I just feel.....sad..angry..hopeless..useless...I could go on, but I wont.
There is trouble in paradise. Chris and I had, well, not a fight. We don't really fight. We had a thing. And it is not really resolved, so we have spent most of this evening hanging around our small apartment but not really talking to eachother.
Right after the thing, I was feeling so angry and sad and hurt. And FULL, because I had just eaten dinner. Why is it that this crap always happens right around dinner time? I wanted to throw up so bad. Just throw up all those feeelings. Feel empty and calm and emotionless. Thats how the ED made me feel. I had no emotions. No one could hurt me, because I didn't feel pain.
But I didn't feel joy, either.
I didn't throw up. I did some laundry, and then I decided to look through a box of photos. You know, real photos, not the ones on my computer. I didn't have a digital camera when Emma was little, so most of the pictures are from when she was a baby and a toddler, with a few of Chris and Annie thrown in. But mostly I looked at Emma. Emma, with her baby curls, her huge, beautiful eyes. Her mischevious grin.
It was a mistake, looking at those pictures. Because it all came rushing at me and hit me square in the stomach, like a fist. The years between when those pictures were taken and now. All the mistakes I have made. All the stupid, crazy shit I have done. The times she has seen me cry, freak out, and break down. The eight times I have been hosptialised since she was born.
I have tried to be the best mom I could be!!!!! I have given her everything I had to give, but the problem is, I have never had very much to give.
Maybe I should have stayed with her dad. Or maybe I should have given him custody. Maybe what that one blogger said was right: crazy people shouldn't have children.
What am I? Stupid, unstable, lazy, uneducated, bad mom, failure.
I don't care if I never amount to anything. But God, please save my girls.
I'll be ok (so don't worry). It's just been a really crappy day.
6 months ago