Sunday, October 11, 2009

hanging in there

I am way way way behind on everyone's blogs and am trying to get caught up today. Have been severely, severely deppressed and not functioning well. I put on some makeup today and cleaned the house and went to church, so I am feeling pretty accomplished.

I had an emergency appointment with Dr Sean this week regarding my deppression this week, but did not accomplish much. i had been tapering off the Trazodone, but he put me back up to 100 mgs in case that would help. We discussed a few different meds (Abilify, Lamictal, Lithium) but he said he doesn't like to make major changes when someone is doing bad. He wants to wait until I am stable.

We discussed ECT (electroconvulsive therapy aka shock treatments), which i have had before. I am almost desperate enough to do them again. But the only doctor in my town that does them does not take medicare/medicaid. I basically would have to be inpatient to get them covered (still do not understand this). But I am not willing to go IP as I am not suicidal (yet) and also could lose custody of Emma if her dad found out I was IP and not able to care for her.

Other options for ECT are the hospital in Iowa City (no way in hell) or going back to Waterloo to have my old doctor do them. I could stay with my inlaws. But I would have to wait until Chris' winter break, so her could be home to take care of the girls. So it looks like I am not going to be recieving the "electric cure" any time soon. Plus, do I really want to spend Chris' break in Waterloo getting shocked? I guess it will depend on how I am doing at that time.

My sister said something to me the other day that really hurt my feelings. I told her I was struggling with a major deppressive episode (against my better judgement) and she said "cant you just pray to the Lord about it?"! Ouch. Of course I pray about it! That's one of the only things that gets me through the day! But seriously, if I had Lupus or MS or any other chronic disease, she would not have said that to me. Why is there so much support and understanding for causes like cancer and HIV, but when you struggle with mental illness you are just expected to deal with it or get over it or something. Like when someone tells you "just think positive", that is another one of my favorites.

Sorry I am just whining and complaining.

6 comments: said...

I'm sorry things you've been depressed, Lisa. I hope that all the things that have helped you in the past can be helpful to you again now so that you can have some relief. Your sister really doesn't understand - which is very sad and unfortunate. Sometimes peoples' are just unable to be the people we want them to be able to be in a certain situation and it's hard when you get reminded of that. Your sister might not understand but there are so many people out there who do.

Thinking of you..

Keely said...

I hear ya. I hate those cliche's of "it always gets darker before the light" or something equally lame. I completely agree with you on not being supportive if someone has a mental illness. We don't tell our cancer patients "just pray about it and your cancer will go away." lame...

I Hate to Weight said...

give yourself major credit. while you're going thru this depression, you're taking care of your family; seeing your doctors; considering the best treatments; weighing your responsibilities and doing the best that you can.

come on -- you CLEANED YOUR HOUSE (i am simply too lazy), put on make-up and went to church. pretty cool in general and pretty amazing, considering how you're feeling.

lots of pats on the back to you.

i hope some light begins to stream thru. depression SUCKS.

take care. i'll be praying for you AND knowing that depression, like every other illness, needs professional treatment too.

Eating Alone said...

Just a quick comment to your sister, the PAUL prayed three times, and he was not healed. Just praying doesn't make it happen. And I think Paul was pretty close to God.

Sorry about the deppression. That sucks. I don't know what to say about it cause mine went away very fast once we started treating it. Good luck, sorry it sounds lame but I'll also pray for you. And your fam.

Alexandra Rising said...

Oh Lisa, I've only been following you for a short time but my heart truly goes out to you. Did ECT help you the last time you had it? How many sessions did you have?
There is SUCH need for better coverage for mental health. I understand it is often difficult to find a doctor to treat you if you have medicaid and I can imagine getting help for mental health must be even more difficult.
I am so sorry you are feeling so depressed, though I am glad to hear you are not feeling suicidal at this time. Do you have anyone you can reach out to, to talk to?
Do you feel that ECT is the only option?
I'm not sure where exactly you are located, though I am pretty sure it is not on the east coast...otherwise I'd recommend looking in to McClean's Hospital in Massachusetts.
I will be thinking of you and really hoping for you.
I want to say more...but not here. <3

PS Give your bunny a little cuddle.

Stacy said...

About the last paragraph... AMEN. That is all.

I've been horribly depressed lately as well and I don't know if my hormones are just raging from being prego or what but my current dose is NOT doing a thing for me. I've almost checked myself into the hospital on numerous occasions, but I've somehow managed to get through my 'episodes'.

I hope you are doing better.