Thursday, September 30, 2010

stcuk in the past part 2

Thank you thank you thank you for the supportive comments on my last post! I am feeling a bit better today. I was just getting really overwhelmed with emotions and memories so I just had to cut that post short. There is so much more inside me, but I could probably write all day and never get it out. I thought that writing about it would help me feel better but instead it just drew me back into that mental space that I was trying to escape. I turned off my computer and tried to shake it off, but I couldn't. I felt anxious, scared, like an oppressive black cloud of impending doom was hanging over my head. I kept having to remind myself that everything is ok. "this is the NOW, Lisa, and you are here, safe in your apartment, healthy and strong and free. Everything is ok". Still, I felt shaky. I found myself alternating between getting teary-eyed with a choking feeling in my throat, and a rage that made me want to scream and fight and destroy everything in the room.
My girls got home from school and I tried to tune in to them but I was distracted, still playing the old scenes over and over in my mind. Still stuck in the past. I felt a little desperate, worse than I have felt in awhile (a Xanax would have been very nice). I really, really wished that I could call my therapist and talk to her, but that is not the policy of the group she belongs to. I wanted my husband, but this was a day when he didn't get off school until 6pm. Fortunately, I was able to recognise that I was in danger of being in crisis, I was on my own with the girls until Chris got home, and I needed to do something to distract and fill the hours until then. Then I remembered a day last fall, when I was severly depressed and had just left a difficult therapy session and had to make it through the rest of the afternoon. It was a nice day and I took the girls to Ledges state park, and we ended up having fun. I remember that.
SO that is what I decided to do yesterday. It was actually in the low 80's, a perfect indian summer day. I took Emma and Annie to Ledges and they had so much fun splashing in the water and I just relaxed and listened to the wind and the leaves. I felt happy, calm, and strong. I felt like a survivor, not just of the things I have been through, but a survivor of the memories. It felt really great to know that I could feel on the verge of a crisis, and draw on my strength and resources to deal with it and get through it. I'm not saying I can always do that, but yesterday I did.
A perfect fall day!

The girls in the creek.
This poor snake that we caught and harrassed before we let him go. We caught a few frogs, too.

The girls, walking back up the road to the car. It was a looooong walk. They both slept good last night!

Feeling better! Thank you again so much for the support! It was nice to hear from people who don't usually comment (and of course those of you who do!)!
And was that you, Sylvia???? Do you finally have a blog?????


Lou said...

i love this post! Well, I don't love that you felt bad, but what a positive way to deal with it! You are freaking awesome (and so cute too - great photo!)

Maeve said...

This is a fantastic post! I love that you were able to work and pull yourself through the afternoon. You are so strong and your girls should be so proud to call you their mother.

Also I love the new photo of yourself. Your smile is infectious and your hair is very cute!

Keely said...

Yay! I like the new pics too. I know what you mean about it eating at you... I was irked about it too after reading your post and thinking of my own negative experiences... I am so proud of you for distracting and getting out of it. :) I watched a show and then felt better. I miss you! (hug)

Alexandra Rising said...

Is your hair blonde now? I love it! It's adorable!

Cammy said...

I'm always amazed at what an incredible mom you are! So few parents actually go out and experience things with their kids, it speaks worlds about the kind of person that you are, Lisa. I'm glad things are looking up a bit and hope that the weekend goes well for you...hang in there. <3

You are beautiful, love your hair!

Anonymous said...

So glad you went out and had a lovely day. I always enjoy your photos. Keep on taking care.