Monday, March 29, 2010

dilemma

I have to post right now. Then I am going to quit procrastinating and start my day.

I am struggling right now. I am of two minds. I woke up this morning with thoughts of restricting. The forcast for this week calls for weather in the 70's and while this makes me very happy, the thought of going through my shorts to see if any of them fit fills me with dread. I have a strong feeling that they will all be too small, as I have gained (restored) since last summer.

I do not want to buy new shorts in larger sizes. I want my old shorts to fit.

I can't stand this. I'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach every time I look in the mirror. The fat thighs that touch. Stomach that sticks out. Curves in all the wrong places. Fat on my back (new since i hit my 30's). I'm sick of having to dress to camouflage my flaws and my body. I want to be thin and confident. I want to feel beautiful.

But....but....

I like eating normally. Being able to sit down to dinner with my family and have what they are having, knowing I am being a good role model to my girls. I like having energy to do the things I want to do. I like not being crabby and lightheaded. It's nice not to be obsessed, not to have food and calories fill my head every waking hour. I'm glad I can eat normally at family functions and not have to run to that bathroom afterwards to purge, filled with shame.

I just want it all. I want to eat; I want to be thin. I want to be healthy; I want to lose weight. I want to be naturally thin, but i am not. I want to have long legs and smooth, cellulite-free thighs. This will never happen (even if I do lose weight). Why do I refuse to accept this? Its almost childlike, the way I continue to butt heads with reality. I need to grow up. I need to move on.

How do I do this?

11 comments:

now.is.now said...

Hey, Lisa. I'm just commenting to let you know that I read this - though I have nothing brilliant to say at the moment. But I wanted you to know that I read your post, and I think you're really insightful. I think you're so strong... you're so strong for yourself, for Chris, and for Annie and Emma. And, just so you know, "strong" doesn't mean fat. You are far from fat. I consider you a thin person - honestly. You're just so incredible.... stay strong, Lisa. Make your kids proud, and keep yourself healthy. Take good care of yourself today.

Maeve said...

I know exactly how you feel. I don't want to be sick, but I want to be skinny.

I don't know if you've ever watched Gilmore Girls, but I want to be a Gilmore Girl. In other words, I want to be able to be able to eat like there's no tomorrow (like the characters do) but still be thin (like the actors are).

Objectively I know that almost no one is built like that, but I still wish I was....

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I also know exactly how you feel. I don't know if you read my blog post, "Bargaining with recovery" @ http://angelaelackey.blogspot.com/2010/03/bargaining-with-recovery.html

It describes the pull of wanting to be thin, but also the cost.

And that's what I want you to remember - the cost. Your real life, your life with your family is so much more important than being thin. And I've seen pictures of you now - you are beautiful!

Don't go back, I like I did in January and am still struggling to regain both weight and recovery. It's not worth. Being thin means nothing in the scheme of things, and I am sometimes afraid that's all anyone is going to remember about me after I die - "She was sooo thin." Everything else I've done won't have mattered.

Please continue to eat normally, enjoy it; you are conquering ED, you are living my dream!!!

Lou Lou said...

angela said it so right, the cost is just never going to be worth it, and as i remember i never wanted to wear shorts even at my lowest i wasnt thin enough. this is a hard one and I can say nothing more than one thing that helps me is a spray tan, and mani pedis, i know it sounds terribly girly and im really that girly, but the small stuff helps my self confidence a lot, and iv thrown away all my small clothes, they are so uninspiring and i know the only way ill ever fit them again if I stop being in recovery and go deep into my ED again which I hope I dont do again.
sending you a lot of light and serenity, your amazing lisa you really are

Jenn said...

This time of the year always seems to be a struggle for girls like us. But I am glad that you were able to post your thoughts and feelings and get support instead of keeping them bottled up inside.

I really like how you said "restored" after you wrote gained weight -because that is the TRUTH. ED wants you to think that you gained weight, when the reality is that you RESTORED your weight and their IS a difference.

I am struggling with a ton of body image stuff too, and so I want you to know that I am here for you and that you will get past these feelings. I hope you have a good week, and you keep moving forward.

lots of hugs!
jenn

Eating Alone said...

Eating with the kids, feeling good, being a good role model.

Much better than listening to the disorderd voice in you head saying your fat. Don't listen to that voice, it's a liar. That was a sick person's weight not a healthy person.

Amber Rochelle said...

Oh wow, this describes a lot of what I'm feeling right now. I want it ALL as well. I don't think it's an issue of you needing to grow up. I think it's an issue of learning to accept what you have. I don't know your story all that well, but it seems like you've been fighting what you have for some time, so learning to accept it will naturaly take some time and training. But I believe you can do it...and then you can truly have it all :)

malpaz said...

lots of feeling in this post and i can relate oh so much. it was in the 80's this past weekend. i couldnt wait, then i remembered that last year this time i was not a pretty site. my daisy dukes... couldnt get them buttoned to save my life. fat talk galore in my head.
but then i realized... i like to eat. i like to cook. i like being happy and talking to people. i like having a LIFE outside of MYSELF and being preoccupied with nothing but my damn self and i love the family function thing as well! i would try to be a role model but i dont have any children. that in itself would be the BIGGEST driving force for me to stay healthy however.

hope these bad feelings pass and you relaize how cherished you are with you healthy, recovery and loving family!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

@Lou Lou

There's nothing wrong with being girly, lol! I love manicures (never had a manicure, though) and a little makeup, some lip gloss in the summer. I've never tried the spray tans because I have vivid memories of once using this product called Q-T (I'm 44; this was one of the first self-tanning products out there) and turning an inexplicable shade of orange, which wasn't what I was going for.

Your post reminded me of something else - when I was at my lowest weight (and I am trying to weight restore now, but I'm not at my lowest), I walked around wearing the shorts and other, supposedly cute clothes that I was so proud of fitting into and now I look back and realized I just looked both scary skinny and slutty, like I should have walking down Sunset Blvd. looking for tricks. I didn't see it then; now I cringe when I think of myself dressing like that at 42. And I never could wear that teeny bathing suit because I was always too cold!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I meant I've never had a pedicure, lol!

Lisa, you're doing great. Don't worry - you will be fine. Hugs galore from Michigan!

(Here's something weird - the word I have to type in to post this comment is brave. Think about it. You are brave.)

Keely said...

I hear ya. I'm having some pretty terrible body image issues these days as well. All I can say is I understand. When I find the answer, I'll share it with you. But I think it's going to boil down to just being happy with yourself, just as you are. (hug)