Hmm I haven't blogged in like a week, which is kind of a long time for me. I guess there hasn't been alot going on. Well, actually there has been alot going on, but I just don't know what to say about it or express it.
It seem like when I was struggling more with eating disorder symptoms, it was easier to blog about it. Like, asking for help/suggestions to stop purging, or bemoaning recent weight gain or loss. I feel like all my struggles now are internal and it's harder to get them out on paper (or computer screen).
Mostly, I am worrying alot. I worry about my health. Some days I am sure I have bladder cancer, or an autoimmune disease, or my heart is failing. I am nervous to have my regular appointment with Dr. Sean this friday because he will see in my chart that I have recently been to one of his partners in the clinic, also the urgent care, and the ER. All with a diagnosis of: nothing. And I will feel stupid.
I know there is something wrong with me, though. I know it! I'm tired all the time. I wake up every night drenched in sweat. I have a constant earache/sore throat. I have periods of time nearly every day where my heart beats irregularly for like 15-20 mins.
But it's hard to sort out the physical symptoms from the psychological ones. Am I dizzy because I'm having a panic attack or a heart attack? Is my heart really skipping beats, or is my mind playing tricks on me?
I have restricted myself for the time being from looking up medical stuff on the web, which has helped a bit.
Crap, I'm tired now. I meant to blog a bit about some other stuff but maybe I'll do that later.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago