hell O

anybody there? I haven't posted for a long time. Over a year! Yikes! A lot has happened in my life since then, and the biggest/worst thing is something I can't write about. At least not now, and possibly ever. Suffice it to say that in the past year I have managed to screw up big time and now I am sort of picking my way through the rubble.
I am severely, severely depressed. It hurts to breathe. I really just want to lay down and die but I keep on going, mostly for the sake of my children. And I DO have a tiny speck of hope that maybe things might turn out alright eventually. So I just keep going. I still see Scott, my therapist, weekly; I go to a DBT group every week and also to a dual diagnosis group. I am still working but only about 8 hours a week; just enough to say I am still employed. If any of you are long time readers you will know how important my job is for me and how hard it was for me to get there. I don't want to surrender that accomplishment to the depression. I just don't.

Another thing that happened in the past year is that I spent the month of November in inpatient substance abuse treatment. My drinking had really gotten out of control over the summer and......I started smoking pot! Silly, I know. I am not completely convinced that a little mary jane is so bad, but per my usual all-or-nothing style I getting high several times a day, every day. My therapist threatened to call DHS if I didn't go to treatment. so I did IP and several months of outpatient and I haven't smoked or drank since Oct 24. I am not a huge AA'er but I go usually once or twice a week; I actually kind of like it.

I have also managed to gain a TON of weight and start purging again. I am way over my target weight and very uncomfortable and it sucks. Purging sucks also and it is really not even helping me lose weight. I know I am being totally stupid and I need to stop purging and I even think that I could if I tried just a little, but I don't. I am not sure why. Part of me feels like I deserve to be miserable with my head in a toilet forever....

I was in the hospital for two weeks in February, for depression. I think I was in the hospital another time last year but I don't really remember. Anyways, I was in the hosp in Feb and had ECT (shock treatments). I only had three treatments but had improved enough to leave the hospital and I didn't want to do any outpatient. The ECT's messed with my memory really bad. Much of the time I was in the hospital I didn't know who I was or why I was there. People had to remind me and then I would just cry. Realizing that you are depressed and in the hospital and have fucked up your life sucks, especially when you have to realize it over and over again throughout the day.

My meds were all changed when I was in the hospital. They put me on nortryptaline, trazodone, and liothyronine. The last one is a thyroid med. I did not have an underactive thyroid but they put me on it anyway because I was not getting out of bed. It has really given me some energy and I have managed to lose a tiny bit of weight, but I am freaking out a bit at the moment because my bloodwork from last week showed my TSH was at .02, which is extremely low. I am too lazy to explain what that means but basically my thyroid is super hyperactive right now and according to the interwebs I am at risk of a thyroid storm, which is often fatal. Also, according to the interwebs, I could be just fine. I called Dr. Sean freaking out but he says I am completely fine so oh well.....

Hmm well I am just about out of thoughts for the moment. If anyone wants to comment and say "hi" I would love it :).

XOLisa