As you know I was kind of on-the-fence considering the slimfast. But after doing some thinking I have decided to not diet. This doesn't mean I won't in the future. It just means that right now, I feel like giving myself a chance.
Since today was a snow day I fired up the waffle iron and made breakfast. And I wanted to sit down with Chris and the girls and eat waffles with them, not a shake. When it came time for lunch I made chicken noodle soup (canned but I added more chicken and carrots) and I considered the fact that the soup probably had the same amount of calories as the shake. So why not eat the "real" food. So I did.
As I was working in the kitchen and listening to my girls play and thinking how much I love them and our little family I thought about how I wanted another child some day. I started thinking about how this wouldn't be possible if I wasn't healthy. I just had this feeling too that the feeling in the house is not the same when I'm into my ED. There is not the same feeling of warmth and harmony. I don't know if the rest of the family feels the negativity when I am sick, but I sure do.
Of course, I still HATE my body. Yuck.
I keep going back and forth. I wish I was one of those people who was naturally thin. Then I could be recovered and still love my body. I guess people with naturally perfect bodies are rare (and possibly airbrushed) and I should just try to accept what I have. And be greatful for it.
After all, what I have works. I was able to go out in the deep snow and pull annie around in her sled. And help Emma dig a snowfort. My stomach is not perfectly flat, but my girls don't care. They just care that I am there for them, am not too tired to play. That I'm present and tuned into their world, not just wrapped up in my own.
And my husband always tells me I'm beautiful.
Why am I not good enough for myself?
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago