Monday, March 22, 2010

depression

I feel like I am being dragged through an emotional mudpit.

S-L-O-W-L-Y

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to feel. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I feel like a ghost. Like an alien in my own home.

Thank God for my children. They are keeping me going. I HAVE to get up. I HAVE to make Annie lunch. I gave her a bath and braided her hair, feelong a sense of accomplishment that at leat my children are clean and cared for.

I feel the pull of the depression, trying to drag me under. My family pulls me the other way. they need me. I need to live.

Besides the sadness, there is fear. I am afraid this will go on forever. I feel hopeless. Even though I have been in the shadow only a few days, I can't remember what it feels like to be ok.

The depression seems to have scared the eating disorder away. I have no appetite to want to binge. I'm trying to eat whatever sounds good, which isn't much. Today I am living off of caffiene and jellybeans. I don't care about restricting. I don't care if I am fat, or thin. I just don't care.

I see Dr. S on thurs, but I think I need to see a psychiatrist. With all the meds I take, I should be feeling better than this. I made a psych appt but the soonest they could get me in is april 7. Oh well it's better than nothing. Oh yes and my T is out of town.

I dont have much else to say.

6 comments:

battleinmind said...

Hi lovely, I'm so sorry you are feeling low at the moment, and you don't remember what it's like to feel okay, but you WILL feel okay again, better than okay. Sounds like you are doing the right thing in going to see a psych :)

Stay strong xxxx

dietcolagirl said...

wow, i can so relate to not caring even about body image... but not in a good way. Just not caring because nothing is important enough. I am in awe of you for keeping up being in a relationship through all of this. I can barely get myself out of the house to go for coffee with a friend let alone sustain a relationship with someone! thank god for our kids, right? I feel the same way about Zach, getting up and MAKING myself do things for him and be a mom to him, the mom he deserves. Sending u well wishes.

Telstaar said...

Oooh I'm sorry Lisa, I do understand those feelings and they're pretty downright awful. I too am glad that you have your family, especially your girls who absolutely rely on you.

I will be praying and I hope that God can sustain you and intervene in ways like getting you a faster appt etc.

Praying and sending love and hugs
Telly xo

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. But remember you have been better and you will get better again. I know it's hard when you feel you're in the pit.

Take care and let me know if I can do anything. I will pray you are lifted out of this.

Hugs ...
Angela

I Hate to Weight said...

yes, you will feel better again. i'm glad you'll be seeing a psychiatrist. it really can be a long, hard road to finding the right meds

it's amazing that you do get up and do everything you need to for your children. you're amazing.

depression is awful and debilitating. take the best care you can of yourself.

good luck, lisa.

now.is.now said...

I know what you mean when you say you forget what it feels like to feel okay. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Treat yourself with lots of love and lots of care. The depression will lessen, as it always does. But I know that waiting for that to happen is hard.

Take care of yourself.