public

well I am not sure if anybody noticed, but I went private there for awhile. I had some concerns about people at work finding my blog and the possible fallout from that. But you know what? I decided that I just don't care. I mean, I can't imagine that I have written anything in here that could get me fired. I don't write about work, at least no specifics. I have never said where I work or anything about the people I work with or whatever. So that would leave....firing me because I am mentally ill? I am pretty sure that is a no-no. Especially because I am Officially Disabled and all. And there are some rules about firing someone because of a disability. So there. I am confident that my mental illness has not affected my work performance. In fact, I think I am a pretty damned good employee.

I miss this blog. I miss the support, and just the feeling of getting my thoughts out there, out of my head. I haven't been writing much because all has not been well in Lisa Land. I am having a rough time and my mind has been in a pretty negative place and I guess I just don't want to bring people down. BUT I have decided to start writing again and to be REAL, even if it isn't pretty. It might even be triggering. The last thing I want to do is drag anybody down, so this is your warning. If you need to look away, look away. I won't be offended.

So here is the big ugly truth: I hate my body and I miss my eating disorder. There, I said it.

I have been gaining weight steadily and am now actually .4 bmi points away from being oficially overweight. And dont try to make me feel better by telling me that bmi doesnt take a muscular build into account, because I do NOT have a muscular build. I have rolls. Lots of them. And I just want them gone.
Let me be clear: I am NOT Pro-Anorexia. That is just stupid. Eating disorders are horrible, painful, dangerous, deadly mental illnesses. They are torture. So why do I miss mine? Maybe I am so far removed that I have forgotton how bad it was. All I remember right now are the so-called benefits. Being thin. Feeling special. And, as much as I hate to admit it, the attention. Healthy Lisa looks just freaking fine and oh so...healthy...therefore she must be fine, right? Wrong.
I am still depressed and anxious as hell. Add to that the distress of living in this fat suit and the stress of working and all of the expectations that come with being well and you have me, stewing in my cauldron of misery. I hate feeling like this. I HATE IT! I hate feeling this desperate. I want to just be able to walk by a mirror without wanting to shove my fist through it. I want to be able to get dressed in the morning without having a panic attack. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

This isn't the whole story, of course. There are other things going on that I am struggling with. I will have to write more on that later. Mostly tonight I just wanted to get SOMETHING out, you know? Even if just to say that I am still here.

XOLisa