Thursday, March 29, 2012

Life is hard

Life is hard, folks. It's hard! Don't get me wrong; I'm thankful and greatful and happy that I am doing so well with my eatingdisorder/mental illness recovery and I am able to work and have more responsibilities and all of that. But with that stuff comes: work and more responsibilities!

Here are the negatives in my life right now:
  I am tired, all the time. I cut back my hours to 3-4 days per week, but getting up at 5am those days and working 8 hours at a physically and emotionally stressfull job is still alot for me. I feel like a zombie alot of the time. And I still have my responsibilities at home, cooking, housework, shopping, ect. And I am watching my neighbor's kid after school which is really too much for me, but I am not brave enough to tell him that I want to only watch this kid like 3 days a week instead of five. I am doing it for free, and I need to be assertive and tell him it is just too much for me right now, but I just can't. But then again, if I end up in the psych ward my neighbor won't have after school care for his kid at all, so there is something to think about.
Ugh, there are more negatives, but I am tired of thinking about that stuff. So on to the positives!!!!
Positives:
I am working! Still! Sometimes when I am at work it will hit me: hey, I have a job! I am working! I am doing this!!!!
Guys, this is such a big, huge deal for me. For years it was assumed hat the best I could hope for was just to stay stable and out of the hospital. My big goal was "staying in the community". Even when I first started contemplating having a job it seemed so out of reach. Even the simple act of calling Voc Rehab was a huge step. And silly me, I thoughtthat they would just DO everything for me, call the school, register me, tell me when and where to show up, and set me up with a job when my CNA training was over. Oh no. I had to do all of that myself. And that is a big deal for someone who a) does not call strangers b) does not do paperwork and c) does not to anything on the computer but blog/FB/surf. Yeah.
So, as hard as my job is, the thought of quitting it does not even enter my head. Some days I don't even want to go back, but I know that I will, because when I work I feel successful, and that is a new feeling for me, and I like it! Oh, and they pay me.
Another thing that I have wanted to do for awhile that is now coming to fruition is that starting next week I will be co-facillitating a NAMI Connections support group. Ever since I found NAMI I knew I wanted to be a part of this great organisation. Because of my experiences I have always wanted to be involved with helping the seriously mentally ill. I used to think that I wanted to do something in the professional realm, but lately I have realised that I want to be involved as a peer. I want to be able to meet people where they are at and support them without the constraints of a budget or hours or program guidelines or liabilities. I don't want to be responsible for someone's care. I just want to be there for them. Does that make sense?

So two things: work and NAMI. At some point in the past several years I thought about these things and thought "hey, I would like to do that" and now look, I'm doing it!

Do I sound braggy? I hope not. Mostly I just needed to give myself a pep talk, because today was a rough day, and I need to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing, and why it's a good thing.

8 comments:

Erin said...

Life IS hard. But I'm really proud of you, for everything. I just wish you felt better! :/

neonorangeds said...

Your post came at a perfect time for me (just had a pretty awful day with school). With an ED, I have to remind myself, I never would have come this far -- and in many ways I am not as far along as you are *coughrealjobcough* It sounds like you're doing great and you are someone who is really inspirational -- so I think you'll really be able to help others and it's exciting that you're going to facilitating a group soon!! I have to throw this out there that I've always thought you were pretty amazing just for being a good mother to your girls while going through recovery and/or moving on fro your ED. The fact that you now do that AND work full time AND watch your neighbor's child and so on and so forth is really amazing and something to be proud of for sure! I just hope that you also let yourself rest every once in a while :) It sounds like you're doing a good job of setting some boundaries and being aware of your limits, but you do definitely deserve some time to kick back and relax.

xoxo

Lou said...

Hi Lisa, I read your blog sometimes, but don't often comment, but I hope it's ok to comment now. I just wanted to say that you don;t sound braggy, but you totally deserve to be! You are doing so well! It's hard to manage a family and work without serious mental health issues getting in the way, but it seems like you are, so good on you!
Also, feel free to tell me to butt out, but it seems like you need to tell the neighbour you can't look after their kid?> You need to look after yourself first, or you won't be able to help others (your family, and the people you are working with). I hope you get the courage to let him know that it is too much for you now that you are working.
All the best,
Lou.

Erin said...

Agree with Lou!

I Hate to Weight said...

i know you posted this a while ago, but i hope things are still the same with work and NAMI.

tremendous accomplishments, Lisa!!!!!

really, really impressive

Natalie said...

I am contacting you as a recovery blogger, hoping that you might be able to help me with something. I'm looking for people who experience their ED or "ED voice" as female to share written reflections (stories, letters, poems, or whatever) based on that personification. I've noticed that people in recovery are reluctant to refer to their eating disorders as female, to separate themselves from pro-ana/pro-mia groups. I want to "reclaim" female personifications from the pro-ED camp by publicizing recovery-oriented descriptions of a female ED, to make these descriptions just as much a part of recovery dialogue as the popular (male) "Ed" image. I hope you will consider writing something, and/or share this information with others who might want to contribute. I can be reached at reclaimingana@gmail.com, and more information is available at http://reclaiminganaandmia.blogspot.com/

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