I Hate To Weight asked me a few questions about my blood pressure and the gym. First thing: the blood pressure. I don't know what it has been running this week. I am going to the see Dr. S this afternoon so it will be taken then and also i can ask him about it. It could have just been high that time because I was nervous about seeing a personal trainer. Also I had some coffee that morning. But there is something that worries me. When i have been doing cardio (treadmill or eliptical) this week I keep getting lightheaded and nauseous. When It gets really bad I stop. No, wait that's not true. I usually still go for the full time I had planned on. But no worries, they have a defibrillator at the gym ;). Anyways, I am glad to be seeing the doctor today so I can ask him about it.
Second question is about what K would think of me joining the gym. I think she will be happy about it. At our last appt we talked about how I need some regular excercise to help out with my mood. And I do not have a history of overexercising. I went through a breif period last year of exercising nearly every day and not eating enough, but that was mostly driven by my relationship with Cory, my old T. He was a former bodybuilder and was always encouraging me to work out. He was like "if you have to be obsessed about something, why not be obsessed about being 'fit' and 'lean'". He used those two words alot. He would also tell me that when he was "reducing" he would only drink two bottles of Naked juice a day! Not the best thing to tell an eating disordered client. He was also very critical of overweight people. One time he told me that the saying "real women have curves" was just a rationalization that fat women use to feel better about themselves, and that runway models have the kind of curves that are attractive. Of course I just sat there agreeing with him because I'm a people pleaser and wanted his approval, but inside I was freaking out thinking "this is inappropriate he is full of it does he think I'm fat do I have supermodel curves!!!". The last straw as something that he said to my husband, but it bothered me so much that I just couldn't see him anymore. Chris was telling Cory about something he did that weekend and he said "it was tons of fun" and Cory said "kind of like a FAT LADY"! I gueaa Cory thought he was being funny but when I heard about it I was pretty uncomfortable. I think that fat jokes are inappropriate in any context, but I really would expect a therapist to be more evolved. So after that I just told him I needed to see someone else. I never had the guts to tell him why, or how much his comments triggered me. But after I switched therapists my overexercising magically disappeared.
Wow, I didn't mean to write so much about Cory. I guess I have alot of baggage there. I trusted him and relied on him to get me through some pretty hard times, and he was a really good therapist. but he ultimately betrayed my trust by his insensitive attitudes about food and weight. To be fair, he wasn't an ED therapist. But he should have known better anyway.
I think it is just a bad idea all around for me to see a male T. If a female therapist had said the things he said to me I probably would have talked to her about it or fired her right away. But I have this thing about men that I always have to please them and need them to approve of me. I don't know what the deal is. Anyways, I'm glad I have K right now. She is really good.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago