Monday, June 14, 2010

feeee-eeee-eeelings

I had therapy today and it sucked. Kim and I talked about my desperate need to "not feel anything". I try to maintain a sort of stasis and if anything messes with that I get major anxiety. Things I can't tolerate without major anxiety: being hot, being cold, feeling wind, any sort of ache or pain, running or splashing water, too much noise, running, feeling too hungry or too full, and, unfortunately, sex. Also clothes that don't "feel right" and sheets and blankets that are the wrong texture. Hmm, can't really think of anything else right now, but you get the picture.

I have been this way for awhile, but have only recently been able to define my anxiety and it's triggers. Things are starting to make a bit more sense to me, in term of why I have an eating disorder and more generally why i function the way that I do. I do anything to avoid feelings, both emotional and physical, because this makes me feels safe. I do not trust that I can experience feelings and handle them and not be overcome. To me, feelings are scarry and unpredictable.

I do wonder, though, why I group physical and emotional feelings together. Why do physical feelings freak me out so bad? Is it because they remind me that I have a body that I cannot control? Is it because they remind me that I exist, that I live and breathe in a world that is often threatening and unsafe?

This is some heavy stuff for me to ponder. And as it so happens, my therapist will be gone for awhile and my next appointment with her is not until June 12, which seems like an eternity.

Here's a bit of irony. As I am blogging this, my girls are watching "Care Bears: the Land Without Feelings".

7 comments:

Keely said...

The care bear irony made me laugh. Perhaps you should watch it with them. (he he he) :) Did you mean your next appt is July 12th? Do you have resources to use until she gets back?

Telstaar said...

I understand so much of what you've written here. It's problematic because the CFS plays havoc with so many body systems that some of it isn't easily controllable but sure does trigger other things like anxiety. I wish I knew how to fix it, I would DEFINITELY let you in on the secret... for me though, I know I struggle a lot more when I don't know how to make those feelings STOP and when I don't know if they'll end....

I'm thinking of you and praying xox

lisalisa said...

yeah I meant july 12.....:)

Amber Rochelle said...

I can relate to the lumping of physical & emotional feelings...I'm not sure why either, but I really didn't even think about it until you mentioned it. Hmmmm. I wish you the best this month when your therapist is gone. Do you have a list of coping strategies you can use?...or someone to call as a back-up if needed? Take care of yourself.

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Jen Daisybee said...

I seem to do a similar thing with physical and emotional feelings. I saw on someone's comment that you may have CFS? I haven't been reading your blog very long, but I was diagnosed with CFS about 15 years ago. At the present time, I have a diagnosis of Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, Fibromyalgia, and Sjogren's Syndrome, for the physical part, and Schizoaffective Disorder for the psychiatric. Though I did also have an ED for a number of years that wreaked havoc on my life and may very well be the cause of my physical problems, or at least part of it.

Anyway, I think sometimes when people feel out of control over their own lives, their bodies, their thoughts, their feelings, they do find obsessive compulsive ways of trying to feel in control, and not just with eating disorders, but it seems also with OCD, and for me there are other obsessive thoughts that seem to have morphed out of my former anorexia battle. I get intrusive thoughts a lot. It's hard to deal with them.

I hope that you do well this month, without your therapist, and that you pat yourself on the back for being so insightful into your problems.

Angela said...

Have you heard of sensory processing disorder? Your symptoms sound very similar. I definitely use my eating disorder to avoid feelings. It is such a great distraction, unfortunately. I hope that you are able to sort it out in your head and have it make sense. Take care:)