which you get to keep, and the game is played all throughout the hotel. The wand activates different items, like portraits and treasure chests, that you have to find, and you go on different quests. Its kind of like being in a video game. Even some of the taxidermied animals in the lodge would sayy things if you pointed the wand at them! Emma had a blast!
I did pretty good with the eating disorder on the trip. I dont have a scale, but i am pretty sure i have gained all that weight i was talking about, and then some. I only purged once, despite all the eating out and fast food we ate on the trip. Ironically, my purge was a weight watcher's frozen dinner i microwaved in our hotel room. There is no figuring out this illness sometimes.
I'm having alot of second thoughts about this whole "healthy weight" thing. I just feel so freaking uncomfortable! And fat! And what's worse, i feel so ORDINARY! Like there is nothing special about me. It's too bad that my world has shrunk to such a small place that the only way i can feel special or accomplished is to lose weight and become extremely thin, but there it is. It seems so empty and meaningless, yet life seems meaningless without it. I guess if i had gone to college or had a career or whatever i would have something to fall back on, but i have spent my whole adult life, and a good part of my teens, doing THIS! It has been my occupation, so to speak. I have always measured my success, my standing in the world, by my weight. I dont know how to view myself another way.
This is all kind of deppressing to me. I worry that i will die from my illness, or live a "sick" life. And be a bad role model for my girls, and have to watch my choices repeat myself in them. That sounds like the worst kind of torture. I am at a loss to know how to change myself, but i kknow that i have to, somehow.

STITCHES!

Ok, so we were just sitting around, enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon at home, when Annie( my 2 year old) decided to take a swandive off of her rocking chair right into the corner of the entertainment center. She hit it head first with a sickening "crack" noise then started screaming at the top of her lungs. I got to her, but as soon as i saw the blood i knew that i couldn't look so Chris had to pick her up and survey the damage while i composed myself ( i tend to freak out when one of my kids gets hurt). I was imagining that her eye was out of the socket or her teeth were missing or her face was somehow rearranged to look like Sloth from the Goonies, but Chris showed me it was just a cut on her forhead that, while deep, was rather small. Still, we had to take her to the urgent care clinic for- you guessed it- stitches. This was not nearly as traumatic as i thought it would be. First, they wrapped her up in a blanket so she couldn't move. i told Annie they were going to wrap her up "like a baby", and she seemed to accept this just fine. The doc said most kids go ballistic. Then, the doc gave her a shot of novacaine near the cut to numb the site for the stitches. Poor little Annie was so brave! She whimperd a little, and looked at me and Chris for reassurance, but she didn't cry! Then the doctor gave her 4 stitches, and she didnt cry or squirm or anything! Her little eyes were full of concern, but we just kept praising her and telling her that everything was ok and how good she was doing, and then it was all over. The doctor and nurses were amazed! When it was over, Annie was actually smilling in the mirror at her cartoon character bandaids! I think the whole thing was harder on Chris and i than it was on her! She is so amazingly cute and wonderful!
I kept being paranoid that the doctor was ggoing to call a social worker or something, because when Annie hit the edge of the entertainment center she also hit my wrought iron plant stand so she had these other marks on her face and in general looked all beat up. She still looks pretty rough today. But they didn't say anything about it.
I just ggot back from my doctor appointment where i had my potassium rechecked, so i am waiting to hear if it is still low. If it is low, the doctor is going to give me some supplements.
We found an apartment in Ames on friday. We are not moving until aug, but since it is a college town you have to get them early. Oh, yes, and it is smaller than our place now but costs about $130 more a month. Yay for that. After spending the day driving aroun Ames, i am no longer psyched to be moving there. It looks like just another craphole to me. A craphole where i wont know anyone and dont have a treatment team or any friends or family and no ywca what the hell am i going to do!? Well i guess i will have to figure somthing out. I am just being negative right now; i'm sure it isn't that bad.

Thought I Was Doing Really Good, But...

Things are all messed up. Last night I had a really fun trip to the ER with sypmtoms of some kind on heart problem. Turns out my potassium was low. But i have been doing pretty good with the purging, so the doctor thinks its all the excercise, which i admit has been a bit excessive. But here's the tricky part- my potassium was low, but he didnt want to give me an iv or any pills; instead he told he to go home and "eat potassium rich foods, like bannanas and potatoes". Ok, this is a problem for me, becuase i tend to purge just about every "food" i eat, which is why i drink the Boost, and I told the doc this, so he said " well, double the Boost. And no excercising.". So I was left to go home and freak out about how am I supposed to increase my intake while decreasing my excercise HEY DOC IF I COULD DO THAT I BET I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS STUPID EATING DISORDER! Well, i woke up today feeling stressed out and hella fat and bloated and so far have purged twice today which is pretty much the oposite of raising my pottasium. So i was happy that i had an appointment with Corey, but it ended up being one of those sessions that made me feel more deppressed and hopeless. And confused. Corey thinks I can still exercise, like walking and lifting weights. So I am tempted to go do it tommorrow. Just walking, nothing big. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on monday to get my potassium rechecked and maybe me will give me some potassium supplements. I have a feeling that i keep spelling potassium wrong. Anyways. It seems like once i get a handle on one pertt of my ed, another part gets out of control. I thought i was doing so good, not purging and everything, when the whole time i was also in denial about overexercising and restricting. So now i have to face that, While still trying to not binge or purge. It's just all too much sometimes. While i was talking about this stuff in Corey's office, i had this mental image of myself just going home and crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and hiding from it all. Cause thats what i feel like doing. But i have to keep going, keep trying, hoping something works. I have to do it forr my girls. They are the light of my life and my inspiration. The other day, Emma and i were talking about things we were afraid of. she said that the thing she was most afraid of was me dying. That really has given me something to think about; to my girls, i am everything. If they lost me, their lives would be affected forever. I can't let that happen. So....I will cool it on the excercise. I will try to find a way to increase my intake without freaking out and purging. I will treat myself with love and respect, so i can be a good example to my girlies. Cause i sure wouldn't want either of them doing this to themselves. It would break my heart.

I <3 Emma

I took Emma, my 7 year old, out to lunch at McDonalds today, just for the heck of it. It was fun, just the sort of mother- daughter thing I imagined I would do once I had kids. I didn't tell her I was going to do it, just showed up at her school, so it was a suprise. It makes me feel kind of good that, at least today, Emma was the envy of her class. I even let her sit in the front seat ( Mcdonalds was only 3 blocks away) and I got her some High School Musical pencils!
I am trying to think of ways to connect to Emma. I feel like we are not as close as we used to be, especially since we moved to Iowa ans she started school. It seems like all the time i have with her, i spend it giving orders like, "brush your teeth... hurry up, the bus is coming... finish your dinner...share with your sister...youre being too loud..." ect. You get the picture. And this deppression doesnt help. Sometimes its all i can do to get through the day just functioning, and I dont have alot to give as a mom.
I found some pictures yesterday from when Emma was a baby that reminded me of better times, and it made me sad that she wont remember those times when she was a baby. These are the days that she will remember. Ok, maybe i am being a little hard on myself. I mean, i know i'm no "Mommie Dearest", but I could do better. I'm going to try to do some fun/bonding activity with Emma every week, just us two.
What the heck? It's raining like a mo'fo' outside, and thundering, too! I guess it has been awhile since i have heard the rain, actually, its kind of nice. Soothing, in a way. I,m wearing a robe over my clothes and 2 pairs of socks cause i cant seem to get warm today, even though i turned the heat up. I think when chris gets home i'm going to take a nice, relaxing soak in the tub. Sorry, i just started rambling about my borring life. Oh, i still havent binged or purged. I'm feeling very good about it. My next challenge is to get my intake up, cause i am kind of restricting, which is usually what i do when im not bingeing. It's that all-or-nothing thinking. But one step at a time.