All is not well in Lisa Land. The past few days I have been so stressed out about money/planning Annie's birthday party/Chris struggling in school/Chris and I not getting along/feeling lonely/my health/blah blah blah whine whine whine. It seems like I am always worrying about something and even when I am not, I have this feeling of anxiety and dread that never goes away. My therapist calls it "generalized anxiety". I call it "lack of Xanax". Ok, ok, I'm pretty much joking. I know that stuff isn't good for me. I'm just trying to cope on my own and make it through each day as it comes and especially not use my eating disorder. Sometimes this has been hard.
Like today, for instance. Today was hella stressful and I really, really wanted to purge after dinner. But I went for a walk instead. I can't remember the last time I made myself throw up, and that's the way I like it.
I kind of need to find a scale though, one of these days. My feel like I have lost some weight lately and the thing is, I haven't been trying to lose weight and have even been eating waaay more than I ever have in recovery (except when I was in IP). Plus I am super tired all the time and I still have the itchy skin. I typed my symptoms into this symptom checker thingy online and it said I could possibly have diabetes or lukemia. Ok I know this is way far-fetched but it totally freaked me out. I started imagining what it would be like for my girls to grow up without me and I got all worked up and basically I need to CHILL! The first thing I need to do is figure out if I actually have lost weight. After all, I have been praying for God to help my body image. So maybe I haven't lost weight but am just starting to see myself as I really am. Wouldn't that be nice? Anyways, after I get an accurate weight I will decide whether or not to see the doctor.
When I opened up the laptop I noticed Emma's watermelon gum is stuck to the screen. Guess who is grounded from the computer.....
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago