Friday, March 5, 2010

blah

I can't tell if I am so tired because I am depressed, or depressed because I am so tired.

How is it that I am on twice-daily methylphenidate (stimulant), yet my @ss is still magnetically attracted to the couch.

Also, my body image is in the toilet. Today is one of those days when it seems that all my problems would be solved if I lost 20 pounds.

Sigh.

On a more positive note, I built an awesome snow fort with my kids the other day. We have a mold for making snow bricks, so the fort looked all proffessional and stuff. I was going to take a picture, but then one of the walls collapsed (it was kind of a warm day). And, my date with Emma was lots of fun! It was really nice to spend some quality time with her. We went bowling and played arcade games and bounced in the bounce house.

I'm trying to look at the positive things. I'm trying to find sources of self-esteem that are not based on looks/weight. I guess feeling good about myself as a parent is part of that. When I am feeling bad about myself and all the ways I fall short, my knee jerk reaction is to fall back on restricting to cope. But I know better now. That isn't going to help anything. Still, the thought of losing weight is just so seductive.

I don't even know what I am talking about right now. My brain is tired and I'm rambling. I must pull myself together because in a few minutes Annie and I are going to go visit some friends. Then i am just going to take it easy I think. Tomorrow I have a plan to go with the girls to Cedar Rapids and see my mom and sister. There is a nature center there that is having a maple syrup festival and we might go to that (if I get on the road by 8 in the morning!). But while I am looking forward to seeing my family, I am kind of dreading such a big day, because Chris isn't coming as he has homework to do. I like it better when he comes because he helps with the girls, plus if I get really tired he could drive home. But tomorrow I have to do it all myself. I think it will be ok, if I get to bed early tonight.

Blah blah blah I'm probably borring the crap out of anyone reading this. BTW i haven't been commenting so much on blogs lately because my brain has just felt like mush and I feel I have nothing useful to say. But I am thinking of everyone and reading and keeping up. Hopefully my higher functions will come back online soon :)

5 comments:

dietcolagirl said...

I'm terrible @ not comenting and not even blogging regular. I'm trying though, I do like to keep a regular journal but sometimes like you i just can't motivate myself to do anything

I Hate to Weight said...

YOU ARE NOT BORING. i admire you. in the midst of everything, you dig deep and do all these fun and creative things with your children. and you're in a marriage. that's a lot of work too.

did it ever occur to you that you're doing enough? you're raising a family and taking care of your home. that's plenty.

AND you're working on some very, very difficult issues. i'm so sorry that you're feeling depressed. THAT SUCKS.

what if you were someone outside of your life whom you loved a lot. wouldn't you have great compassion and respect for you then?

now.is.now said...

1. You always say you have nothing useful to say in comments, but your words always make me feel good. That said, there is never any pressure to comment. I just want you to know that your comments are quality comments.

2. "When I am feeling bad about myself and all the ways I fall short, my knee jerk reaction is to fall back on restricting to cope. But I know better now." <--That is such great progress. Sometimes it's hard because you "know better" yet you (me too) still do it... but to be in a place where you know better shows how far you've come.

3. I really like I HATE TO WEIGHT's comment about it occuring to you that you'er doing enough. You are an engaged mother. You take care of your family. You seek activities for you and your kids to do. You pick yourself up when you're feeling down and make a play date. You're exploring your own faith and spirituality. You're challenging yourself by doing things like organizing classroom parties. You don't give yourself enough credit.

Eating Alone said...

You seem like an awesome mom to me. My mom went through a bought of depression when I was growing up, she pretty much disappeared for like 2 years. You at least are fighting through it. Granted that was like in the 70's but still.

Depression sucks. It suck's the spirit and life right out of you. Fight back. I don't know how, but fight. Write, play with the kids, go on a date with hubby, pet baby whatever! Just don't sit and wallow. That's not a good thing and it's all that I've been doing. I'm busting out of this joint today! I can't make a snow fort (I love South Fl) but I can go somewhere and do something. You should go too!

Wow all that and I'm not on med's. Maybe I should take some.

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