Tuesday, July 27, 2010

well hello there

Hmm I haven't blogged in like a week, which is kind of a long time for me. I guess there hasn't been alot going on. Well, actually there has been alot going on, but I just don't know what to say about it or express it.

It seem like when I was struggling more with eating disorder symptoms, it was easier to blog about it. Like, asking for help/suggestions to stop purging, or bemoaning recent weight gain or loss. I feel like all my struggles now are internal and it's harder to get them out on paper (or computer screen).

Mostly, I am worrying alot. I worry about my health. Some days I am sure I have bladder cancer, or an autoimmune disease, or my heart is failing. I am nervous to have my regular appointment with Dr. Sean this friday because he will see in my chart that I have recently been to one of his partners in the clinic, also the urgent care, and the ER. All with a diagnosis of: nothing. And I will feel stupid.

I know there is something wrong with me, though. I know it! I'm tired all the time. I wake up every night drenched in sweat. I have a constant earache/sore throat. I have periods of time nearly every day where my heart beats irregularly for like 15-20 mins.

But it's hard to sort out the physical symptoms from the psychological ones. Am I dizzy because I'm having a panic attack or a heart attack? Is my heart really skipping beats, or is my mind playing tricks on me?

I have restricted myself for the time being from looking up medical stuff on the web, which has helped a bit.

Crap, I'm tired now. I meant to blog a bit about some other stuff but maybe I'll do that later.


Jennifer said...

Sweetheart, you have just described my last few months to a t! I have had numerous doctor, emergency room, hospital visits regarding my heart, with the results being that nothing cardiac is showing up - which means its all from anxiety/panic attacks,stress etc.
My symptoms are the same as yours and its SO DIFFICULT to accept that there is nothing wrong. I keep thinking, but WHAT IF THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT...My psych said that is classic panicky thinking, so i guess i just have to believe thetests and the doctors. Deep down i have to believe it.
Panic and anxiety can make so many physical symptoms come and when we latch onto the mentally, we are caught in the cycle!
It sucks basically.
The good part for me was that,when i was in hospital getting yetanother heart check, they found something ACTUALLY wrong with my liver!! So it is being treated, while i try to think rationally regarding my heart and believe that its just panic/anxiety!

bananas said...

It sounds a lot like extreme anxiety. But I suppose that knowing that doesn't help that much?

Anonymous said...

與人相處不妨多用眼睛說話,多用嘴巴思考. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Eating Alone said...

Feel better soon. And I hope you find out what's wrong.

The word verification is cheering! I'm cheering for you!