Tuesday, December 15, 2009

crap day

lost a crown eating home made toffee. Ate more toffee to console myself. Ate candy instead of lunch. purged dinner and ate more candy. Now have a mouth full of sores, unfinished dental work, and crown-less tooth stump thing.

Took the van to the shop and found out it needs $450- 500 dollars worth of work. burst into tears- uncontrollable sobbing in the car as Chris drove around getting estimates and Annie strapped in the car seat said anxiously "its ok mommy dont cry".

Became wailing and hysterical as I could not find a reciept for some presents that I had to take back since we cannot afford them. Sensed imminent psychological meltdown and dosed self with some extra seroquel. Retreated to my room muttering incoherently. Emerged half hour later and curled up on the couch, clutching my stuffed rabbit and listening to religious music.

Responses to my children today swung between complete nonresponsiveness and shouting. Am a horrible mother. Good thing Chris was here.

Fat. Failure. Evil.

Tomorrow morning at 8 I get to take the Xanax and get some dental work done. I think it will be the highlight of the week.



Eating Alone said...

Not a failure, not evil. HUMAN! You had a bunch of stuff shoved on you and your ED was acting up.

Just calm down and do what you need to. The car is more important than a present.

Zena said...

YOU are a GREAT mom!!!You are far from a failure you have overcome more then any one person should have had to...but remember you have overcome it. So you have to return some gifts...I know I know we want to give our kids the best christmas we can but sometimes life circumstances impact what we had intended to do...but let us not forget christmas is not about gifts it is about christ...that is our eternal gift...you can and are sharing that gift with your children and that is a gift that will last a lifetime! I and I know others including your dear Chris would not agree with your thoughts that are so self depricating I will not even repeat...just know they are NOT true! I know I have told you this many times but you dont deserve the crap you put on yourself. God has greater plans for you and I can assure you they do not include the self torture you put on yourself! You will perservere through this with a message of hope and healing...I believe in you, now you just need to believe in yourself. I think now is a time where we can take solace in the love that god has for us...remember the ultimate gift he gave us. You are good and worthy of all the world has to offer. take of yourself...please...

and as a side note I hope your dental work went well I just finished 2 months of dental work (6000 dollars) all due to the damage Ed did to me...or if I am taking responsibility I did to me...sigh...let it be a reminder Ed is not worth the pain he causes us! Stay strong dear Lisa...you are worth it!!

with love and care and peace,