Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm really trying

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. Even last year, when I was in a depression that was so bad I was considering having ECT (shock treatment) again, Christmas was the highlight of my year. It gave me a much needed reprieve, weeks of happiness and excitement and "warm fuzzy" feelings. Its like a magical time when my anxiety and depression doesn't exist and all is right with the world.

Not this year, though. I keep waiting, but so far I'm just not feeling it. Usually I am so excited about Christmas, anticipating it, but also hoping it doesn't come too soon. Savoring every moment of the season. This year it is feeling like just one more thing I have to get through. All the seasonal activities that I usually enjoy now feel like chores. Usually by this time I have baked dozens of varieties of cookies and candies. This year, not so much. I have done a little baking, but it has been like everything else in my life these days; I have had to psych myself up for it and talk myself through it.

Maybe my standards are too high. I need to stop comparing this year to Christmas in the past, and appreciate it for what it is.

I am trying really hard though. I mean, I haven't just been laying around saying "poor me, I'm so depressed". I know even if I'm not into it, the girls still need a Christmas. We have driven around and looked at Christmas lights. We made our popcorn string for the tree, gingerbread men, and a gingerbread house. We do the advent calender every night. The house is decorated, and most of the time I have Christmas music playing.

I know I whine alot on this blog, but I really am not trying to let anxiety and depression take over my everyday life. I'm doing my best to push through and do the things I need to do to be a good wife and mom. I guess I'm just dissappointed that the mental illness has cast a cloud over the holiday season, which is usually a happy time for me.

On a side note, our gingerbread house this year was our best one yet. I tried to upload some pictures but blogger was being weird. I will try again later.



Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

You don't whine a lot on this blog, plus remember - this is your blog and you have the right to write whatever you want! You actually have been doing really well and have been very inspiring to me!!!

About Christmas-I've been feeling the same way. Usually I start singing Christmas carols around November, and I really get into the lights and decorating and the feeling of waiting for the Christ child. This year I feel kind of numb about the whole thing. I think it's because last year I was doing so well in recovery, I was at a healthy weight and I wasn't so afraid of food. I also think there is so much pressure to have the "perfect" Christmas, all of us are bound to feel a little let down and those of us with mental illnesses perhaps struggle with this more because Christmas can be a bright spot in the midst of our struggle, and when it isn't, it feels bad. (I hope I'm making sense, but remember I'm the Victorian heroine fainting and swooning, ha ha!)

Anyway, snuggle close to your children and your husband and remember they are the most important part of Christmas - being with them.

*Hugs* and stay well - I know you can.

Eating Alone said...

You need to get over it. Whinning on your blog is ALLOWED!!! Heck it's one of the main reasons I started mine.

Also not every thing needs to be a Martha Stewart Christmas, so be nice to yourself.

Lisa said...

This is YOUR blog. whine all you want and I don't think you whine at all. I think you are very honest and that is very courageous.

I think it's great that you have had some sort of holiday spirit. Sometimes I wish I have had some experience. I work christmas and christmas eve this year

Also....the fact that you're REALLY TRYING is what matters :)

Hang in there. I BELIEVE in you


Sairs said...

I think it sounds like you've done and awesome job so far to get what you have done done. Yes, you can whine on here, it's your blog, you're allowed :-) I'm sorry that Christmas isn't the same this year, maybe that is still to come, don't give up yet. It might just be late coming. Be gentle with yourself.

Zena said...

(((hugs )))) Lisa, I know exactly how you feel, Im doing all the christmas things, just not feeling it, fake til you make I suppose, I think you are doing great, you had a stressful year and things have been hard, but they are getting better and will continue to do so, hold close to those you love and love you. And for gods sake if your not allowed to whine on ones blog I should just shut mine down, its ALL I seem to do, you however dont whine to much so keep up with the writting, venting its your blog and you can whine, cry, vent, and struggle through all you want, you will come out on top, totally know it, Love you.