Wednesday, December 9, 2009

thoughts on food and self

As you know I was kind of on-the-fence considering the slimfast. But after doing some thinking I have decided to not diet. This doesn't mean I won't in the future. It just means that right now, I feel like giving myself a chance.

Since today was a snow day I fired up the waffle iron and made breakfast. And I wanted to sit down with Chris and the girls and eat waffles with them, not a shake. When it came time for lunch I made chicken noodle soup (canned but I added more chicken and carrots) and I considered the fact that the soup probably had the same amount of calories as the shake. So why not eat the "real" food. So I did.

As I was working in the kitchen and listening to my girls play and thinking how much I love them and our little family I thought about how I wanted another child some day. I started thinking about how this wouldn't be possible if I wasn't healthy. I just had this feeling too that the feeling in the house is not the same when I'm into my ED. There is not the same feeling of warmth and harmony. I don't know if the rest of the family feels the negativity when I am sick, but I sure do.

Of course, I still HATE my body. Yuck.

I keep going back and forth. I wish I was one of those people who was naturally thin. Then I could be recovered and still love my body. I guess people with naturally perfect bodies are rare (and possibly airbrushed) and I should just try to accept what I have. And be greatful for it.

After all, what I have works. I was able to go out in the deep snow and pull annie around in her sled. And help Emma dig a snowfort. My stomach is not perfectly flat, but my girls don't care. They just care that I am there for them, am not too tired to play. That I'm present and tuned into their world, not just wrapped up in my own.

And my husband always tells me I'm beautiful.

Why am I not good enough for myself?


Lisa said...

That voice that tells us we're not good enough, that we need to work harder, that we need to be thinner and stronger and BETTER ... that voice does more damage than anything else can. said...

Oh, good for you! You are a strong person! Your rational voice won out and that is wonderful. It's fine to be hesitant about your decision - so no worries that you may not be feeling totally sure that dieting is the wrong choice. But, deep down, you know it is the wrong choice. Maybe, in this situation, it'd be helpful to try to not think and just DO. Don't try to remember why dieting is bad... just don't' diet and save the thinking for later, when your brain is more capable of coming to the right conclusion more easily. Does that make sense?

Remember the whole thing about healthy people making others healthier? You're doing that for your girls by choosing not to diet.