excercise

Have you ever had to pee so bad that the effort to keep it in was making you feel like you were going to pass out?

I am trying to start walking regularly again, but the past two nights I have gotten barely two miles from my house before I have to pee. If Chris was with me I would just duck into the woods while he stands lookout, but by myself I am not going to chance it on such a well-run trail. Getting arrested for public urination would put a dent in my efforts to build my reputation as a sane person. So I end up just having to cut my walk short and the walk home is very uncomfortable. Maybe I should choose a different time to walk, but after dinner really is the best time for me, and it also helps diffuse the anxiety I feel after eating.

Oh, and I want to point out that the evening walks have NOTHING to do with what Dr. Goat said to me the other day. In fact, I had been planning to start excercising again before I saw him.
I was going to start Wed, but after my meeting with Dr. Goat I decided to postpone it until thurs, because I wanted to absolutely clear to myself that I was NOT taking the doctor's advice. I purposefully did NOT excercise on Wed just because Dr. Goat told me to.

Yes, I really am that mature.

hits & misses

Wellll...... I was able to add two potassium rich foods to my intake today. In addition to shakes and apples, I am now enjoying oranges and low-sodium v8. So, hopefully that will help things along. Fyi: low-sodium v8 has more potassium than regular.
That's the good. The bad is- I went to the Y to WALK and lift weights and the first thing i did was get on the scale and find out that in the one day i took off from excercising i gained considerable weight. It was a horrible feeling- like a punch in the stomach. I could tell by my body that i had gained so i just should have stayed away srom the scale but i just HAD to know. It's that morbid curiosity. But that much? In one day? How on earth am I going to "take it easy" until my dr appt next monday!?
All of this was swirling through my head as i got on the treadmill and cranked up my ipod. And i started out, fully intending a mild stroll, but then I just had thhis flash of anger course through my body and i JUST GOT MAD! Mad that I couldnt excercise! Mad that, for once, I had done what I was supposed to do, and now I was paying for it with emotional pain and discomfort. And i just thought "screw it" and started running. Yeah, i know, i have about the emotional sophistication of a two year old. And i was just reading my post from yesterday, and all those good, healthy thoughts i was having about recovery, and now i feel really bad. I just dont understand myself sometimes. I want recovery so bad, yet i balk every time it gets hard or I feel uncomfortable!
In other news, we are going to Ames friday to look at some apartments and i am kind of excited about that. It will be nice to know where we are going to move and exactly when and stuff like that. I have never been to Ames before, and we are taking Emma out of school to come with us, so it should be a fun road trip.

Thought I Was Doing Really Good, But...

Things are all messed up. Last night I had a really fun trip to the ER with sypmtoms of some kind on heart problem. Turns out my potassium was low. But i have been doing pretty good with the purging, so the doctor thinks its all the excercise, which i admit has been a bit excessive. But here's the tricky part- my potassium was low, but he didnt want to give me an iv or any pills; instead he told he to go home and "eat potassium rich foods, like bannanas and potatoes". Ok, this is a problem for me, becuase i tend to purge just about every "food" i eat, which is why i drink the Boost, and I told the doc this, so he said " well, double the Boost. And no excercising.". So I was left to go home and freak out about how am I supposed to increase my intake while decreasing my excercise HEY DOC IF I COULD DO THAT I BET I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS STUPID EATING DISORDER! Well, i woke up today feeling stressed out and hella fat and bloated and so far have purged twice today which is pretty much the oposite of raising my pottasium. So i was happy that i had an appointment with Corey, but it ended up being one of those sessions that made me feel more deppressed and hopeless. And confused. Corey thinks I can still exercise, like walking and lifting weights. So I am tempted to go do it tommorrow. Just walking, nothing big. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on monday to get my potassium rechecked and maybe me will give me some potassium supplements. I have a feeling that i keep spelling potassium wrong. Anyways. It seems like once i get a handle on one pertt of my ed, another part gets out of control. I thought i was doing so good, not purging and everything, when the whole time i was also in denial about overexercising and restricting. So now i have to face that, While still trying to not binge or purge. It's just all too much sometimes. While i was talking about this stuff in Corey's office, i had this mental image of myself just going home and crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and hiding from it all. Cause thats what i feel like doing. But i have to keep going, keep trying, hoping something works. I have to do it forr my girls. They are the light of my life and my inspiration. The other day, Emma and i were talking about things we were afraid of. she said that the thing she was most afraid of was me dying. That really has given me something to think about; to my girls, i am everything. If they lost me, their lives would be affected forever. I can't let that happen. So....I will cool it on the excercise. I will try to find a way to increase my intake without freaking out and purging. I will treat myself with love and respect, so i can be a good example to my girlies. Cause i sure wouldn't want either of them doing this to themselves. It would break my heart.