over a fence

I was suprised and happy to learn yesterday that my dad bonded out of jail. I guess the felony escape charge from iowa didnt come up on the computer, so it looked to them that he hadn't been in trouble before, and of course he didn't say anything. So my dad is back home and he told me that they even left him one full pipe so he could smoke when he got there. He has a lawyer and is hopeful to get probation, but I am under no illusions that he could complete probation successfully. I mean, they do drug tests, and he would have to get a job (gasp) and stuff like that. Well i am going to try not to worry and just be glad that for now he is out.

His bust made the evening news and I guess he had like 15 minutes of fame while he was in jail. the other prisoners were whispering about him and asking "is that the guy? Is that him?" and they were giving him high fives and stuff. I guess he got a nickname in jail- "old school"- that's what they were calling him. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to glorify what my dad did or make light of the situation. It's just that sometimes I think my dad is funny, is all. Do you think I should start calling him "Old School"?

It turns out his neighbor Dave turned him in. My dad built a privacy fence that obstructed Dave's view (they all like to sit on the front porch and watch the goins' on down south) and this pissed Dave off. He started hinting to my dad that if he didn't take down the fence, he was going to narc him off. My Dad was worried about it, but didn't really think Dave would do it, especially since Dave sold pot for my dad sometimes. Well, my Dad is really mad now and he told me last night that now he is going to extend the fence all the way to the street just to show him and mess up his view even more! Seriously, these are grown men.

IOP was ok. Not great, just ok. If nothing else, I will get to see the psychiatrist on friday and hopefully get some input on my meds. There are only 3 of us in IOP. Maybe i will write a little more about it later.

The weather here is so nice. I stopped at the store today and got some more sidewalk chalk and bubbles and some little plastic boats for Annie to play with in her bucket o' water. So we are sitting outside again and enjoying ourselves. I actually feel pretty decent right at this moment.

I know I have been behind and inconsistent on commenting on people's blogs, and I am sorry about that. I have been reading every single blog but sometimes that is all I can do and I cant think of anything to say. But I know alot of people are struggling right now and i am thinking of you all even if I didnt comment. I will try to do better, the last few days have been crazy. Thank you all for the support and love you have shown me, it is the best therapy ever!

no title

I'm not sure how to write about this. I just know that I need to, because I need to deal with it somehow, and I need support.

My dad grows marijuana. He has been doing it for most of my life, although I did not know about it until I was in high school. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my mom. Still, I have always loved my dad and felt loved by him. Even when he lived in Hawaii he called us often, and flew us out to see him, and came back every summer to see us. When I was 19 and struggling I went out there to live with him for a little bit.

Even though I have been closer too my mom, I have always felt like I had more in common with my dad. I personally think he has depression and anxiety, and self-medicates with pot and alcohol. Like me, he has trouble "fitting in" and doing the things most people do in society, like hold a job or have a set schedule or be responsible. Maybe that is why he grows pot I guess. So he can be his own boss and not answer to anybody. I'm not saying that it is right. I'm just saying that in some way I feel like I understand him.

Lately i have been getting closer to my dad. Even though he lives in Arkansas, we talk on the phone evry week. I know this is going to sound weird, given what my dad does for a living, but he has a real love for the Lord and sometimes I feel like he is the only person I can talk to about the spiritual journey I have been on. I usually call him on my drive home after church and we talk about the Bible and Jesus life and my girls and stuff. Sometimes it is hard to talk to him because he will go on and on and on about Jesus and religious stuff. He gets really obsessed about it and will talk for like an hour if I dont interrupt him. i don't know how much of this is him, and how much of it is a result of years of substance abuse.. But whenever I talk to him, he always ends by saying how much he loves me, how proud of me he is, and how happy I make him. The truth is, I nobody else ever says that to me.

Yesterday my sister called me and told me that my aunt had called her and told her that my dad's house was raided and he was busted. That's all I know.

I have always known this might happen. but even so, that doesn't make it any easier. I did not sleep all night, maybe just an hour or so. I can't stop thinking about it. I cant stop wondering what exactly happened. Was there a struggle, or was it peaceful? Was he scared? Has he slept? Has he eaten? Is he in a cell by himself? Is he thinking about us?

I know my dad wont get bail, because he absconded from a work release facility in 99. I am pretty sure he is going to prison.

I know some people might be reading this and thinking "well he did the crime, now he has to do the time". i don't deny this. But he is my dad and i love him. I'm worried about him going to prison. my dad is not a "tough guy". I don't know what will happen to him. I don't know when I will be able to see him again. It will not be easy to visit him if he is in prison in arkansas. When will my children see their grandpa again? Of course I will not take them to a prison to visit him.

Today is just the first day. Hopefully it will get easier. I guess today I will try to contact my aunt and find out more details. I will somehow try to take care of myself and my girls and do the normal things we do. I have stuff due at the library so maybe I will take Annie there for a bit. I have therapy today so that will help. Amazingly, I am getting through this with almost no Xanax. I did finally take half of one last night to help me sleep (it didn't work).

I have and intake appointment for the IOP program tomorrow morning. The program will be mon, wed, and friday mornings. i will have my regular therapy appointments on tues and thurs. So I have lots of support. i guess it is a good thing I was looking into IOP before all of this happened with my dad.

Thats about it for now.