Thursday, June 10, 2010

It's messing with me

So here are the positives: I don't even remember the last time I purged. It has been several weeks. I think I have only purged two or three times since I was in the hospital, which was like 2 months ago. That's freaking awesome! And I have been eating things like pizza, ice cream, burgers, cake, ect. So it's not like I have been sticking to safe foods.

So.....why have I been losing weight? Trust me, its not my metabolism. I have never been one of those people who could just eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I had my appointment with Dr. Sean today and he ordered some labs to check my thyroid and some other stuff. He also thought it could be anxiety, or maybe I am losing weight because I am not taking the risperdal anymore. I am going to see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.

Which brings me to the negatives: While I did not lose weight on purpose this time, it has triggered some ED thoughts. Thought #1 is that I have to lose more weight by the next time I see the Dr.. Thought #2 is that I can't gain back the weight I have lost so far. It seems that simply losing a few pounds, accidently, has given Ed a bit of a toehold in my life.

I know I need to fight these thoughts. I don't need to lose any more weight. I am still ok right now, but if I lost any more it would not be healthy. I want to have a good summer and not be sick and weak all the time. I may feel sick to my stomache most of the time from the anxiety, so it is important that when I do feel like I can eat I need to eat high energy (calorie) foods so I can stay on top of this. It is so tempting to skip meals when I don't feel like eating anyway, but the thought of my family sitting down to dinner without me is just too sad, so I just keep on forcing myself to eat. I want to be healthy. I want to get through this rough patch. Recovery is not without challenges; hopefully this is just a bump in the road.

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