Lately I have been feeling like kind of a crummy parent. I mean, I make sure my kids are clothed and fed and sheltered and stuff like that, but I don't feel like I have had much to give them emotionally the last few weeks. It just seems like I am so tired all the time, and feeling run down and worn out, that I am just counting the hours until bedtime, and the children are being entertained more and more by the TV or video games. And I feel really bad about this. I never wanted to be the kind of mom who just sat around and let her kids watch tv all day.
I think it is worse with Emma. Annie and I are together all day, and usually erlier in the day I have more energy and we do something fun, like go to Playpals or have a playdate with friends or something. But by the time Emma gets home from school I am so wiped out that I am semi-shut down and just feeling like I need a break. So she kind of gets the short end of the stick as far as quality time with me goes.
I was talking about this with my therapist Kim yesterday and it helped me feel a little better. I was able to see that if I truly were a "bad" mom, I wouldn't even recognise what is going on or be concerned about it. I would think "well my kids have food, clothes, and a place to live, so they are ok". But I know where I am lacking and am making plans to do better.
It is hard when I have a limited amount of physical and emotional energy, and there are priorities, things that NEED to get done, like housework, dinner, ect. But I can make small goals. For example, the sun is shining, and I have a goal to play outside with Annie in the snow today after lunch. We dont even have to go out for a long time, but at least like a half hour or something. And tomorrow i am taking Emma out for a "date" to Perfect Games video arcade/bowling place.
Part of this is staying on top of my ED, too. When I am not eating or taking care of myself, everything gets harder. I have no energy, I am cranky and irritable. Also, I hate the way the Ed pulls me into my own head. I am not able to really be tuned in to my childrn because my mind is filled with thoughts of food and weight and stuff like that. It is like being in the same room with my kids, but being totally seperate. But really, all the ED stuff is just so meaningless! I mean, how will I feel if I look back at the end of my life, and realize that I wasn't there for my kids because I was preoccupied with controlling my weight?!
I really just want want our family to have a quality life, instead of just passing time. Does that make sense? There have been several reminders in my life lately that you never know what the future holds. I cannot protect my kids from things like natural disasters and serious illnesses. So what can I do? I can help make positive memories and happy times with the time that we do have on this earth. There are no guaranties that we will all be here tomorrow. All we have is today. I know i can do better to make every "today" the best it can be.
P.S. can you tell I watched the movie "2012" last night?
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago