ok I am freaking out/not happy at all. If anyone has been reading my blog for awhile do you remember when I was seeing a dietitian last spring and decided to gain some weight so I could be healthier? Well, we decided on a number that was within a healthy range but was not too high and wouldn't freak me out too bad. But it was definitaly THE LIMIT for me as far as how high I wanted to go.
I am now 10 POUNDS higher then that weight!!!!!
SO two possibilities come to mind-
1) That weight was too low to be realistic
2) i am a gross! "gross" is putting it mildly. I did not write on here all the really nasty things I have been thinking about myself lately.
And the thing is, I dont really eat that much. And, I go to the gym regularly! So, i saw Dr Sean yesterday and talked with him about it and he thinks it is some of my meds causeing the weight gain. Particularly the seroquel and the risperdal. He said that even if I were eating a lower-than-average number of calories, a number that most people would lose on, my body could still possibly gain. This absolutely horrified me! I hate the feeling that I have no control over my body and could not lose weight even if I chose to!
Since i am stable, Dr. S said he wants to see me in 3 weeks and then if I was still doing well he would discuss tapering down on those meds.
In the meantime I have decided to go on slimfast. Dun dun dun. I know, I know, this kind of goes against everything I am trying to be about! And I am thinking about all of my blog posts about being brave, sticking with recovery, accepting my body, taking care of myself, not giving up, ect. I'm just not feeling brave right now. I am feeling miseable. And, I don't think I am giving up on recovery. I just want to lose the extra weight I gained. That's it.
It was alot easier to be brave and feel positive about recovery back when I was at the "acceptable" healthy weight. I guess maybe I don't have what it takes to be recovered "no matter what". As in, I will stay in recovery even if I get heavy. Maybe I dont have what it takes.
I don't know. Let me know what you think (although please try not to be too scathing :) ).
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago