Wednesday, October 27, 2010

mentally ill and not lovin it

Well, hmmm, what's new........................

My anxiety has been sky high, and my body image is in the crapper. I have had more urges to restrict and/or purge than I have had for awhile but so far I have not given in. I was attempting a med change (from Pristiq to Lexapro) but my mental health deteriorated to quickly that I called Dr. S and he said it was ok to go back on the Pristiq so I did and now I am feeling a bit better. I mean, I thought the Pristiq wasn't working, but once I was off it, HOLY CRAP! Crying in public, panic attacks, yelling at my kids....it's been quite the potpourri of loveliness. I just can't have that right now. I mean, it's going to be the holiday season soon, plus my husband has a HUGE workload at school so I am like a single mom most of the time. Not a good time to be falling apart.

I hate being mentally ill. It just sucks so bad to feel like you have no control over your emotions. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. Like, I cant trust myself. It's hard to make plans because I'm never sure what I will be up to doing in the future. Having to coach myself through simple things like taking a shower or going grocery shopping. I feel frustrated alot because I know there is so much more to me. I have so many talents and gifts that just aren't being used or developed because I spend all my time trying to keep my most basic functions online. It's like Maslow's heirarchy of needs. How am I ever supposed to evolve when I am still stuck on "safety, security" and stuff like that?

I don't even know if I am making sense right now. I'm just frustrated right now I guess. Sometimes I see myself through other people's eyes. Like, I have had som much therapy, treatment, medications, even shock treatment. Why am I not doing better?

I get the feeling that people from my "real " life (not you guys) think that I could be better if I wanted to be, that I like being sick, ect. This pisses me off more than anything, and it hurts. Nobody has a choice whether or not to be mentally ill. And I think that I DO make good choices when it comes to the things I can control. I eat and try to take care of my body. I participate in therapy. I take my meds. I ask for help/support when I need it. I try to help support others. I do everything I can to manage my illness to the best of my ability. It pisses me off whe people criticize me for being sick, when I am working so hard NOT to be sick.

Ok I better go because I dont want this to become an angry rant.....

thanks for listening
XOLisa

6 comments:

Sensory Overload said...

Lisa,

I have been reading your blog for quite some time and want you to know that I appreciate all that you share.

This particular post very much resonates with me.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences despite how painful they are.

Sending you light and hopes for peace even if for just moments here and there.

You are very strong!

-n

Keely said...

(hug) I understand what you're saying and can completely relate. Sometimes I feel like I'm just "surviving" life rather than living to my fullest potential. I just keep going in the hopes that I will keep growing and get there in the end. I love you and miss you! (hug)

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

*Hugs*
I can relate to the anxiety and I wish I could take a magic wand and wave it away for all of us. But I can't. :(

You are such a great person; funny, kind, generous and always reaching out to others. Remember that. You are more than your illness.

Angela

Jen Daisybee said...

I agree with Angela's comment "you are more than your illness", as this is something I constantly remind myself. I believe mental illnesses are brain disorders, and they affect a body just like a disorder in any other organ of the body affects it. And the brain is the most important organ of the body, so lo and behold, things really get bad when the brain is sick.

Why more people do not view mental illness this way is a societal problem going back thousands of years. People view mental illness as a character defect that you could get rid of if you really wanted to and you just pulled yourself up by those bootstraps and stopped being depressed or suicidal or manic or anxious or delusional.

Hello, if it were that easy, why would there be so many people "choosing" to be sick?? Why would you say such comments to those of us with mental illnesses when you would never dare say them to cancer survivors/patients??

It's all about stigma. Stigma kills. Try to fight it off and remember like you said, you do the best you can, and that is enough.

Don't let anybody tell you that your mental health issues are your own fault. They aren't, and that person saying so is very ignorant and very lucky that they do not have the same mental illnesses you have.

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i love bows:) said...

hey chick

i dont really have anything useful to say accept that anyone that thinks someone wants to be mentally ill needs to have their head tested themselves. it feel like an endless trap, and like you say, i hate that literally all mytime and energy has to go into just basically functioning.its endlessly frustrating.

i also wanted to say i know what you mean about med changes. i thought sertraline did nothing until i stopped taking it and spent 2 weeks straight just throwing up and spinning out.

keep with it chicky. I know i have said nothing useful at all, i just wanted you to know that i hear you.

xxx