Sunday, December 27, 2009

out of control

Once again, I had a lovely Christmas.

This post is not about Christmas. This post is about my eating disorder, which is out of control. It was never really under control, but things have gotten worse over the holidays. I have been bingeing and purging several times a day for the last week or so. Before that I just binged and purged about once a day every other day or so, or maybe 3 times a week. For me that is pretty good.

I am trying to figure out the increase in bingeing and purging. I think there are several factors at play. For one thing, there has been SO MUCH FOOD around. I do not handle having easy access to to a large variety of snacky or deserty type foods well. I tend to want to taste everything RIGHT NOW!!! Maybe it's from years of restricting, or from being deprived of junk foods as a kid, but I just don't trust that the food will be there later if I want it. When the food is in the house it is all I can think of until it is eaten.

Another thing is, I am not really holding myself accountable for my behaviors right now. I haven't wanted to "be too hard on myself" because after all, "it's the holidays. My ed always gets bad on the holidays, so why fight it.". To be honest though, I wasnt really trying that hard before the holidays, either. Like in therapy. I see the therapist twice a week but we don't usually talk about my ED. We talk about stuff from the past, and my depression, and my relationships with my husband and kids, and stuff like that. All of that is really important, but if I am purging several times a day, I am wondering if we should put the other stuff on hold for a bit to get the ED back in line. part of this is my fault. i need to speak up. I tend to downplay the severity of my ED as long as I am at a healthy weight. It's almost like I am embarrassed to bring it up.

A month or so I got a referral to a dietitian, but my insurance would not cover it. The hospital had a financial aid program, but it would only cover 2 visits. Oh well I thought I'll take what I can get. But when I got the financial aid application I was overwhelmed with it because they wanted all this information and tax returns and bank statements ect ect and I just said "screw it" and didn't do it. I don't know.

I haven't seen my therapist in awhile cause of the holidays but when things get back to normal I will have to address all of this. If anybody has any advice, I would love to hear it.


Eating Alone said...

Sorry kido you have to talk about this purging with the therapist NOW!!! This is very dangerous. It has nothing to do with weight. This can deplete your electrolights, cause heart problems. You might gag when doing it and choke to death on your own vomit, if your using something to make you vomit - a mechanical device it can get stuck, just so many bad things. This is VERY DANGEROUS and VERY SERIOUS! You need to get help NOW!!!

I like that you are not being too hard on yourself but you are not doing the right things either. You need to talk about this and get if fixed. Lot's of people die from this. What would you husban tell your kids in the years to come if that happened.

Yes this is a kick in the but. Several times a day can KILL YOU! I don't want you dead! You put up pretty pictures.

1st rule: DONT DIE!

I Hate to Weight said...

i'm sure you are very anxious.
anxiety and stress always lead me to binging and purging. this past week my jaws were always wanting to chomp.

is there anything that relaxes? how can you calm yourself?

along with calming the mind, can you gently quiet your eating, piece by piece.

can you pray about what does feel right for you.

i've wondered,from your writing, how it is with all that food around. i'd imagine it's very hard if you have kids.

does there need to be so much around? can the kids do projects other that making lots of cookies, etc?

as an alcoholic, i do find that i can put myself in situations around alcohol, when i don't have to. even though i don't drink, i think i still keep it close sometimes.

you're really brave, lisa. i hope you'll call your therapist, so you can get some support -- support you truly deserve

Keely said...

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. (hug) I know my ED used to be really bad around the holidays (thanksgiving, christmas). I think it's the whole obligatory family together-ness and when you don't have a strong support system with your family, it can be terrible. (I'm just talking about my family, not yours :) Plus the whole food around every corner thing. But even if its the holidays, you really need to keep up the hard work and fight this. When I let my eating disorder have a little room, it takes more because it can. (i.e. "The holidays are hard, I never do well on the holidays") because it will keep you stuck so you can never have a "good" holiday because you have yourself permission to do the same thing you've always done.

With financial forms, there should be a financial counselor/social worker that can help you with it. And I can TOTALLY relate to that. I really need financial aid for school, but just the thought of getting all my tax info and forms and filing stresses me I never fill it out. It's crazy because it could save me money and is probably more manageable than I think.

When you you meet with your therapist again? If they are in town, I would make an appt asap. You are worth it. :)

Alexandra Rising said...

Like "I Hate to Weight" said, I too wondered how hard it must have been to be around all that food. I find that the more food that is around, the more overwhelmed I feel.

I bet the holiday and all the extra food swimming around was a contributing factor. I think you are strong for allowing yourself to be around the food because it IS a challenge. You had a slip and that is okay. "Slips happen". Unfortunately, slips can turn in to lapses, so you've got to keep tabs on yourself. I know you how damaging purging is. And man, it's not fun, is it? No! Sometimes it offers a bit of relief from anxiety but afterward I think guilt tends to seep in.

I think you should tell your therapist. You deserve health. You do! I hope you will--not be tough on yourself, but--tell yourself, 'No. I can't do this. Why? Because I deserve better.'

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