I am way way way behind on everyone's blogs and am trying to get caught up today. Have been severely, severely deppressed and not functioning well. I put on some makeup today and cleaned the house and went to church, so I am feeling pretty accomplished.
I had an emergency appointment with Dr Sean this week regarding my deppression this week, but did not accomplish much. i had been tapering off the Trazodone, but he put me back up to 100 mgs in case that would help. We discussed a few different meds (Abilify, Lamictal, Lithium) but he said he doesn't like to make major changes when someone is doing bad. He wants to wait until I am stable.
We discussed ECT (electroconvulsive therapy aka shock treatments), which i have had before. I am almost desperate enough to do them again. But the only doctor in my town that does them does not take medicare/medicaid. I basically would have to be inpatient to get them covered (still do not understand this). But I am not willing to go IP as I am not suicidal (yet) and also could lose custody of Emma if her dad found out I was IP and not able to care for her.
Other options for ECT are the hospital in Iowa City (no way in hell) or going back to Waterloo to have my old doctor do them. I could stay with my inlaws. But I would have to wait until Chris' winter break, so her could be home to take care of the girls. So it looks like I am not going to be recieving the "electric cure" any time soon. Plus, do I really want to spend Chris' break in Waterloo getting shocked? I guess it will depend on how I am doing at that time.
My sister said something to me the other day that really hurt my feelings. I told her I was struggling with a major deppressive episode (against my better judgement) and she said "cant you just pray to the Lord about it?"! Ouch. Of course I pray about it! That's one of the only things that gets me through the day! But seriously, if I had Lupus or MS or any other chronic disease, she would not have said that to me. Why is there so much support and understanding for causes like cancer and HIV, but when you struggle with mental illness you are just expected to deal with it or get over it or something. Like when someone tells you "just think positive", that is another one of my favorites.
Sorry I am just whining and complaining.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago