Monday, December 27, 2010

wishful drinking.....oops I mean thinking, did I say drinking? My bad!

I know I haven't posted about my Christmas yet but my funky awful mood that I am currently in precludes that.

I feel crappy. And anxious. And....listless? Fat? Bored? I dont know.

I want a drink really really bad. I have already gone through the house and checked all the baking extracts and mouthwash. No luck. And no, I haven't even considered the hand sanitizer. The thought gives me the shivvvvvvers.

To be clear, I AM NOT AN ALOCOHOLIC (and I'm not in denial). My therapist agrees with me on this one. She believes I was misdiagnosed and mislabled and victimized by a DHS social worker on a power trip. I tend to agree.


My husband is vehemently anti-alcohol. Plus, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an alcoholic. My first clue was 3 years ago when he committed me to alcohol treatment. Said treatment lasted a whole 5 days because, as I said, I am not an alcoholic. We pretty much ran out of alcohol-related issues for me to address (duh I drank a total of 5 times in a two month period) so they discharged me to outpatient.

Ok, ok, so it wasn't really the frequency of my drinking that concerned people. I think it was the dumb-assed choices I made while drinking. And I guess my choices of alcohol werent exactly normal. Hand sanitizer, Bath and Body Works body spray, and vanilla extract aren't your typical cocktail hour choices. Ok maybe I did have some issues. But they were mostly my religious and social guilt about drinking, so I couldn't just pour myself a glass of wine and have a drink like a normal person. Chugging a bottle of vanilla extract in my apartment parking lot feels pretty dysfunctional. But I was desperate, experiencing untreated Xanax withdrawal, just trying to get rid of "that feeling".

Which brings me back to tonight. I'm having "that feeling" again. The one I would do nearly anything to get rid of. Yes, I would love a drink right now.

But the think is, my therapist and I have talked about scenarios in which I could imagine myself drinking appropriately. They include: dinner with friends (except not if my husband is there because he would be uncomfortable), dinner with family (well maybe not), and......I guess that's it. But drinking due to stress or to treat mental illness is definately not on the list. Nor is drinking in my house or around my husband. Sigh.

Geez I would really love to be wasted right now. But I guess that's not in the cards for tonight. I just freaking hate feeling like this!!!!!!!!



Keely said...

I know that feeling. I wish I had something to tell you that would cure it. I remember Espra saying that when you start recovery (not that you're just starting recovery or an alcoholic, etc. I just think it's a good saying) nothing feels as good as the eating disorder feels. And I think that's true for a lot of things. I always hated it when people suggested "take a bubble bath" or something like that because it felt like they were minimizing it AND bubble baths don't even begin to meet the complexity of my problem or offer any real support. But actually, a couple things do help just a little bit (just enough to get me through it for a while). Talking on the phone with someone and watching a movie with popcorn makes me feel a little better. I hope you find something (positive :) that can take the edge off. (hug)

Sairs said...

I know that feeling too but I usually have some medication I can take that is not addictive. I know how hard it is to sit in that feeling but I think if you can do anything other than act on those thoughts in any way, you'd be so proud of yourself. I hate it too when people say have a bath or a hot shower, it doesn't take the feeling away. I agree with Keely, can you call someone, even a helpline if you can't find anyone else. Just talking about it helps me so much. At the end I can feel the level has decreased to a functional level. I hope you feel better soon.

I Hate to Weight said...

how did you get thru the night? i know the feeling, very well.

when i'm in that place, the thing that helps me the most is communicating with someone. and being heard. could you have told chris how you were feeling?

i also try to ground myself in the environment around me. i close my eyes and feel the ground beneathe my feet, the chair behind my back, my hands on the chair, my butt on the seat...

most important, i tell myself that it will pass, the anxiety won't kill me, time will pass and i'll be okay.

i don't know if any of that will help you, but i've learned with practise and repetition, it's helping me.

hope you're doing well today, lisa

Sarah said...

Aw, I quite enjoyed this post. You do write very well.
But yeah, the main thing is that you keep in mind that negative thoughts WILL pass, and find something to distract you.

Tia said...

^ditto. i love your writing. IT's real, eloquent and I feel like I "know" you :)
And the title of this post - too funny!!! I hope you had a great Cmas Love, Dietcolagirl Tia

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Please be careful. I don't want you going through what I am, and if your husband is concerned...Just be mindful what you do impacts him, too. Your craving does sound strong, but I don't think you're an alcoholic. I think you are looking for something to get rid of the anxiety. But any substance can be harmful if abused.

Call me if you need to talk; that could help. :) My number is on my Facebook profile.

Stay safe.

bananas said...

Well we talked about this over fb chat but just wanted to echo... I so understand this. It's really hard. Hang tight, sister. :)

bananas said...

Oh, and no, you are not an alcoholic. In my uh, professional opinion. :)

i love bows:) said...

how the heck did that make you an alcoholic??!! madness.i had docs on power trips. you must be fed up with hearing it, but i get where you are coming from. 'that feeling' is like an itch you are desperate to scratch. I drink far too much sometimes, in a bingey way, and my team know about it. they also rekon its th lesser of two evils-cos mostly when that happens, its a way of avoiding self harm. catch 22 or what. it takes the need to SI away, well for a bit anyway. and sometimes, thats worth anything in the world. sometimes i think im never going to be recovered, just switching one for another- if the Edc gets better, then SI gets worse, and i drink sometimes to deal with both. I hope your ok, and im thinking of you. it makes me think of something a CPN said to me once- that she'd much rather i had a glass of wine to de stress if needed than other ways-its all such a farce!!!

take care chicky xxx