this is the first time my computer has been connected to the internet in like 4 days and I don't know how ling it will last so I am typing fast. So basically,
I am doing much better ed-wise. I have been eating more intuitively and giving myself permission to eat and not purge, which has resulred in some addirional weight gain above and beyond what I gained earlier this summer. needless to say this has resulted in alot of body image anxiety, so i quit weighing myself every day. I am really enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to know my weight and battle with my body constantly. Yes, i am worried I will "let myself go", but really, I am tired of living in the ED prison and if I get a little bit chubby well, so be it. But realisticly when i think of what my weight is I know that I am not chubby and am perfectly normal for my height, so I don't even have to worry.
Food, weight, blah blah blah...what else is going on...
My sister came up to visit, along with my neice and my sister's boyfriend. They spent the night and I had the best time I had with my sister in a long time. It was really great. We grilled out and watched napoleon dynamite cause her boyfriend had never seen it.
We went home to waterloo and spent the night with my in-laws on friday and i opened up to my mother in law about some problems I'm having with the LDS church and how I'm thinking about leaving the church. I know I haven't mentioned that before. i know that some poeple that read this are LDS and I didn't want to offend anyone. It's just some doubts I have been having for a really long time and I can no longer push them out of my mind. I desperately want to do what the Lord wants me to do and I have been reading the Bible and praying about what I should do. Anyway, I told my mother in law, and guess what? She told me she would always love and accept me whether I was Mormon or not! It felt really validating and just good to hear that. I also talked with my Bishop yesterday (hes the leader of my Mormon congregation in Ames) and he is AWESOME! Even though I still have the same feelings about the church, I truly believe that he is a man of God. It was good to just get some of those feelings out and not feel like he was judging me. Even though I'm sure he wants me to stay in the church, i felt like I had his love and support nomatter what I do.
It would be just such a life changing thing if I left the church. It's hard to explain to non-members, how the church is just the center of your life. It's the glue that holds your life together. What would I do without it? But I must follow what I know in my heart is true, even if it is scarry.
I have so much to talk to my therapist about and she is on vacation this week! Grrr! Therapists should not get time off! Ever!
Well that is about it for now. I will try to catch up on everyones blogs while I have a chance!
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago