happy new year

ok, so i am having a really positive attitude, or am trying to have, but the behaviors are reallly slow in coming around. I did really well the llast day of december- no purging! yay me! But yesterday and today, after a promising start bolth days, i ended up hitting the toilet. and its been over stupid stuff, too. Like feeling too full aafter a salad or having just a few hersheyes kisses. and the real killer is that bolth times its been within anhour or ttwwo after taking my pristiq, which is the new antideppressent that i have been pinning all my hopes on. But how is it going to work if i keep throwing it up. I feel like such a failure and am getting really discougaged. i mean, i want to get better so so badly. I wish i had the money to hire a private duty psych nurse whose only job was to hang with me and keep me from throwing up. But like that is going to happen. i keep trying to stick to foods that are safe, as in thay wont make me feel threatened and i wont want to throw up. but lately a new layer has been added to my illness- the feeling of fullness makes ke want to purge. Even if it is just carrots or salad or something. So i feel like nourishing myself is practically impossible. I f anyonee has any suggestions, please post a comment here or on my facebook. sorry about all the food talk! i am just really feeling alone and hopeless. Oh, and things are not going well on the benzo front, either. I told the doc that the klonipin wasnt working well so he gave me a prescription for lorazepam. i went ahead and refilled the klonipin anyway, so now i have bolth. i am pretty much taking them around the clock and while my anxiety is doing better i know deep down this is not how i am supposed to be using them and this is what i used to do with the xanax that got me into trouble. I am already having blackouts and problems with my memory wich is a bad sign. i am afraid to tell anyone because i feel so fragile and dont want my meds to be taken away and still hope i can get to a point where i can manage them effecctively.
I other news, i am really looking forward to this weekend! Chris and i are going to the amana colonies this weekend- no kids. we have a 2 room zacuuzi suite at a bed and breakfest and are going out to eat at all the authentic german resteraunts and shopping at all the boutiques! i am so excited. Historicaly, my ed has been able to go on hiatus for special occasions so i hope this will be the case. And i am not takin ANY benzos with me- i see nothing but fun for this weekend with no need to block any of it out, and i want all mt memories intact! So im not even leaving them as an option. i am feeling really good about that. And, maybe a benzo free weekend eill help me get that whole situation under control. Well, wish me luck! Please leave comments so i know you were here, either here or on facebook. it means alot to me that someone would read this! Love you all!