Monday, September 7, 2009

I hate my internet provider!

this is the first time my computer has been connected to the internet in like 4 days and I don't know how ling it will last so I am typing fast. So basically,

I am doing much better ed-wise. I have been eating more intuitively and giving myself permission to eat and not purge, which has resulred in some addirional weight gain above and beyond what I gained earlier this summer. needless to say this has resulted in alot of body image anxiety, so i quit weighing myself every day. I am really enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to know my weight and battle with my body constantly. Yes, i am worried I will "let myself go", but really, I am tired of living in the ED prison and if I get a little bit chubby well, so be it. But realisticly when i think of what my weight is I know that I am not chubby and am perfectly normal for my height, so I don't even have to worry.

Food, weight, blah blah blah...what else is going on...
My sister came up to visit, along with my neice and my sister's boyfriend. They spent the night and I had the best time I had with my sister in a long time. It was really great. We grilled out and watched napoleon dynamite cause her boyfriend had never seen it.
We went home to waterloo and spent the night with my in-laws on friday and i opened up to my mother in law about some problems I'm having with the LDS church and how I'm thinking about leaving the church. I know I haven't mentioned that before. i know that some poeple that read this are LDS and I didn't want to offend anyone. It's just some doubts I have been having for a really long time and I can no longer push them out of my mind. I desperately want to do what the Lord wants me to do and I have been reading the Bible and praying about what I should do. Anyway, I told my mother in law, and guess what? She told me she would always love and accept me whether I was Mormon or not! It felt really validating and just good to hear that. I also talked with my Bishop yesterday (hes the leader of my Mormon congregation in Ames) and he is AWESOME! Even though I still have the same feelings about the church, I truly believe that he is a man of God. It was good to just get some of those feelings out and not feel like he was judging me. Even though I'm sure he wants me to stay in the church, i felt like I had his love and support nomatter what I do.
It would be just such a life changing thing if I left the church. It's hard to explain to non-members, how the church is just the center of your life. It's the glue that holds your life together. What would I do without it? But I must follow what I know in my heart is true, even if it is scarry.
I have so much to talk to my therapist about and she is on vacation this week! Grrr! Therapists should not get time off! Ever!
Well that is about it for now. I will try to catch up on everyones blogs while I have a chance!


lisalisa said...

I just wanted to say that alot is going on for me right now but I haven't felt so happy and peaceful and healthy for a long time! Next up- convincing my new doctor to help he taper off my meds so I can maybe hopefully consider having another baby!

Kara said...

Thanks for the post. I'm glad that you are doing better ED-wise, it's just such a rollercoaster sometimes. I too have stopped weighing myself all the time and it has been a good thing for me. Scary, but good.

I'm sooooooo glad you have a good bishop. That's really important, even if you want to leave the church. I know you are thinking about leaving the church, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing if you don't want it to be.

Keely said...

It sounds like you have so much going on! I am so glad your mother in law and bishop were so supportive of you as a person, no matter what you choose. Another baby! How exciting! I hope it's another girl :)

Its so rough when steve goes out of town. You can always call me :) There will be a small fee of popcorn with spices and yeast and cops re-runs to be paid at time of service. :) said...

Yes I'm in a similar position with my body right now - but in order to feel better about my body, I have to go into ED mode, which I don't want either. And, really, are we really ever really truly relaxed and at peace with our bodies? Not for me anyway. Even when my weight is down, my thoughts all go to keeping it down. Keep remembering what it is you truly want. I've been thinking about this a lot. If we act in accordance with an eating disorder, we are acting OUT OF ACCORDANCE with our values and beliefs. We can do this - together. You are always such a strong support for me; I want to be that for you too.

I think you will ultimately come to the right conclusion with what to do about the church. There's no rush or timeline. You'll end up making the choice that is right for you.

Eating Alone said...

Sorry about the computer problems and the church problems. The church well I'm not going to touch, just remember that God is not the church adn the church is not God.

I liked that you are not giving in to the scale. I tried so hard but had to weigh myself last night finaly. It sucked and didn't do much for me. Stay the course I'm back on the wagon today.

PTC said...

You are becoming healthier. You are not getting chubby and you are saving your life by not throwing up all the time. You know the dangers involved with that and you know how much better life can be. Good job with everything. Keep on moving! :)

Cammy said...

For what it's worth, a few years ago I left the religion in which I was raised (actually I left religion period), and although it was a bit awkward with my family at first, over time it smoothed out into mutual respect for differing decisions regarding spirituality. It takes a lot of bravery to question, and whether you decide to leave, stay, change, etc, you should be proud for being thoughtful and self-aware enough to explore this.