I feel like I am being dragged through an emotional mudpit.
It hurts to breathe. It hurts to feel. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I feel like a ghost. Like an alien in my own home.
Thank God for my children. They are keeping me going. I HAVE to get up. I HAVE to make Annie lunch. I gave her a bath and braided her hair, feelong a sense of accomplishment that at leat my children are clean and cared for.
I feel the pull of the depression, trying to drag me under. My family pulls me the other way. they need me. I need to live.
Besides the sadness, there is fear. I am afraid this will go on forever. I feel hopeless. Even though I have been in the shadow only a few days, I can't remember what it feels like to be ok.
The depression seems to have scared the eating disorder away. I have no appetite to want to binge. I'm trying to eat whatever sounds good, which isn't much. Today I am living off of caffiene and jellybeans. I don't care about restricting. I don't care if I am fat, or thin. I just don't care.
I see Dr. S on thurs, but I think I need to see a psychiatrist. With all the meds I take, I should be feeling better than this. I made a psych appt but the soonest they could get me in is april 7. Oh well it's better than nothing. Oh yes and my T is out of town.
I dont have much else to say.
5 weeks ago