I can't tell if I am so tired because I am depressed, or depressed because I am so tired.
How is it that I am on twice-daily methylphenidate (stimulant), yet my @ss is still magnetically attracted to the couch.
Also, my body image is in the toilet. Today is one of those days when it seems that all my problems would be solved if I lost 20 pounds.
On a more positive note, I built an awesome snow fort with my kids the other day. We have a mold for making snow bricks, so the fort looked all proffessional and stuff. I was going to take a picture, but then one of the walls collapsed (it was kind of a warm day). And, my date with Emma was lots of fun! It was really nice to spend some quality time with her. We went bowling and played arcade games and bounced in the bounce house.
I'm trying to look at the positive things. I'm trying to find sources of self-esteem that are not based on looks/weight. I guess feeling good about myself as a parent is part of that. When I am feeling bad about myself and all the ways I fall short, my knee jerk reaction is to fall back on restricting to cope. But I know better now. That isn't going to help anything. Still, the thought of losing weight is just so seductive.
I don't even know what I am talking about right now. My brain is tired and I'm rambling. I must pull myself together because in a few minutes Annie and I are going to go visit some friends. Then i am just going to take it easy I think. Tomorrow I have a plan to go with the girls to Cedar Rapids and see my mom and sister. There is a nature center there that is having a maple syrup festival and we might go to that (if I get on the road by 8 in the morning!). But while I am looking forward to seeing my family, I am kind of dreading such a big day, because Chris isn't coming as he has homework to do. I like it better when he comes because he helps with the girls, plus if I get really tired he could drive home. But tomorrow I have to do it all myself. I think it will be ok, if I get to bed early tonight.
Blah blah blah I'm probably borring the crap out of anyone reading this. BTW i haven't been commenting so much on blogs lately because my brain has just felt like mush and I feel I have nothing useful to say. But I am thinking of everyone and reading and keeping up. Hopefully my higher functions will come back online soon :)
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago