I had therapy today and it sucked. Kim and I talked about my desperate need to "not feel anything". I try to maintain a sort of stasis and if anything messes with that I get major anxiety. Things I can't tolerate without major anxiety: being hot, being cold, feeling wind, any sort of ache or pain, running or splashing water, too much noise, running, feeling too hungry or too full, and, unfortunately, sex. Also clothes that don't "feel right" and sheets and blankets that are the wrong texture. Hmm, can't really think of anything else right now, but you get the picture.
I have been this way for awhile, but have only recently been able to define my anxiety and it's triggers. Things are starting to make a bit more sense to me, in term of why I have an eating disorder and more generally why i function the way that I do. I do anything to avoid feelings, both emotional and physical, because this makes me feels safe. I do not trust that I can experience feelings and handle them and not be overcome. To me, feelings are scarry and unpredictable.
I do wonder, though, why I group physical and emotional feelings together. Why do physical feelings freak me out so bad? Is it because they remind me that I have a body that I cannot control? Is it because they remind me that I exist, that I live and breathe in a world that is often threatening and unsafe?
This is some heavy stuff for me to ponder. And as it so happens, my therapist will be gone for awhile and my next appointment with her is not until June 12, which seems like an eternity.
Here's a bit of irony. As I am blogging this, my girls are watching "Care Bears: the Land Without Feelings".
Posting from the sky
1 month ago