Ok so maybe the title is a little bit dramatic but holy crap this is how I feel! It's like I woke up on the crazy side of the bed on Sat and just have been going downhill ever since. I am extremely anxious, feel like my skin is crawling, don't want to talk to anyone, deal with anyone, or be around anyone. Somehow I made it to church yesterday but it was torture. I felt I should go , though, since it was my weekend with Emma and I want her to go to church. But I could not wait to go home, dose myself with seroquel, and lay on the couch the rest of the day.
I did try to salvage some dignity as a mother, and managed to let the girls help me make a cake, actually two little cakes. Then I gave them each a cake and some frosting and sprinkles and let them have at it! They had lots of fun and each made a very crazy, colorful, creative cake. It was kind of something they could do that they didn't need too much help with, so that was good. Then I sent them out to play outside since it was a nice day. i just couldn't deal with them. Does that sound awful? Chris was home but he was taking one of his marathon sunday afternoon naps. Hello, crazy wife falling apart in the livingroom! But I didn't ask for help so I cant really blame him.
So, last night I threw out all of my flavoring extracts, because I was on the verge of drinking them (they are like 80% alcohol). But man, I woke up crazy this morning and am not handling things well. I had to go to 2 different grocery stores, and register Annie for preschool, and I had to bring both girls because Emma is out of school. This afternoon I have to take Baby to the vet, then drop the girls back home and go to Emma's parent teacher conference. I was seriously considering stopping at the store on the way back from conferences and getting a few of those tiny bottles of vodka. Some other things I have considered: Killing myself, harming myself, taking myself to the psych ward. I have decided to fill the single dose of Xanax that is supposed to be for dental appointments and take it this afternoon after conferences, in place of the aforementioned options. Now don't everyone jump on my back, I really consider this the lesser of all evils. After all, my husband would be really mad if I drank, plus I'm not really supposed to drink on my medications. Killing myself is not a good choice. Niether is going to the psych ward. I seriously doubt they could help me feel better. Niether is going all psycho-bitch-freak-out on my husband and kids because I cant keep it all together. So I am taking the damned Xanax and I am going to have a nice lovely evening and cook some asparagus for dinner, because it was on sale.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago