Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. Even last year, when I was in a depression that was so bad I was considering having ECT (shock treatment) again, Christmas was the highlight of my year. It gave me a much needed reprieve, weeks of happiness and excitement and "warm fuzzy" feelings. Its like a magical time when my anxiety and depression doesn't exist and all is right with the world.
Not this year, though. I keep waiting, but so far I'm just not feeling it. Usually I am so excited about Christmas, anticipating it, but also hoping it doesn't come too soon. Savoring every moment of the season. This year it is feeling like just one more thing I have to get through. All the seasonal activities that I usually enjoy now feel like chores. Usually by this time I have baked dozens of varieties of cookies and candies. This year, not so much. I have done a little baking, but it has been like everything else in my life these days; I have had to psych myself up for it and talk myself through it.
Maybe my standards are too high. I need to stop comparing this year to Christmas in the past, and appreciate it for what it is.
I am trying really hard though. I mean, I haven't just been laying around saying "poor me, I'm so depressed". I know even if I'm not into it, the girls still need a Christmas. We have driven around and looked at Christmas lights. We made our popcorn string for the tree, gingerbread men, and a gingerbread house. We do the advent calender every night. The house is decorated, and most of the time I have Christmas music playing.
I know I whine alot on this blog, but I really am not trying to let anxiety and depression take over my everyday life. I'm doing my best to push through and do the things I need to do to be a good wife and mom. I guess I'm just dissappointed that the mental illness has cast a cloud over the holiday season, which is usually a happy time for me.
On a side note, our gingerbread house this year was our best one yet. I tried to upload some pictures but blogger was being weird. I will try again later.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago