Saturday, February 26, 2011

bad day hello

I just feel.....sad..angry..hopeless..useless...I could go on, but I wont.

There is trouble in paradise. Chris and I had, well, not a fight. We don't really fight. We had a thing. And it is not really resolved, so we have spent most of this evening hanging around our small apartment but not really talking to eachother.

Right after the thing, I was feeling so angry and sad and hurt. And FULL, because I had just eaten dinner. Why is it that this crap always happens right around dinner time? I wanted to throw up so bad. Just throw up all those feeelings. Feel empty and calm and emotionless. Thats how the ED made me feel. I had no emotions. No one could hurt me, because I didn't feel pain.

But I didn't feel joy, either.

I didn't throw up. I did some laundry, and then I decided to look through a box of photos. You know, real photos, not the ones on my computer. I didn't have a digital camera when Emma was little, so most of the pictures are from when she was a baby and a toddler, with a few of Chris and Annie thrown in. But mostly I looked at Emma. Emma, with her baby curls, her huge, beautiful eyes. Her mischevious grin.

It was a mistake, looking at those pictures. Because it all came rushing at me and hit me square in the stomach, like a fist. The years between when those pictures were taken and now. All the mistakes I have made. All the stupid, crazy shit I have done. The times she has seen me cry, freak out, and break down. The eight times I have been hosptialised since she was born.

I have tried to be the best mom I could be!!!!! I have given her everything I had to give, but the problem is, I have never had very much to give.

Maybe I should have stayed with her dad. Or maybe I should have given him custody. Maybe what that one blogger said was right: crazy people shouldn't have children.

What am I? Stupid, unstable, lazy, uneducated, bad mom, failure.

I don't care if I never amount to anything. But God, please save my girls.

I'll be ok (so don't worry). It's just been a really crappy day.

7 comments:

Sairs said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. It sucks and as you know have recently been struggling but for different reasons. I hope you sort things out with your hubby and you start to feel a little better. Be gentle with yourself.
*hugs*
Sarah

Verity Vaudeville said...

It'll get better. Just chalk it up to a rubbish day. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise.

flaweddesign said...

sorry you're having a crappy day. hopefully today looks brighter. amazing how those ED thoughts can just creep in at any opportunity. you are NOT a bad mom. you do give your girls everything you can and that's what matters. all they really need from you is food, shelter, and love...unconditional love. and i know you give them that.

i hope your 'thing' is resolved soon.

take care.

bananas said...

I wish I could have been more help last night when we talked... I'm sorry you were feeling so horrible. I didn't realize it was THIS bad. When we feel bad, it's hard not to let those bad thoughts just spiral out of control. Hello depression, how are you, asshole? I know that once I get upset, I just find more and more shit to add to the pile of shittiness until I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit of despair. I hope that you were able to sleep OK and feel a little recharged today. Sometimes sleep and a new day "reboot" me and it's the only thing that works.

You are a great mom. I know it.

Angela E. Lackey said...

Oh Lisa! I'm sorry things are rough. But you are not a bad mom; you are a wonderful mom!!! I can just tell how much you care about them. Try to not be so hard on yourself.

It will get better. You have been doing wonderfully. And I'm sure you and Chris will make up. :)

*Hugs*
Angela

kris said...

I hope that you're feeling better today!! I also have always wondered why these sorts of things interfere with mealtime... but you did great to find something to distract yourself, even if it did make you more sad. I think that anyone reading your blog can see that you're a GREAT mother. In order for anyone to leave a comment that says otherwise, they must not have read very many entries -- maybe not even more than the one on which they commented. I can see where someone who reads an entry that says you have an ED and kids might get some wild idea that you "can't be the best mother while you have an ED." You are a great mother, you fight your ED and it doesn't control your life -- you do. I think your daughters have a very strong mother to look to up to, and that makes you a great mom and a great role model for them. I'm sure that you and Chris will make up too. ((Hugs))

flaweddesign said...

hey, thanks again for the comment. the risk of liver damage with senna is shown after 9-12 months. i don't use biscodyl because there are too many interactions and contraindications. i'm sure my blood work will be fine. i have love liver and kidney functions my last admission but it corrected itself and i barely took laxatvies while i was there. i just feel like i'm unbeatable.

yes i remember the terry shiavo case very well. i followed it closely and my family knows i don't want to be left in a PVS. if it's just food and water i need then those things can be arranged but i won't rely on life support. and yes, to be in a PVS even needing just fluid and food would be horrible but maybe the part of my brain that's all messed up would be damaged and i wouldn't know and would just smile like terry and show enjoyment of the little things. BUT that is not going to happen. i'll be honest with my GP today for as much as he asks. i don't think i'll be volunteering much info. i'm so scared of being certified over nothing.

anyway, i hope your week is looking up. xxoxo