Chris and I got in a huge fight last night. A really bad one. I cried so hard I though I was going to puke. I woke up this morning with a "crying hangover". You know, when you have a huge headache and your eyes hurt and you feel like someone punched you in the stomach like a billion times.
The flipside of being in love with someone is that they have the power to hurt you.....way worse than like a friend or aquiantance. And you can hurt them too....really badly.
Sometimes love sucks.
The stupid things is, our fights always start over something small. Like, so insignifigant, it's almost funny. But sometimes little things can be symbolic for big things. Last night it was "I'm not good enough to ask for help, I don't deserve unconditional love and caring, I am worthless", which is a HUGE distorted thought that I have. I know it is distorted, but it is a hard one for me to kick (been with me since childhood), and it seems to pop up in my relationship with Chris alot. Sometimes I feel bad for Chris as he has to deal with alot of my baggage.
Someday, Chris will be able to ask me to make him a sandwich, and I will say "ok", or I will say "no, I am tired, I don't want to", and it will just be about the sandwich. That would be fa-reaking awesome.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago