I think I have whined a little bit in a previous post about my chest pain that I have been having for a few weeks. At first I thought it was heartburn, so I have been taking prilosec, but the pain has only been getting worse. The past week it has been constant. I have just been biding my time until my doctors appointment next week, worrying about what could be causing such pain in my chest. I have imagined esophageal cancer, lung cancer, some kind of heart condition, ect.. I have been heavy hearted, thinking about my kids growing up without a mom, wondering why I have wasted so much of my life focused on food and weight, and not experiencing life and valuing my family more.
So anyways, I took the girls on an impromptu camping trip on wed. it was lots of fun (I will write a post about it and include pics) but it seemed like the exertion made the pain worse. On the way home yesterday I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to be sick. I was really scared, thinking I was having some sort of medical emergency. When we got home I had Chris drive me to the dr's.. I felt really bad for the girls, they were so tired from camping and just wanted to rest, but they had to come hang out in the waiting room while I was examined, had a chest x ray and ekg. I was so scared.
The Dr. came in and told me that my heart and lungs were fine. He is diagnosed me with costochondritis, which is an inflamation of the cartilage around the ribs and sternum. It is very painful but NOT dangerous and usually resolves itself in a couple of weeks. He said it is most common in women 20-40 for some reason and usually has no known cause, but sometimes is brought on by chest trauma. Rest helps, and exertion makes it worse (gee, 3 days of camping, hauling gear, doing everything myself since Chris couldn't come, no wonder I was in so much pain yeasterday!). So I am going to take it easy and take the naproxin the dr gave me, which has already started to help.
So back to the title of the post: I love costochondritis because it means that I don't have all of the terrible things I was imagining, I don't have to start planning my funeral, I WILL LIVE! But this whole thing has made me think about how no one is guaranteed one more day on this planet, and we need to hold our loved ones close and make every second count! How many years did I spend making myself sick on purpose? It's just sad.
I think maybe the last part of my eating disorder died last week. As I thought back over my life this week, my biggest regret was the time I spent in the eating disorder. I know that some day I WILL be facing death (although hopefully not for a long time) and I want to be happy with the way I lived my life.
I still have body image issues. I still struggle with depression and anxiety. But I will find a way to manage without the ED.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago