It might be post-trip fun withdrawl, or all the activity is finally catching up with me and I am really, really tired. Or maybe it is that I no longer have something to look forward to. Whatever. I've been sinking in it all day.
Here's a clue:
Chris and I were watching tv and that travel site commercial with the lawn gnome comes on. The one where the gnome is sitting in his living room and it is snowing outside and he is going "de da le da de de de! I got to get out of here!". Chris turned to me and asked "is that what it felt like today?". I think he asked me this because the weather was crappy and snowy out today. Anyways, here is my response: "Yeah, I felt like that, like I really wanted to get out of the house, except I really didn't want to go anywhere because I was too anxious and depressed, and I didn't think that leaving the house would help that, because basically the problem is me, and it doesn't matter where I go, so I don't really want to go anywhere, what I really want is to be NOWHERE, to somehow get out of myself or not exist or be conscious for awhile, except that is not really possible, its the sort of feeling that makes you want to take drugs, like remember when I used to take Xanax all the time, it wasn't because I wanted to be high, it was because I just didn't want to feel this anymore, like for a few hours I wanted to just feel normal, or just ok."
Then it dawned on me that I was rambling, that I was all choked up and my eyes were welling up, and that Chris' question wasn't serious anyways.
please let this just be a bad day.
7 months ago