Once again, I had a lovely Christmas.
This post is not about Christmas. This post is about my eating disorder, which is out of control. It was never really under control, but things have gotten worse over the holidays. I have been bingeing and purging several times a day for the last week or so. Before that I just binged and purged about once a day every other day or so, or maybe 3 times a week. For me that is pretty good.
I am trying to figure out the increase in bingeing and purging. I think there are several factors at play. For one thing, there has been SO MUCH FOOD around. I do not handle having easy access to to a large variety of snacky or deserty type foods well. I tend to want to taste everything RIGHT NOW!!! Maybe it's from years of restricting, or from being deprived of junk foods as a kid, but I just don't trust that the food will be there later if I want it. When the food is in the house it is all I can think of until it is eaten.
Another thing is, I am not really holding myself accountable for my behaviors right now. I haven't wanted to "be too hard on myself" because after all, "it's the holidays. My ed always gets bad on the holidays, so why fight it.". To be honest though, I wasnt really trying that hard before the holidays, either. Like in therapy. I see the therapist twice a week but we don't usually talk about my ED. We talk about stuff from the past, and my depression, and my relationships with my husband and kids, and stuff like that. All of that is really important, but if I am purging several times a day, I am wondering if we should put the other stuff on hold for a bit to get the ED back in line. part of this is my fault. i need to speak up. I tend to downplay the severity of my ED as long as I am at a healthy weight. It's almost like I am embarrassed to bring it up.
A month or so I got a referral to a dietitian, but my insurance would not cover it. The hospital had a financial aid program, but it would only cover 2 visits. Oh well I thought I'll take what I can get. But when I got the financial aid application I was overwhelmed with it because they wanted all this information and tax returns and bank statements ect ect and I just said "screw it" and didn't do it. I don't know.
I haven't seen my therapist in awhile cause of the holidays but when things get back to normal I will have to address all of this. If anybody has any advice, I would love to hear it.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago